Why It Is Hard To Admit You’ve Experienced Domestic Violence

At We Encourage we know the effect of shame on domestic violence. Many people keep violence in their relationship hidden from others. It can even be hard to admit it to themselves. We have previously posted on how it is difficult to leave violent relationships, and how to overcome the shame that violence can result in, and we understand that this is challenging.

But, we have found recently that the users of our AINO chatbot, created for people wanting to reach out and learn more about domestic violence, find answering if they have experienced violence with a ‘yes’ or ’no’ binary choice is difficult for them. Some would prefer a ‘maybe’ option.

But there is no ‘maybe’. There are many forms of violence, and either you have experienced them or you haven’t.

So why is admitting to experiencing domestic violence, even just to yourself, so difficult?

Speaking reality.

If you have never told anyone something, and no one else knows then you can pretend it isn’t real. Unfortunately domestic violence is very real. And it won’t stop if you just pretend it isn’t happening.

But if you were in a loving relationship with no history violence, especially a long term or passionate relationship, it can be hard to admit something might be going wrong. It is even harder to admit that the person you love has hurt you in such a way.

If it happens once, people often rationalize ‘that it was only once’. When it happens a second time there is another excuse: ‘oh it was an off day, it won’t happen again’. You love this person, so it is natural to find excuses for their behavior, and create reasons for it. You might even falsely blame yourself.

Firstly, violence is never a victim’s fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

Secondly, once is enough. No healthy relationship should involve violence. It cannot be justified. Think about if a friend came to you with the same issue. Would you tell them it is okay and it may not happen again? It is unlikely. Even though I know it is a difficult decision, you would probably encourage them to leave the relationship.

Because once is enough. You can never be sure that it won’t happen again, unless you leave. And what if it escalates or gets worse?

Lying to yourself is false protection

Lying about it to yourself, however, forms a thin, false, veil of protection hiding a situation that could be considered traumatic. It is one of the reasons it goes unreported. Pretending everything is fine, that it won’t happen again allows you to continue life as it was. It can seem like a good option. People seek to avoid cognitive dissonance, and want their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences to align. On one hand you have a loving partner, on the other violent outbursts. Trying to hold both conceptions of your partner can lead to cognitive dissonance about the situation.

Lying to yourself that it won’t happen again allows you to focus on the loving side.

But it has happened. And it could happen again.

People can change, but it is not the victim’s responsibility, and it takes a lot of work that the abuser has to put in. They have to want and work towards change. But, that takes both sides admitting there is a problem in the first place, and the abuser accepting their actions are unacceptable.

So, it makes sense that our users wish we had a ‘maybe’ option. The impact of violence is often minimized, or ‘not that bad’. But how do we define ‘bad’. As far as we are concerned, bad means all violence. There is no such thing as ‘a little bit’. ‘A little bit’ is enough over the threshold to be considered violence. And that is wrong.

You, your friends and your loved ones deserve better. Any children affected by the partnership deserve better. In a healthy relationship you deserve to be loved, cared for and treated with respect. An act of violence towards you is none of those things. Even if there is an apology. It happened. It could happen again.

This isn’t a blog to scare or cause alarm, although I understand it might. If it does, think about what that alarm is highlighting about your life. Think about your safety, or that of those you know.

If you have questions check out our AINO app, a chatbot that can discuss issues around domestic violence and answer any of your questions. It can even just provide information if you are not sure what counts as violence. After all there are many types including mental, physical, sexual and economic violence.

If anything feels ‘off’ in a relationship, and here I would like to add this includes familial and workplace relationships and friendships, share your concerns with AINO, a friend or a family member. There are specialized professional services you can reach out to as well.

People who love you don’t continue to cause you harm or make you fearful of their reaction. They don’t pressure you or act in a controlling manner. They want you to thrive, and give you the love, respect and care everyone deserves. They want the best for you, as do we.

We hope that this has been helpful for you, and if you are looking for more information check out our website or our AINO Chatbot.