Ways Manipulators Will Trap You In A Relationship

Are You Being Blindsided and Played?

Sam [Sans Surname]

Published in

We Are Warriors

9 min readOct 7, 2019

Emotional Appeal As A Destructive Device

Psychological manipulators will appeal to your emotions and hijack your logic. They will make you think that they deserve to be a part of your world, often at the price of your own sanity and well-being. Everyone uses manipulation tactics every once in a while in their daily lives, such as in sales, pitches, and other applications of persuasion — that is, not all manipulation is necessarily bad.

However, when someone is using these things to gain clear advantage by harming another person, it becomes a destructive force with malicious intent. They will prey on your ability and willingness to be “human,” including appeal to human emotion that includes evoking feelings of love, hope, guilt, shame, sympathy, fear, or obligation.

Here are some techniques used by manipulators and ways to tell you’re being played by someone in an intimate relationship.

They Will Engage in “Epiphany Faking.” They Will Have Revelation, or Sudden Change of Heart or Mind.

This will appeal to the “false hope” that a manipulator has been hard at work to create in their targeted victim. It helps their cause tremendously if the victim is already confused beyond the realm of rational logic.

They will claim to have some sort of revelation, or to see the light to their “ways.” They will recognize probably for one of the first times ever, that they themselves have a problem for which they need to seek help.

They might claim to be depressed, or say that they need clinical help. They might say they are greedy, or that they’ve been selfish and that they’re going to implement a plan to take action and change.

This tactic is often seen toward the end of a relationship or when the manipulator senses that the victim will soon bail. If this happens in an abusive relationship, it can be an indicator of imminent escalation of violence or a attempt to take back power from the victim.

They Will Resort to Apologizing, Begging and Pleading. They Will Try to Regain Your Approval.

Ever heard of puppy dog eyes? This is a classic way that a manipulator will use to regain your approval. Some manipulators might apologize, while others who are more narcissistic may never apologize and continually place fault on you for their behavior.

They’ll put forth their best face and effort to convince you and persuade you that it “won’t happen again.”

Some may act like nothing ever happened. Others might beg and plead, offering their sincerest acting to guilt you into staying with them. As soon as they have you back where they want you, they’ll continue to do the things that led them to beg and plead for forgiveness and a second chance to begin with…only it will likely be more intense.

Photo by Martha Dominguez de Gouveia on Unsplash

They Have Medical or Other Emergencies. They’ll Claim That They “Need You Right Now.”

They might implement this strategy to get your attention back, get you to come back to the relationship after leaving, prevent you from escaping, or to cause a massive diversion from another deception somewhere else that they don’t want you to notice. Also, they will use this to make you feel “needed” and significant in their life.

By faking a crisis, they’ll put you in panic mode. This targets the appeal to emotions through use of fear and sympathy.

Sometimes, this could include claiming to have a “having a breakdown” or mental health crisis, or threats of self-harm to prevent the target from leaving. They might lie and say they have a serious or terminal medical illness, such as cancer or have had a heart attack, all in attempts to lure you back to the relationship. Some manipulators have even gone as far as taking photos of them in the hospital emergency room.

They’ll Trap You With “Future Faking.” They’ll Create a World Based on Perceived Reality.

They’ll talk about your future together, or what things you will do or accomplish. This is used to instill hope, and make the targeted person have a positive outlook and perception of the relationship.

By imagining what the relationship could be, the victim will mistake this for what the situation actually is.

Under this false impression, the manipulator will be able to blind the targeted victim to the true nature of the dynamic between the two of them. This allows the manipulator to maintain control until the target realizes that the manipulator has made false promises, which can sometimes take a substantial amount of time to pass first.

Photo by Oscar Ivan Esquivel Arteaga on Unsplash

Commit and Bail, Bait and Switch. Use of Situation or Person to Trap You to Responsibility.

Manipulators will find ways to get you to invest in them and with them. They want to go down together with you, or simply for you to go down and them to rise up — all while camouflaging this act of commitment as genuine desire to promote family growth and well-being. This might include a home or car purchase, purposed marriage, or deciding to have children.

Once they have you tied down both in status and financially, they’ll use this tactic further to make you dependent on them for your livelihood — and will probably turn around and blame you for this, further disabling you with the bondage of guilt and shame.

