Update on June 17, 2020: Karma came back to bite me in the unmentionables for making fun of toilet paper hoarders. Apparently toilet water spray has become a potential way to spread coronavirus disease 2019. Click here for details.
I watched her go flying through Target at lightning fast speed. She jumped and grabbed the last four-pack of store brand toilet tissue like it was a football. I was waiting for her to yell “Touchdown!” for this accomplishment. And that was when I knew my fellow American folks were really losing their minds regarding the coronavirus scare. I sorta get it. It’s a scary time when U.S.-reported numbers have shot up from 647 total cases to 3,487 cases in less than a week. I’m none too thrilled about being around crowds of people and have readjusted several meetings and former election duties to stay at home, ordering online and getting door drop-offs, too. But at what point are we going to admit that we don’t need to stockpile our homes like we’re all running hotels?
You all are doing weird things like exercising with toilet tissue rolls or calling the police when you run out of tissue, and it’s concerning.
I go into dollar discount stores, and napkins, paper towels and toilet tissue are completely wiped off the shelves. I go into retail discount stores, and feel like I’m watching the Super Bowl. I haven’t seen this level of panic since Y2K. But I get it. It’s weird to be at home this much if you don’t already work from home. Your kids are running around like maniacs because there’s no school. (As someone who is childless by choice, I empathize.) You’re trying to check off your work to-do list, but your loved ones are drilling you with trivial questions. (Yikes, been there, too!) And the news is so depressing that you barely want to watch it at all. (I’m a news junkie who writes weekly reports, so I can’t relate there.)
But at some point in the middle of this craziness, can we admit one thing? Toilet paper hoarders have forgotten that they’re already in bathrooms. You all are doing weird things like exercising with toilet tissue rolls or calling the police when you run out of tissue, and it’s concerning.
Not only that. You’ve also become Sandra Bullock in “Bird Box” and are ignoring everything else in your bathroom —the sink, the shower and (I’m guessing) plenty of towels. You don’t have to have Sam’s Club in your closet to be able to practice good hygiene, folks. You’ve got all the essential items right there that you use every single day — hopefully — so stop panicking if you don’t get the last roll of Angel Soft or Charmin or Cottonelle.
Now I will admit that my opinions are biased. Hasan Minhaj — former correspondent for “The Daily Show” and current host of Netflix’s “The Patriot Act” — was the first person to make me wonder why in the world I’ve opted for toilet tissue over bidets. Then I installed an electric bidet. Bad decision. I scared the hell out of myself once I read the instructions, insisting that users unplug it if we go out of town for more than a week or it rains. Who wants to unplug their toilet seats? And what in the world would happen during a thunderstorm? Toilet paper users, I know I’m scaring you right now. But let me continue.
Then the non-electric bidet option ran through my shopping feed a little under a year ago, and I never looked back. I’ll admit that it’s bizarre the first go-round, specifically if you grew up in a culture that doesn’t use bidets. However, if you ever want to walk around feeling like those goofy women who dance in tampon ads and furry bears who wiggle their bottoms, just consider this idea instead of fighting each other for trees! Take off the blindfold and spend that wholesale supply money on a long-lasting appliance you can use after the coronavirus scare is old news. Or, at least use the appliances that are already in your bathroom. I urge you to give it a shot. You too can be the weirdo from the commercials feeling fresh fully clean during these trying times.
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