I had to pretend everything was great — Domestic Violence Survivor Story
This is a survivor story of Grace (name changed). After years of psychological abuse, she realised she was in a violent relationship by reading posts about abuse on social media.
I met my abuser whilst on holidays. He was very charming and friendly. The day we met, we spoke for hours — and oh my God, was this guy my soulmate? We had SO MUCH in common! He seemed so clever and easygoing! We continued to talk and started to meet more frequently, and 3 months later he was already living in my flat. He would say things nobody ever told me, he would give me presents, make surprises and take me to the best restaurants.
Moving to Europe
Coming from Brazil, I always had the dream to move to Europe… and so did he. That was it, 6 months into the relationship: I quit my job, we bought the tickets to move to Europe, and I moved to his mother’s house for a few days until the big move. That was when everything changed. He started to complain about my family and childhood friends. He started to make me fear I would lose him if he found out about things in my life before he came into my life. He would stay silent for hours if someone mentioned something about my past, or a party I had been to before I met him. Depending on the clothes I was wearing, he would tell me his ex cheated on him, that he was insecure, and that was why he was jealous. I accepted, I didn’t want to lose him, I had left my life behind for this big move. I thought things would get better once in Europe.
The day we landed in Europe, we went to buy a microchips for our phones. For some reason, my phone did a backup of old messages, from the time before him. Messages from male friends were backed up and he saw them. He left me alone in a city centre without my phone, without money, completely lost. So many red flags in these first few months, right? From there, things only went downhill during our 7-year relationship.
I was in a new country, without friends. I had deleted all male friends from my social media and contacts, I was scared to keep contact with my old girlfriends in case they might speak about something he didn’t like. I was scared to tell about the situation to my family, as they had already noticed some red flags — so I had to pretend everything was great. I wanted to avoid his silence, I wanted to avoid him pushing walls, I wanted to make it work, I wanted him to change back to the person I had met — It never happened. I left my job, I left my profession, I left my city, I left my childhood friends, I left my family. I moved to another country, I spent all my savings to buy a house with him, I got married, I adopted 2 dogs. I HAD TO MAKE IT WORK.
Work all day, come home to clean, cook, sex
My life was summed up in: work all day, come home to clean, cook, sex. Even after 15- hour shifts, in this order. And oh my God, I was “a witch” for never walking the dogs. Too tired to have sex EVERY day? I was probably interested in someone else. The killing silence would happen. Going to the gym? I was only going to check out hot guys. Going out for a beer after work? I am a married woman, I should come home for my husband. Texting good morning and good night to my parents across the ocean? They don’t love me as much as my husband does. I am too attached to them. Listening to music and watching things I like? No, I am too old for my teenager taste. I need to be part of his life and appreciate what he likes. Making new friends? No, I was just looking for more interesting men. Treating myself to new clothes and shoes? No, he has many hobbies already and we wouldn’t have money to afford such luxuries for myself. Continue studying? No, I am getting old, we need babies now, I don’t realise my age and I am too ambitious, we need babies. It is his dream to be a dad. My dreams and hobbies? I am not fit enough to practice a new sport, we can’t afford it. He is already spending on two sports hobbies, we wouldn’t have the money. New tattoo? I am too old and the tattoo artist will be a man, that man will be touching me, impossible.
Private life? No, I am a joke, all our friends in common can know about my intimacy and laugh about me. Having a picture of myself? A selfie? Never, I am just showing off for guys on the internet. Checking my phone at home? Never, he would definitely think I am texting to a boy. Having another glass of wine? No, I need to drink water now. I could spend a day writing about all the situations I have been, and after 7 years I was well trained and knew his answers. If I didn’t want the silence, I had to obey.
I would never have imagined I was suffering psychological abuse
When inside this situation, for many years, I would never have imagined I was suffering psychological abuse. He was my husband, this is how marriage works, isn’t it? Ups and downs. For some reason, thankfully, more and more people started to talk about psychological abuse on social media. In the beginning I would kind of… ignore them? Then, seeing those posts more and more frequently I realised all the red flags I didn’t notice since day one.
In 2019, my dad suffered an accident in Brazil and ended up in intensive care. I was only allowed to travel alone to Brazil for 7 days. In 7 years living in Europe, I only saw my dad 3 times. My parents would only be allowed to visit us for 2 weeks, whilst his mother would come for 3 months. In 2020, my best friend (who was a male), committed suicide. I didn’t speak to him for 7 years. Because he was male, because in my husband’s head me and my childhood friend could possibly be secret lovers. My husband never met my best friend, but still didn’t like him and I was too scared to keep any contact. Following these two episodes and educating myself about psychological abuse — at work, when he could not overlook what I was doing on my phone — I realised everything that happened wasn’t my fault, that what we had was not a normal and healthy relationship.
Finally, I opened up about the situation
I opened up about the situation to two good old friends for the first time, after 7 years. I then realised how important a safety net is and how isolated I was. I wasn’t scared to stand up for myself anymore. But I still had hope, I tried to leave, but he said he would change, he realised he was wrong. The Pandemic happened. Everything seemed great! Of course, it was just the two of us, stuck at home, the way he always liked. When the lockdown eased, I invited one of those good friends to come and visit us. I was so happy, things changed, he changed, I would finally have contact with my friends and family again. Well, things didn’t go to plan. On her first day in our house, the silence. He mistreated her, and me, again. He didn’t change. Abusers don’t change. I left — without looking back.