Sadly, abusive individuals will also use their own children or other family members as leverage to manipulate you on the basis of obligation. Manipulators who are destructive will stop at nothing in order to satisfy their own needs, even if it includes hurting other people in order to win.

They’ll Hit You With The “Check-In” and Crumb Throwing. They’ll Disorient You, or Give You False Hope to Keep You Attached.

While not everyone who struggles with keeping up with people is being manipulative — that is, certainly those who struggle with mental health or going through transitions or difficulties might have problems with this — in the cases of abuse there will be a clear pattern of ignoring and giving attention that is accompanied by a few other manipulation tactics.

It might have been a while since you last heard from them, but they’ve just sent you a random text message saying “hey.” Suddenly, your heart flutters with happiness, hope, and appreciation.

Over time, this will build and strengthen a false bond between the manipulator and the target. It can leave the target confused, wondering if what they are feeling is really a true reflection of the relationship. A simple “gift” of attention is all it takes to put the victim back into a “false hope” mode, continuing to believe the connection is viable.

They’ll Make You Pity Them. By Making You Feeling Sorry For Them, They’ll Gain an Advantage to “Use” You.

If you feel sorry for them, it is easier for them to have their way with you. You might act in extra effort of compassion and kindness towards them, and be more willing to help, rescue, or offer aide to them.

The first question you might ask will be, “what can I do?” or “what do you need?” Then, the manipulator will have free reign to impose their willful plan in taking advantage of you to do their bidding.

With a clever internal smile, they’ll feel satisfied in knowing you are ready to grovel to their every need at a moment’s notice.

Presenting Specific or Unique Things To Make You Feel Significant or Special. Giving You What You Want…Or Making You Think They Have.

They’ll bring up special memories, photos, events, or have a way of speaking that will evoke feelings of nostalgia and longing. It could be inside jokes that only the two of you share, or it could be a holiday vacation that was “perfect.”

If you’ve been pointing out things that aren’t good in the relationship, they might offer something that will show they respect your needs or appreciate your input in some way. This will take the attention off whatever negatively has recently come up, and reroute your feelings back to where they want them to be.

They’ll make you feel important by selectively highlighting things that are dear to your heart to make you remember how much you care for them, and how much they value you as well.

Direct or Indirect Coercion or Threats, Including The Possibility Of Abandonment.

This is typically done in an indirect way, so as to better disguise the manipulation, which would yield the intended result of the manipulator — as most people would be able to recognize a direct threat as being harmful.

Manipulators will use fear to make people act according to their will.

They often do this to get the individual being targeted to feel that their behavior was a result of their own choice or actions. This is usually in the form of, “if you don't X, then I won’t Y.” It seems logical enough, right? Towards the end of a relationship, the threats may become more direct and violence could escalate as a result.

Gift Giving, Letter Writing, Or Extreme Romantic Gestures.

The manipulator might go over the top, lavishing you in special treatment or gifts. They may appeal to your heart by presenting a handwritten love letter or something else sentimental.

You might feel obligated then to reciprocate, or feel overwhelmed by emotion that will blindside you to their actions that aren’t reflective of the manipulative gesture of kindness. You might feel guilty, flattered, or shamed…but nonetheless, you feel desired, wanted, and loved.

This form of manipulation is also used to build trust, or feelings of “addictive love.” Because of the superficial nature of this action, when not used carefully, it can have the opposite affect and the targeted person will be able to see through it. It is seen often in the early stages of an abusive relationship dynamic, when the abuser “lovebombs” the victim.

It’s Time to Revaluate.

If you’ve had the wool pulled over your eyes, fear not. It isn’t your fault that someone took advantage of your kindness and willingness to be a decent human. There is still hope to recover damages and dignity, and there is no need to any longer be weighed down by guilt and shame of deception.

It might take a while for a person’s insincerity to surface, but eventually it will become evident that this person is just being manipulative. It is often difficult for those who have been victimized to confidently assess the situation and make sound judgments in regards to the true colors of the individual they are dealing with in the relationship. However, there is hope to resolving such dissonance.

No one deserves to be abused.

If you feel you are being abused through manipulation, don’t stay silent — especially if you can see that violence is present. Develop a safe plan of exit and reach out to your local domestic violence shelter, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233 or visit their website online to chat with an advocate.