Dating After Domestic Violence
Leaving a relationship, even a violent one, can lead to a lack of stability in your life. Especially if it seems like all your friends and family are settled down. Perhaps with children, or they seem to have ‘found’ their place in the world.
Firstly, most people don’t have it figured out so don’t compare yourselves to others. Secondly, you don’t have to get yourself back into the dating game if you don’t want to or are not ready too.
Leaving a violent relationship is difficult, and it usually leaves the survivor with trauma of some form. This is not to say that this cannot be worked upon and its impact reduced, but there are probably a few things to work out before trying to date again. If you want to, not dating isn’t a failure and more people than you realise choose to stay single.
The first thing to work upon is independence. Violent relationships can often be controlling. There can be a lack of freedom and independence due to a violent partner’s need to exert control. This could be financial, physical or social. Perhaps you could not meet your friends, had to ask for money, or stopped leaving the house. You may have not been allowed to make decisions.
After leaving a violent relationship your newfound freedom can be difficult to adjust to, even if it is something that you want. By waiting a while to date again you have the chance to figure out what you like and want out of your life. You have time to learn what your relationship boundaries are, and what is acceptable in a relationship. Most importantly, you get to learn what you are comfortable with.
This can come about naturally, or through therapy and psychological help. It is normal to get professional help, especially as violent relationships can leave a survivor with anxiety, low self esteem and trauma. Dating again could trigger feelings of fear or anxiety, due to the experiences of violence a survivor has experienced. Speaking to a professional can help work out what these triggers are, and how to work around them. It can help rebuild someone’s self esteem, and encourage a survivor to find their worth in themselves, not their relationships.
Moreover, a survivor doesn’t necessarily have to tell a new partner about their experiences straight away. It can be a conversation for one day, and a professional can help provide a structure to that, discuss fears about opening up, and suggest ideas of how to approach dating so that the survivor feels safe.
Boundary setting is perhaps one of the most important things a person can do. Brene Brown found that the most compassionate people were the most boundaried. Learning what a healthy relationship looks like, for you, is vital when dating. Everyone has different boundaries, and our media is oversaturated with unhealthy depictions of relationships. This also means that most people, whether they have experienced violence or not, don’t have good models for a healthy relationship. Sensationalising relationships in the media can lead to distorting what is healthy, for the sake of plot. Remember that every relationship is different and communication is key, and it’s not like the movies. Which could be a good thing. I wonder how many movie relationships would actually last in real life?
Vitally, a survivor should only get back into dating if they truly want to, not because of external pressures. If you are not ready, you are not ready. If you don’t want to commit, you don’t want to commit. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries then they are not the right person for you. It is key to learn what is unhealthy, and inversely healthy, in a relationship so make sure that those patterns are not appearing in any new relationship you start, if you choose too. The same goes for new friendships and family relationships. Toxic relationships can be anywhere, watch out for them.
In this day and age we should be lessening the pedestal that we put romantic relationships on anyway- as platonic relationships are just as important. The Greeks had multiple words for the different types of love, and they were all important. Some examples are Eros — romantic, passionate love, Philia — platonic love like a close friendship, Agape — Selfless, universal love, and Storge — kinship-based love. They also have a word for self love, Philautia.
Your friends and family (by blood or chosen) are important relationships in your life and can be just as fulfilling as a romantic partner. Take the time to nurture these, to enjoy your life with those most important to you and always make space for them in your week. Humans need connection and love has many forms. Romantic relationships should be an addition to this, but are not a necessity, and it is up to you to decide if you want to bring back romance.
The final tip we have is to not rush into a new relationship just because it seems exciting, shiny and you feel loved. Domestic violence can include a huge hit to self esteem, build that up first internally and don’t rely on the external validation of a new partner for it. If a partner is meant for you they will be understanding, and accepting of the situation and pace. Don’t throw yourself into something you are not ready for.
If you are a survivor and want to start dating again that’s great! We are rooting for you and your new relationships, and are already sorry for the few bad dates you are probably going to have to endure before you find someone good (we have almost all been there!). If you are a survivor and never want to date again — also great! Nurture your relationships with yourself and others, they are just as important and fulfilling. Also be aware wanting, or not, to date, can change over time. If you have a survivor in your life who may or may not want to date, don’t rush them, accept their boundaries and listen to them.
Dating is a huge hurdle for anyone, but there are plenty of people out there and one bad apple doesn’t mean the whole batch is rotten. Go slow, love yourself and find fulfilment in nurturing all kinds of relationships. WE are rooting for you!
