Why should gender equality affect dating?
Why the change in power dynamics is scary and what we can do about it.
I was sitting on the couch across from my father, the man who taught me about always fighting for an idea, and to never feel forced to say yes to anything.
“ I think it will be more difficult for you to find a man because you can scare men away”, he said. I frowned, not because I felt offended but because I was trying to figure out where he was going.
“You are strong, you are independent, sometimes aggressive. You are successful in your job and you are attractive. That can scare so many men away”. Perplexed, I remained silent.
I have learned in the last years to not feel personally offended by these statements. But I do admit that the fear is there. But then I think about it: What am I supposed to do? Be less of something? Be tamed?
The fear in women:
In her infamous speech “We should all be feminists” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie discussed how women are often told to “be successful, but not too successful”, pretty but not too pretty, and so on.
For centuries, women have been silenced, and this resulted in many women making themselves “less” of something they were, hiding. Successful women have often been seen as overstepping men in their same positions and were humiliated for that, or the credit was not given to them.
For years, historians refused to believe that a woman had devised the theory behind the creation of the first model of the computer. It was a woman who invented the square-bottomed paper bag we all still use today, yet a man was given credit for it.
So, being powerful, having new ideas, and being successful has inevitably become for some either scary or a synonymous of aggressive and bossy oversteppers who just can’t keep their vaginas in check.
This comes to dating as well. Being single and thirty has proved to be the most incredible experience of my life, but also a challenging one (society-wise). I have often found myself in front of men and women who reminded me about my ticking biological clock (which is also a sexist construct) and have had numerous conversations with older generations who always mentioned women’s “emancipation” as being one of the main reasons for not finding a boyfriend.
The other side of the coin:
“Could you answer this question: How will increased gender equality affect dating?” was the notification on my Quora newsletter this morning. It was asked by a man.
Though it was not specified, I assumed he referred to heterosexual couples.
The first answer, by a man, discussed how increased gender equality might affect men because women won’t be attracted to them anymore. “Women are attracted to powerful men”, it said matter-of-factly.
So apparently there seems to be a worry on both sides. Whilst some women are scared of overpowering men, some men are very afraid that if they are not the powerful ones, then we will lose our interest completely.
This is the type of mentality that has made rape an epidemic and “femicide” a word.
We need to reverse this. Gender equality should not affect dating in a negative way or any way for that matter. Romance and love should not be based on roles and dynamics but rather on the full acceptance of oneself and the other person.
Heterosexuals can look around and see that many people who do not identify with the standard gender roles are already dating happily. Gays, lesbians, trans, and queer people are leading the way. Let’s look there, not at the fears we have from a society that does not belong to us anymore.
Yes, dating when the gender roles of heterosexuals in society change will make it different, but we can choose to change with it.
First, we can talk about our fears, together, acknowledging them and setting them free. Progress means change, and we need to be malleable with that change just as we should be with ourselves changing. So if you are a man and you feel uncomfortable or overpowered by a woman, accept it. See where it comes from and then move on.
As a woman, keep reminding yourself that you should not make excuses for your success or not talk about it because it might “scare” people away. Keep reminding yourself that you should be appreciated for your success and most of all that you should appreciate yourself for it.
Previous generations are so worried about us “ending up alone” and not being able to handle all this change in societal dynamics. But we should not be. To use the words of a very wise woman I know “I’d rather they don’t love me for who I am than that they love me for who I’m not”.
