10 Signs someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting became a buzzword around 2016, but what does it actually mean? What is it like to experience someone gaslighting you? We would like to provide you with a short explanation and then some signs to look out for. Although this is by no means the full list, it is at least a starting point for you to use if you feel something is wrong in your, or a friends, relationship.
First, what is gaslighting? It is a form of emotional abuse where someone distorts the truth to manipulate a victim. The goal is for the victim to question their reality and memory, and eventually rely on the perpetrator. Though we most often hear it in conjunction with romantic partners, gaslighting can also occur in family relationships, friendships and in the workplace.
By distorting the truth and making someone second guess their intuition, memory and actions, then one’s self esteem and confidence in themselves declines, potentially trapping someone as a dependent in a relationship. Eventually, as gaslighting often starts small and then increases, it can lead to trusting someone else’s narrative more than your own ideas and decisions. At first a relationship may seem perfect, but a perpetrator can begin to subtly manipulate. It starts subtle so they are not questioned, which leads to a gradual decrease in the victim’s ability to trust in their own perception. Over time, the victim can become confused and isolated.
We would like to introduce 10 signs that someone may be gaslighting you.If this list makes you uncomfortable or have realisations about your relationship then please seek help, either through friends, a therapist or support groups
- They make you second guess yourself
You try to defend your reality but they keep questioning it. It could be questioning what you, or they, had previously said, altering events when they speak to others and making you question your memory or denying your version of reality. They may tell you, and others, that your memory is bad. They will dismiss your version of events and feelings about events. If you hear this enough, or it is ‘proven’, you may feel it is true, and that you cannot trust your own judgement. They could use phrases such as ‘I never said that’ or ‘you are imagining things’.
2. They deflect blame
If something goes wrong it is never their fault, instead it is the victim’s problem. They always twist it to make it your fault, e.g. lashing out in anger because you made them angry or cheating because you didn’t give them enough love, with your reaction being because you are too sensitive. Even small things become your fault- they can never take ownership for their own wrong actions. They are also likely to act like a victim when confronted with this behavior.
3. You are feeling insecure in your own understanding of reality
Linked to number 1, if this has been going on for some time you may already be questioning your perception and memory. You believe what they say automatically, because you have been ‘wrong’ many times before. They may tell you how to feel about something, or what happened. You start to doubt your own beliefs, ideas and memory.
4. Isolating you from loved ones
They may tell you that your friends and family do not love you, and may create evidence for this. Plans could be cancelled by your partner, or messages deleted behind your back. They may tell mutual friends that you do not like them, or that you do not want them to meet you. If you think this may be happening try to reach out to your friends or meet them in person to get the full story.
5. You find yourself apologising all the time
Like number 2, even if it is not your fault somehow you find yourself apologising, or maybe you do it pre-emptively. You are used to taking the blame or being wrong, so you find yourself apologising naturally. Other people may tell you that you apologise too much. However, the person gaslighting you may never apologise to you or emphasise with your feelings.
6. You feel vulnerable or insecure
You may not know exactly what is wrong but something is ‘off’ in your relationship. You do not always feel loved and you may even feel on edge around your partner. They may make you feel insecure or vulnerable, and question you on your whereabouts or what happened.
7. They expect you to prioritise them, but do not prioritise you
You have to take their emotions and feelings into consideration but they never do the same for you. They may make you question your priorities and how you are feeling. They make you feel like they know your needs more than you do, but they rarely behave in your best interests or prioritise your needs.
8. They give affection and then take it away
If you don’t do what they want or fail to prioritise them then they take away affection. This can occur through emotional punishment, for example the silent treatment. They may ignore you, but tell you they are not angry. This can go on for days, and you may end up apologising to stop it or prevent it from happening in the future.
9. If your view isn’t theirs, then you are wrong
We all have things we insist are right or true, but if this is one sided and you are never right it could be a red flag. Especially if someone lies to ensure that you are ‘wrong’. If someone cannot admit to being at fault or wrong, and you are always being told you’re wrong then you can start to not trust yourself.
10. They lie regularly
Everyone tells lies sometimes, but if you find that your partner is lying all the time then there may be a problem. Especially if it is about large things or is regular enough to make you uneasy. If you confront them and they blame you, or refuse to tell this truth this could be a sign of a larger issue.
We hope that this has been helpful for you, and if you are looking for more information check out our website or our AINO Chatbot.
