We Grow, We Don’t Change

What if we never really change, what if we only grow?
I had to ask myself that question when I began to express myself more. The moment I started practicing self expression, was when I realized that people really never change.
Change
A lot of situations and the restriction each situation brings to the table, leads us into thinking that person we are close to can change.
One bitter truth, comes when we actually keep being the only ones to cause that change. The thing about real, genuine change is that it doesn’t wait around for directions before erupting.
It’s confusing most times, because you think that somehow if you can just make the perfect moves, that person really dear to you, would catch on the cue and follow through.
That’s why it gets really frustrating, because you begin to realize that they are not taking actions, they are only reacting to the level of actions you take.
Your Self Worth
How you perceive yourself in every situation is key. When making decisions concerning other people around you, it’s your perception that helps you stand out from complying to their validation.
To make the right choice for you, you have to be selfish and bold, because every other person is also prioritizing their self worth.
The mistake most of us make, especially me, is that we often entangle our self worth with the self worth of others. This is a recipe for chaos in our lives, because you can never truly measure the extent of someone else’s self worth.
In your heart and mind, you might be confident that you know them, but in reality, all you know is the little they’ve chosen to show you over time.
The Misconception
You actually really think that if you tell someone how you feel about something, it would automatically change their perception, but most times you’re wrong.
When we value people, we value them, we don’t get to choose when to respect and when to disrespect them.
We have to always remember this when dealing with people who pick and choose when to respect us. You may begin to feel you’re the cause of their actions, but it’s actually just who they are, same way you’re expressing yourself is how they are doing theirs too.
When you prioritize your wellbeing on behalf of someone else, then you’re already harming yourself long-term. You fail to shield yourself carefully, you leave yourself unnecessarily vulnerable to someone who’s outcome has never depicted they actually do care.
When they lash out, you fail to see the red flag, because all of a sudden, in your head they are just reacting. The moment you choose to react, there is always a collision, your expression is never allowed to breathe even for a second.
Boundaries
Ask yourself, who sets the boundaries?
Are you the only one who always looses the barrier and extends the table?
They keep punishing you for crossing their boundaries, and the collateral damage always ends up being your own boundary. They can cross yours too, but only a ‘five letter word’ is enough collateral damage for them.
Can you reach out for your dignity, that is a privilege for you, but can you express your bitterness, that’s a sin of you.
Growth
People grow, we transform and develop through different phases in our life.
That toxic person might become polished, respectful, warming, kind.
Don’t let that deceive you, I beg of you, don’t let ‘growth’ distort your judgement of someone you’ve had an experience with. One thing about growth is that it’s more of external than internal.
Most people grow to match societal standards, not to actually evolve as humans. They tick all the checkboxes, but they never truly value the next person.
We grow with each passing new experience, we learn to value new people we meet, but that doesn’t mean we get to value those whom we grew away from.
Grow Into — Growth
Growth usually never causes change, all it does is adopt new habits that are strong enough to overshadow the ‘old ways’.
When someone new comes into your life, they meet you at a stage in your growth. You grow into their lives, and your updated capacity is what they experience. This doesn’t mean you’ve changed, it just means you have successfully been able to suppress that old side of you with your new experience and the habits that come along with it.
This new person in your life, gets to see you differently, they come onboard and experience this new level of growth you have.
Grow Away — Change
Truth is, people really don’t truly change. They may prove it, but certainly not for long.
People who hurt you, end up growing away from you. They go ahead to transform to new experiences, but they never change towards you. That value you so desire can never be given to you by them. It’s a bitter truth we all have to come to realize.
The naiveness that comes with wanting someone to change is what causes us that long term pain we feel.
Nobody would ever change for you, you’re not that important to anyone to spark off an actual change.
If someone truly values you, it wouldn’t be a ‘debate’ all the time on your ‘worth’. It would rather be a speech on how much more they can invest in that ‘value’.
You don’t see business owners, debating whether they should make the right calls and investments on their business. Whatever is required, they go through strides and come through for that franchise.
Why should you allow that kind of debate with your ‘self worth’?
They will grow away from you, leave you to heal alone, and they would never change towards you. You have to know this, so you can be reminded that it wasn’t always your fault.
Systems and Consistency
A person who adopts a toxic system towards you, can always tweak the system to match your level of expression at each point in that relationship.
Someone who consistently values you, shows you care, and respects you, would always either increase that consistency or decrease it.
The key here is to realize that, the person who grows away, always leaves a system in place towards you. On the other hand, someone who has always been consistent with you is always going to remain that way. They may leave you, but they are always going to consistently place that initial ‘value’ on you.
A ‘system’ can be manipulated, but a ‘consistency’ would always be maintained.
Why Change, When I Can Care Less?
Nobody is changing towards you, when they can always just decide to care less about you, and save themselves the stress of actually ‘changing’.
Who ever is hurting you, may feel bad the first time, but once they assess the magnitude of change required to never hurting you again, they simply don’t value you that much.
They hear you when you express your pain, but they don’t bother changing, because they can always care less about your feelings. The less they care, the more they can ‘thrive’ hurting you.
Don’t think they don’t see your pain, they actually do, but you have to remember that they hurt you in the first place to give your ‘expression’ a test and know how much they can toy with it while still ‘keeping’ you around.
Your ‘why are you doing this?’ is just another form of ‘blabbing' and ‘distress’ to them. They have already won when they got away with the ‘first hurt’ all that is left for them is to know just how to dabble with whatever remains of your emotions.
We Grow, We Don’t Change
My dear friend, I know it’s hard to realize, but the naiveness has to stop, they may grow, but they would truly never change.
Growth can manifest through many additions and upgrades, but change takes place through painful subtraction, overhaul, stepping back to a previous version, where the ‘next person’ can also thrive.
Nobody is willing to go through all that just for you or someone else, people are thinking only for themselves. You are only but a figment of their imagination, a thought that can be shuffled at anytime.
We need to prioritize our space, the ones who need us are still out there, they need us genuine, not fake and trying desperately to fit into the imagination of someone who would rather care less than change.
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