Mind 02
I became mildly addicted to ensuring I utilised every hour of the day. I was able to quantify this by using a browser extension called Pomodoro — built based on the Pomodoro method. It was not a solution to ensure I took frequent breaks but an effective way to track achievability. Now, I wonder what psychological impact it can have on your sense of self, especially if you are not self-assured. Right now, I can discern what is unrealistic and not within my means and move accordingly. Still, there was a time when it caused emotional havoc, so I understand those who feel the urge to revamp their life to do more.
I have noticed my feelings outside of doing: I equate productivity with doing, attach my worth to it, and believe it to enhance my sense of self. Then outside of doing, I feel without purpose and fulfilment. Yet, everyone attaches their worth to how much they can produce, so it permits the comparability. I want the possibility of not having all my waking hours in doing — especially in things with no sense of joy — and attach it to my self-value. On reflection, time passing by doing does not mean I spent it productively. Do I exist to produce and be a victim to the pressures of the economy? I reject becoming a tool to churn something I have no care for and jeopardise my mental wellbeing. Yet, I have to survive and fulfil my worldly desires.
Likewise, I feel positivity when used to manage feelings of dread can emphasize pushing through difficulty by being productive. It disregards the spectrum of people who gain nothing from small anecdotes to alleviate low feelings. For instance, when I surrendered myself to something greater than worldly matters I realised growth was not linear, even if I succumbed to restlessness as I felt things were taking much longer than I anticipated. But through self-examination and sitting with my feelings without external input, I concluded what my principles were and used them to guide me thus far. I have spent time finding myself when all I am looking for is within, I may feel seen by others through hearing relatable advice but I ask myself whether their principles align with my own, and take all they say with caution. I hate how social media has allowed for universal applicability many suggested solutions do not apply to everyone. It’s fraud under the guise of self-help because how has it become possible to sell programs to change lives without knowing what their life entails? How is it okay to take advantage of vulnerable people because of your delusion of self-importance? I have been semi offline and have a newfound clarity with the strategic marketing of content that you would think is self-less and empowering, but just playing on our emotions.
