I’ve been a parent for exactly eight weeks. I was pretty sure I knew everything about parenting the day I knocked up my wife. Two of us versus one of her. How bad could it be?
I’m humble enough to admit there are a few things I’ve learned since she was born. But still confident that I know everything else.
Here are the main ones in no particular order:
Bottle warmers are bullshit.
Front to back. Always front to back. Never back to front or my daughter will die. (Not sure about the accuracy of that last part but that’s what I tell myself so I don’t forget FRONT TO BACK.)
Everyone keeps telling me she’s going to have me wrapped around her finger like that’s a bad thing. If my daughter chooses me to be the person she depends on, then wrap away little girl. I’ll be there for you. All you haters can kiss my ass.
If one more person says, “Welcome to parenting” when I mention a negative aspect of this journey, I will kill them. Let this be exhibit A at my trial.
Babies cry because they’re either dirty, hungry, need to be burped or bored. Bored is the most difficult one to fix.
It’s okay to want a snack after changing a particularly shitty diaper. There is nothing wrong with me.
Sleep crutches are okay. Worry about the future in the future. My baby needs to sleep now.
90% of all girl’s clothes are pink. Like Pepto Bismol pink. The other 10% have either glitter, lace, or some other girly stereotype. They usually focus on how pretty she is and to be honest, they’re hideous. My daughter is more than one thing. She is more than one color. She will be anything and everything she chooses. So my wife and I shop in the boys section to have choices.
It’s okay to lose my shit from time to time. However, I have much less time to find my shit now.
I now subscribe to a YouTube channel devoted to weird images only newborn babies will find interesting. And you know what, my daughter loves it. Which means I do too.
Yes, old people, I know you didn’t have Google when you were a parent. Well, maybe if you did, your kids wouldn’t suck. (Don’t worry, I realize I’m including myself in the sucky kids group.)
Jeff Bezos is the greatest man alive because he built Amazon into what it is today: a one stop shop to find every obscure object a baby needs and then have it on my porch by end of day.
The Brag is a brilliant name for a burp rag. (Trademark pending.)
This is much harder on my wife than it will ever be on me. She gives more of her body than I can. But if she’s up in the middle of the night to feed her, I’ll be up to burp when she’s done.
I’ll never stop learning new things from my little girl.