And they lived happily ever after
A note on being happy
I’ve seen this quote more than once:
“The important things in life aren’t things.”
I thought I understood it. The important things in life are love, friendships, dreams, et cetera et cetera. These aren’t things, obviously. Things like money or big houses or fancy cars aren’t important in life, at least not as important as the non-thing things. The practical side of me gives money, house and car adequate credit, too. Without these unimportant things, love and friendships and dreams will be a little cranky. It’s an educated guess.
Practicality aside, the meaning of this Etsy-friendly quote didn’t really sink in until sometime recently. There wasn’t a single moment when a magical switch flipped and it suddenly dawned on me; that is to say, changes in thinking were often a process. There was, however, a moment when the thought was captured and recorded. It was on our anniversary (or, since we have two a year, should I call it “bianniversary”? “semianniversary”?) On such occasions, couple often find themselves reviewing the event(s) that happened on this date, recalling fond memories, renewing their love for each other, blah blah blah. So there we were: reviewing our weddings, 3 years later, at 3 a.m., in bed.
The wedding that we put together was a mild disaster. There were more guests that our budget could invite, yet we invited them anyway. There were more ideas for centerpiece and decoration than our prep time allowed, but we tried them all anyway. There were more personality clashes between the bride and the groom than our communication system could handle, and why not, we had them all. I was cranky before and during the day, sometimes visibly, sometimes quietly. I was sure, as it was happening, that I would not be able to get over this for a long time. This was an once-in-a-lifetime event, I thought, and I had missed the chance to do it right.
To my surprise, it didn’t haunt me that long. I am now somewhat glad that it happened the way it did. It was our chance to learn how to do things together. And, it was my chance to learn that, the most important things in life aren’t things.
For example, I didn’t need most of the things we put on our wedding registry. They are nice to have, but without them, I’ll live.
I didn’t need to realize all the cute decor ideas I found on the Enormous Internet. How much happier would the presence of pinwheels make me feel? Not that much.
I didn’t need to have every little thing done in an imaginary perfect way. It would be nice if they were all perfect, of course, but nice enough that it was worth it to freak out? No. To not go to sleep until 3 am the night before my wedding? No, not really. To be a grumpy monster to everyone around me? No. Would I trade this perfectionism for a fun, low-key day when I was surrounded by my loved ones, laughing a lot? Absolutely.
As it turns out, weddings are important, but not in the way I think they are. It isn’t one single perfect day when all my wishes come true, the flowers bloom, the music swells, and I feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. (If it was, then the next day I would come back to the grey wintry reality in which I was a miserable ugly duckling.) And the fact that I did not bitterly regret for not having these things showed that I didn’t really want them that much.
There are things that I do regret, though without bitterness:
- Being impatient with my then fiance. Good thing he stayed throughout the whole thing.
- Being cranky with my friends who came to help with the wedding. What I meant to show was exactly the opposite: I loved having them with me, wedding or not.
- Having a “correct” wedding that followed a general format approved by the Enormous Internet rather than a tiny gathering with just the people I love.
- Not knowing what would make me happy and as a result, trying to accomplish everything else.
I am now officially glad that I had a Wedding Disaster. It taught me to ask a question with everything I do in life: “Does this make me happy?” Does holding on to this job for another three years make me happy? Does having a fancy PhD degree make me happy? Does hoarding these craft supplies that I hope I would use some day make me happy? Does buying this 19th pair of shoes make me happy? Does scrolling through Facebook every 20 minutes make me happy?
And then, on the other side, does taking a short walk in the woods make me happy? Does being productive on my work project make me happy? Does reading a book make me happy? Does a text to/from a friend make me happy? Does writing make me happy?
In the end, the important things in life aren’t things.
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