Domestic Violence and Victim Blaming: How to Recognise it and Stop
All too often we talk about the victims of domestic violence, and only the victims. But this takes out the active agent in the situation. The perpetrator, the person causing the abuse. For someone to be a victim, they must have been acted upon. A survivor is not responsible for their perpetrators’ behavior, it is not their fault. They did not become a victim because of who they were, or where they were, or for their personality. They were victims because someone chose to make them so. Someone chose to behave violently- the perpetrator.
So when we talk about victims, survivors of domestic abuse, and them only, we discredit a major part of the story. We ignore an important part of the narrative which is that they would not be described in such a way, were their perpetrators not committing such crimes. Because domestic violence is a crime. We don’t talk about victims of robbery without talking about thieves, we don’t talk about murder without talking about the person who committed the murder- so why do we talk about those who survive domestic abuse but ignore the perpetrators?
Perhaps because it has been normalized in many cultures that a relationship is ‘kept behind closed doors’ or ‘what happens at home stays at home’. But this isn’t a good answer, it’s an excuse to normalize and allow this behavior to continue. Perhaps it is because we like to think that ‘bad things only happen to bad people’, so if we are ‘good’ nothing bad can happen to us as we have control over our situation. Yet this is not how the world works, and thinking this way doesn’t eradicate potential dangers, it just ignores them.
This narrative choice, in erasing the perpetrators, also comes into display when people ask survivors why they didn’t leave sooner, as if they wanted to be in that situation. As if it was their choice to stay and there were no other surrounding circumstances, be it children, fear, or a lack of financial resources. It doesn’t take into account that domestic violence involves coercion, threats, creating fear and removing agency, and escaping such a situation is not easy. It is often the riskiest time for a victim due to the very real fear of retaliatory violence. So again, why are we blaming the victims and not the perpetrator?
We need to change the narrative from ‘Person A is a victim’ to ‘Person B victimized Person A’
When you hear, or read, about someone escaping or leaving a violent situation do not let yourself or those around you think that it took them a long time even if it did. Do not put a moral judgment on the time it took to leave, question their actions, be sceptical of their experiences or blame them for their situation.
Instead, celebrate that they have left and survived the situation, respect their stories and be glad that they are free from the violence, even if there are mental wounds to be healed. Don’t blame them for their situation, blame the perpetrator. Blaming a victim only reinforces their perpetrators narrative, and can prevent people from reporting crimes. So use an active voice on the perpetrator- they did things, they are at fault and they are responsible. Don’t talk about victims of domestic violence alone, talk about perpetrators of domestic violence. Do not invalidate the experiences of victims, as the abuser is the one responsible.
We hope that this has been helpful for you, and if you are looking for more information check out our website or our AINO Chatbot.
