Kindness is all around us lately. But how do we be kind to ourselves?
As a cognitive behavioural therapist I see kindness in the people I work with and support every day
by Beth Marr, Cognitive Behavioural Therapist
Kindness is everywhere at present. We hear stories about acts of kindness on the news, be it frontline staff putting their lives on the line to protect sufferers, of people delivering food and goods to neighbours in need. We see it in the pictures of rainbows on windows, a warm and comforting image depicting hope through the scrawl of a child’s crayon. We can even wear it courtesy of the numerous t-shirts available bearing slogans such as ‘Be kind’ and ‘Keep Talking’.
As a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, much of my working day is spent in the company of people’s hopes and fears. I get to know who they feel they are, who they would like to be, but something that is very often missing is kindness.
I hear of loved ones, I hear of the people who have become their second heartbeat in a way, helping them to breathe through life’s darkest moments, but when we come to look at their own self-image, the words on my notepad take a decidedly harsher tone. ‘Useless’, ‘embarrassment’, ‘ugly’, ‘inadequate’. These words pepper the pages with a sense of resignation. As much a part of the individual’s identity as the blood that flows through their veins.
Rita is a failure because she is unmarried with no children. Rita never did transfer the childhood images of confetti and tulle into photos in an album and instead shares her sofa with her two cats.
Anna is inadequate. She knows this because her father told her so as she stumbled through the pitfalls of puberty. Her body got it wrong — she was supposed to be athletic and strong, instead she sought comfort in food.
Steve is inept. His boss reminds him of this at each opportunity, in his weekly meetings and across a series of sharp emails, committing each act of ineptitude to black and white words for Steve to read over and over again.
Every day, we meet good people. We share a smile in the supermarket, we speak to a loved one on the phone, we see a friendly face on the TV. But as we come to lay our heads down on our pillows, it is the unkind voice that we so often hear. The friend who didn’t text back, the colleague who gave us a puzzled look, that one person who didn’t laugh at our joke. The person in the queue who sighed and looked at their watch while others helped us to pick up the fallen groceries. That one word in that email, the one that seems to say, ‘Not good enough’.
I find I very often meet two clients in one. The first is the cold and critical voice, carefully-selected incidents which underline the inadequacy, the uselessness, the cruelty of the person before me. Sometimes it is almost like watching a poorly-dubbed film, the gentle expression giving way to a damning verdict.
But I sit with this person. I hear these words, I hear of the incidents that reinforce them, and of the people who put them there. And I wait until the vitriol is released, and the flash of anger gives way to the inevitable sadness, and I hope very much to meet the voice beneath. And this is where the change begins.
I see kindness in my clients. The very act of coming to therapy shows a kindness, even if at first this is to protect others from the problems that have set in. But it is only when they are able to find that kindness for themselves, to forgive themselves for their own stumbles, to recall those little moments that flesh out a life — the phone call from a concerned friend not through duty but care, the tick in a box from the boss, the punchlines that hit the mark — that real and meaningful change can begin to take place.
Rita has taken a break from social media and everybody’s picture-perfect lives. She hasn’t spoken to her friend in a while, but she will return the call she avoided and tell her that she saw a bottle of the cheap alcopops they used to swig back in the day and that she thought of her and laughed. It is on her task list.
Anna has a thought challenge worksheet pinned to her fridge, with reminders of an Anna she has not known for a while. Funny Anna, Smart Anna, Idle Anna. There will doubtless be many more Annas and I look forward to meeting some of these as our journey continues.
Steve continues to struggle at work, he has a mortgage to cover. But he has been working on his CV and has been reminded of the man who led him to this job and who will lead him away from it also.
Kindness is everywhere. Everywhere, it seems, but in our own reflection. Kindness is powering the world through these strangest of times, it is keeping us company through the long days and nights of lockdown. It sends us piling out onto our streets on a Thursday evening, and winds its way through our inboxes.
Be Kind is the message. This year once more, we have lost and will lose more people to mental health issues, but for all of us, those here and those not, we must start to be kind to ourselves as well.
*Names have been changed.
These are really tough times for everyone. Our services remain open and we’re here to work alongside you during this difficult time. Visit our website wearewithyou.org.uk for information and advice, to chat to a trained advisor or to find your local service.
