De-escalating Yourself
It is an interesting time we live in, isn’t it? I’m sure you’ve noticed more anger, frustration and fear in people compared to before the pandemic. Working with people that are “triggered” can be taxing, tiring and exhausting. I want you to know that you are not alone.
I was in law enforcement for over 12 years. I worked reactive patrol and as a street gang detective. I learned that it’s a true feat to “de-escalate” someone in a heightened state. When we try, they believe that we’re trying to control them and they push back.
The key to “de-escalation” skills is to control yourself first. When we move into fight, flight or freeze mode, our brain is no longer working rationally. When we start to control, to see what our brain is doing, then we’re making headway (pardon the pun).
Often when we are in conflict our brain goes into “survival” mode. Our brains are like scared puppies at times. Puppies get scared, run up to the third floor of our home and hide under the bed until everything is over. The thing is, our puppy (our brain) thinks it’s protecting itself. It thinks “Oh no! I know where this is going!” and it not only takes us out of the moment, it hijacks our experience. Point in fact, you may notice your brain starts linking the present into a past experience.
When I left law enforcement, I started a program for kids. One time, I went to a school to talk with the principal. She was in a meeting so they asked me to sit in her office for a minute. OH BOY! I went in and right after I sat down, I started getting tingly, sweaty… and I was extremely nervous.
Why? Great question! Some of you may have already guessed. Yes, I was in the principal’s office OFTEN when I was a wee lad, and in those days, you would get, well…hacked. So, here I am, 33 years old and my body, my BRAIN is scared. “It’s happening again!” and it starts to prepare me for what it thinks is coming!
I have good news. Once you notice you’re no longer present, or “triggered,” you can make different choices. With practice, patience and persistence, you’ll get great at noticing. Then, you can intervene. It’s truly about looking around, taking a breath and doing a reality check.
But wait, there’s more!
As you are being asked to do more, and met with more resistance than before, now is the time to take better care of yourself, too. That’s when I take time to slow down, and I don’t try to do too much. It’s a time for me to reflect, take a breath and re-prioritize.
Here’s what to do with the direct “conflict” aspect of de-escalation. The first thing is to do your best to get calmer. Then, do your best to stop your part in the conflict. Meaning, watch the voice in your head and the energy that’s happening inside you. Take a breath, look around and become an observer of the event. Once you do that, you’ll notice a myriad of ideas and approaches that come flooding back into your memory. These are the same approaches you knew before, but for you, couldn’t remember.
Now that you’re thinking clearer, develop a plan. Identify an approach and try it. Next, keep observing. Look at the results, or lack thereof, of what you tried. If you need to, try again.
Thank you for all you are doing in the world. Thank you for supporting all of us through this odd and unique time.
Remember, take care of you!
Until next time,
Paul Figueroa, Peace Enforcement LLC
