[Wayfinder Star Journey] The hitchhiker to the Milky Way

Written by Hasu

My first journey to Europe can be short, but long, and it’s almost over now. I think it was just yesterday that I said to Yeonsu at the YIP forum, ‘If you wake up, you’ll be on a plane heading to Korea,’ and the prediction has never been wrong. If you live as it goes, and suddenly realize the moment, a lot of time has passed. Perhaps after three noisy weeks with 11 people, I felt a little lonely at first, as I suddenly became alone. But I was used to being alone. I think I’ve changed a lot in just three weeks. Like, I used to worry a lot but now I don’t have much to worry about even the canceled flights on the day I left. I was physically exhausted when I crossed over to Munich after staying in Berlin for another week after the wayfinder star. Moreover, it rained a lot and the weather was so cold that it took longer to stay at home, and naturally it was time to wrap up and look back on the journey.

While we were together, I tried not to think of the meaning or significance of this journey. I felt that my actions to find meaning were putting pressure on me, so I wanted to get myself out of that burden even for three weeks, and even if I didn’t have to try I couldn’t do it because I was busy. However, I felt compelled to reveal my true intention to answer the question because the trip was coming to an end and there were bunch of time to think alone.

Finding myself was my greatest gain on this journey. I’m standing right here on two feet, and it was ironic at first that I had to find myself on the way to Europe. Looking for me from someone else also felt like a story that didn’t add up. In fact, I wanted to go home in the beginning. It was hard to get along with people, and at Odder it made me hard that I coudn’t accept the freedom given to me plainly. Others seemed to be looking for their own freedom, but I felt I was the only one who was nervous because I didn’t have a good answer. Even when we left our writings, I didn’t wrote our moments because I was afraid that someone would judge me only by my writing. I couldn’t concentrate on myself because I was just walking on eggshells too much. I thought I was getting lost on the journey to find me.

But for the first time through the Open Master, I could face myself. Because I didn’t know much about myself since I was not a person who was reflective. I came to think about what my life was like and what kind of events affected me. I learned to focus on me in conversations I had with Jim throughout our way to the IPC. In fact, it was possible to put myself down with the ‘grounding’ he advised me to do, and I think what I am has become somewhat clearer. I could see my fear (which was mostly about relationships) in other people’s perspective in conversations I had with people at the forum. I first experienced the process of “harvesting”, and just by letting someone else solve my story gave me a lot of enlightenment. In our open space, I could realize what kept me from going. Of course I can subdivide it, but in the end, I couldn’t even try to make a small mistake because I wanted everything to be ‘perfect’. Knowing this, I became really comfortable in the process of making a mistake a little by little. It took me a long time to let go of me. Of course, communicate with other people, cry and laugh together, and be comforted by the warmth of good people, all were the opportunity to realize or think about something else, not just about me, and to open up various possibilities to move forward. It would have been hard to get much in such a short time if I were alone.

However, this journey did not define the existence of me. Because I found out that I was not a fixed being but a building being. Sitting still doesn’t mean I can see me in the context of the pieces that make me from various experiences. I think it takes a lot of experience to understand this, even if it’s so simple. I think the moments of realizing these obvious things come together and become life. And isn’t there a saying, “Love the question, not the answer”? I used to think this was a cliche, but now I feel a little familiar. Who am I, and what am I living for? The answer is not something that can be realized right now. I’ll find the answer by my side at some point in life. I think the process toward the answer itself is my life.

I can’t believe I’m getting this realization in three weeks! It was a great time to spend with such great people. I have to move forward with this realization, but I don’t know if I can make it with this feeling. Maybe feeling sad is that I want to remember it as much as long. Maybe it was really wonderful at last to become more sad. But there are people who expect me to be myself in the future, so I can take a step forward.

The last thing I want to say. You, stars have gathered and another Milky Way has been created in my universe. Now I can use it as a guide to make a new journey. I hope it was time for each other to become the North Star of each other, and I’ll wait for the day when we can hitchhike to the Milky Way again. See you all someday!