Caring for aging parents

If you are a child providing care for an aging parent, you’re not alone. As parents age and need help navigating life decisions, many adult children find themselves “parenting” their parent. You may find yourself struggling with your parent while continuing to care for children, maintain personal relationships, work a full-time job, and tackle a never-ending list of household chores. You might also have big questions related to your parent’s legal, financial, and health care situations.

In this article, we look at ways to seek support, protect your well-being, and preserve your relationship with your parent.

Understand the changing parent-child relationship

When your parent refuses a choice in their best interests, it’s easy to feel frustrated and embattled. David Solie, author of “How To Say It To Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders,” suggests viewing the relationship as a partnership. He offers two strategies for building trust and reducing conflict.

Rethink your role in the battle for control

“We need to rethink how we can become a control facilitator for our aging parents, even when we think we have better ideas,” says Solie. “As their control facilitator, your job is to ensure their choices are heard and honored.” For example, your role in your parent’s health care is not about getting them to make a certain choice. Instead, be an advocate for their right to have a final say about their health care.

Solie suggests that the language you choose helps your parent know they’re still in charge and also that they can change their mind. Examples:

• “Mom, what are your thoughts on how you want this handled?”
• “Dad, this treatment sounds very involved. How sure are you that you want to do this?”

Support the transfer of legacy

“We need to consider the expanse of the life journey our aging parents have made,” says Solie. He gives the following examples of creating opportunity for your parent to share their story:

• “Mom, this is really an interesting picture. Who are these people and what do you remember about them?
• “Dad…who was the most important person in your life when you were growing up?”

Solie says to be prepared for stories that may not proceed logically or in the order they happened. Listen instead for the meaning these events had for your parent.

Get support

Did you know the Department of Social and Health Services (DSHS) has an entire division dedicated to senior care? The Aging and Long-Term Support Administration (ALTSA) has a webpage of information just for caregivers of aging parents. You can also find supportive resources on this page, including your local family caregiver support program. This program helps unpaid caregivers of adults to:

• Find local resources/services.
• Find caregiver support groups and counseling.
• Get training on specific caregiving topics.
• Get respite care if you need a break.
• Talk through specific issues and offer practical information and caregiving suggestions.

Practice self-care

Caregiving for your aging parent is a marathon, not a sprint. Practicing self-care is not a display of weakness. It is an act of care for your parent as well as yourself — it increases the likelihood you’ll be there for your parent as long as they need you, and that you have quality of life both during and after that time.

Your first step is to acknowledge that you do not have an endless supply of energy. You cannot do everything, and you cannot do anything for an indefinite time with no rest. You will need to:

• Set boundaries to manage demands on your time and energy.
• Manage your own expectations of yourself.
• Understand what’s truly in your realm of control and accept the things that are not.

An EAP counselor can you help you work through these considerations. They can also help refer you to support resources. They can help you determine if longer-term counseling could be beneficial to you.

If you have Work/Life benefits, you have access to information on aging, including caregiving. A legal or financial consultation can help you identify how you can help your parent with estate planning, if needed. Visit eap.wa.gov to request counseling or access Work/Life benefits. (Contact your HR to learn if you have Work/Life benefits.)

Subscribe to the EAP employee newsletter to get articles and updates by email.

The Washington State Employee Assistance Program (EAP) is a free, confidential program created to promote the health, safety and well-being of public service employees and their household adult family members. EAP provides counseling and other resources to support well-being, address workplace concerns, and help with legal and financial issues. Reach out to EAP online or call 877–313–4455. To find out if the Washington State EAP serves your agency or organization, contact your supervisor or human resources department.

Links to external websites are provided as a convenience. The Employee Assistance Program and the Department of Enterprise Services do not endorse the content, services, or viewpoints found at these external sites. Information is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to replace the counsel or advice of a qualified health or legal professional. For further help, questions, or referral to community resources for specific problems or personal concerns, contact the EAP or other qualified professional.