Reducing Money Conflicts Between Couples
By Jackie Dunagan, LAMFT
One of the most common stressors for couples is money management: 47% of the couples in a recent SunTrust Banks survey reported money was their #1 stressor. As a result, couples often increase their financial risk by sidestepping the topic or having unproductive arguments instead of reducing money conflicts and focusing on their financial goals together.
As a marriage and family therapist, I know that disagreements over finances often has deeper roots and meaning. To most of us, money represents security and stability. Money often represents power within a relationship. (Ever heard of the alternative Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rule!) Money may represent achievement and self-worth. And on top of all of that, many of us experience shame if we identify with any of those meanings of money and we label ourselves with words like materialistic, greedy or selfish.
How We Respond to Money Conflicts
We hide parts of our self that we fear will cause rejected. All too often, that results in avoidance or defensiveness. The shame is destructive and gets in the way of connection. Here are a few common defense lines which are often rooted in shame:
- “I’m working on paying down my debt. I need to do that first and then we can come up with a plan for our future.” The perfection shame trigger is coming into play here. This thinking keeps us isolated. We don’t want others to see how bad it is, because we fear their judgment and rejection. Vulnerability is needed for an open discussion, but it can be an opportunity for the two of you to meet your financial goals together.
- “I’m not as good at managing money as you think I am.” This is shame playing the they’re-going-to-find-you-out track in our head. It keeps us from living a full life and it feels like an emotional prison. Feeling not good enough and being found out is a fear that most of us have in some shape or form. Getting real with your partner on this topic can bring you emotionally closer together, breed acceptance, and create trusting partnership.
- “I know I need to save for retirement, but a financial planner would insist I make major lifestyle changes and I’m not ready to do that.” This is often another “I’m not good enough” track. It’s often driven by a belief that you are not doing it right and that you aren’t sure if you can. Part of any successful plan is making a plan that fits who you are. When we let others see into our world to create a plan with us, sometimes we have options that we never imagined on our own.
Why do we argue so much about money? Often times shame is at the root. (Click To Tweet)
Communication is Key to Reducing Money Conflicts
Have an open conversation with your partner. Here are some tips that might help you and your partner have a productive discussion.
- Recognize from the onset that the topic of money is often very emotional, has deep meanings, and sometimes triggers shame.
- Intentionally stay out of judgment when listening to your partner.
- You do not need to agree with the other perspective to listen to it, but it is important to try to understand.
- Make a list of things that you both agree on. Couples often magnify their differences and tend to ignore their commonalities.
- If you find yourself getting emotionally flooded by the conversation, take a break and do something to clear your mind — take a walk, read a magazine, finish a puzzle. Conversations dissolve into arguments when we get flooded.
As you can see, communication with your partner is crucial. If the two of you have life dreams that you want to make happen and you can’t see how, consider talking with a financial planner who can help you figure out how to make it happen. If you find that the two of you are just not able to have this type of conversation on your own, you may benefit from couple’s or individual counseling. Life is easier when we let others into our world to help us carry the load.
This article originally appeared in the IRC Wealth blog
