The Non-Obvious Cost of Being Nice

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There is a not so obvious cost to being nice as a leader.

We all want to be liked. Mostly, we want to avoid conflict whenever possible (I know that I do). The problem is that we put too much emphasis on our feelings, and not enough on the true needs of our team and the company for that matter.

I had something happen recently that I am sure you can relate to. I have someone on my team that was (in my opinion) not living up to their potential. They were doing a good job, meeting most of their goals and getting work done, but I knew they could do better. I expected them to do more in their role at our small company. I wanted them to think more critically about the things we were doing, to challenge the strategy a bit in order to find the best way to achieve the goals of the business.

The problem was I didn’t confront them on this. I’d had the best of intentions. Putting together my thoughts on how I would state specifically where I saw they could do better. How I felt they were not living up to their potential, etc, etc. Except when the moment came I choked. I didn’t say any of it. Instead, I just pointed out the few things that were going well and softly suggested a few ways we might improve.

So what happened? Well, a cycle of self-doubt, mixed with ego happened. The thought process went something like this….

Man, I really feel like they could be doing more here.

Do I really know that? Maybe they can’t.

Am I asking too much?

What exactly am I expecting? How can I hold them to a high standard without knowing for sure they can reach it?

We are reaching some of the goals. I don’t want to set unrealistic expectations.

Wait, that’s not the point, it’s that I know they can deliver more, not a specific number.

I don’t want to alienate them in this process.

How do I communicate this while not sending a message of “you’re sucking at your job”?

The cycle goes on and on, mostly in circles. Can you relate?

At the core, the problem was that I just wanted to be nice and not have an extremely honest conversation with them. In doing so, I did everyone a disservice and everyone loses.

My team loses
It sets up inaccurate expectations. I tell them everything is fine while I’m are using a different rubric to measure them with. This leads to resentment on my end and confusion on their end. They also run the risk of stagnating and either underperforming or leaving to go to an environment where they will grow. They lose.

I lose
It propagates resentment. You are not satisfied and you don’t vocalize it. Because you didn’t get it in the open it breeds resentment and becomes harder then next time expectations don’t match up. I lose because I have effectively alienated that person and created a ton of bad blood.

The organization loses
You don’t meet goals that you set as a company. I am not saying that you need to meet your goals 100% of the time but you do need to have accurate expectations. When you have expectations make sure they are stated, they are discussed and revised as needed. If someone is not living up to them then you need to revise (then communicate them) so you can plan accordingly.

Stop putting your feelings above the needs of your team and your organization, it is toxic. You need to be honest with your team. Their success and the company’s success depends on it. You don’t have to be a jerk but you have to be honest. You need to provide context for what you expect and then have regular conversations.

Just like you, I am trying to lead my team the best I can. I share what I’m learning in actionable leadership tips like this one every week. To sign up check out https://www.waypointhq.info/