It took me nearly three years to realise I was in a violent relationship with a narcissist — Survivor Story: Janka
This is the intimate partner violence survivor story of Janka. She wishes to share her story with her own name.
It was a long process, and it took me nearly three years to realise I was in a violent relationship. Partially, because as a narcissist, he is a master of manipulation and managed to control me in some way already from the start. Partially, it was because it was not the first time I had been in such a situation, so it felt ‘normal’ and ‘usual’. After many terrible things happened, the straw that broke the camel’s back, was not when he tried to turn me against my family or isolate me from my friends — but when he tried to force me to give up my dog. He knew how important my dog is to me and he used everything to keep me away from my dog even under the same roof. When he turned on the worst emotional abuse just to bully me into getting rid of my dog, the coin finally dropped.
It is not over yet, because as it is typical with a covert narcissist, once after years of emotional abuse turned into intimidation, oppression, and bullying escalated into physical violence, I escaped with my newborn (and my dog). But for nearly three years now, he has continued to abuse me by proxy through the various legal systems and social services. Just as an example, within a 4 month period he reported me 7 times to child protection, launched 3 legal trials and I received weekly threats from him and his lawyer. As I am writing these lines, I am still fighting for my child that he fathered without my consent. I love my child more than life, but the truth is, my abuser impregnated me twice, and when I refused to go through a second abortion, he turned his direct abuse on fully. I know now that sadly, this is part of a narcissist’s toolkit in order to carry on life-long control over his supply. He wished that I miscarry throughout the whole pregnancy, even tried to induce miscarriage a couple of times (I am still glad he didn’t push me down the stairs after I did not miscarry during the first trimester to his disappointment). He induced my labour after he sexually assaulted me 39 weeks into pregnancy.
But, despite all his efforts, a strong, deep, loving bond formed between me and my child. Whenever he was not around- which was thankfully often- I had the best time of my pregnancy and the newborn period too. He completely ruined me financially, destroyed my reputation and is currently working on painting me as a criminal. I have tried to escape him, and I am still trying. All the while I am extremely happy with my child, every difficulty aside we live a balanced, happy and fulfilling life. I met many horrible people along the way — many of whom will be mentioned during a trial at the European Court of Human Rights, as I am literally suing Finland. Most importantly, I met many wonderful people — from the Romani ladies in the shelter home we sheltered at, to family crisis helpers, some social workers, other helpers and even a lawyer who has a soul. I am, we are, very blessed because my whole family stands by us and even my friends went out their ways to help and support us. Our story is not over yet — legal proceedings take years and I wonder if we ever will be safe from his wrath as he is literally capable of anything. Baby steps for now, and being grateful for every day.
