I had to postpone my wedding last year: here’s my advice to those doing it now
I feel obliged to begin with the obligatory “I don’t normally post things…” preface, but, it is true. I don’t normally use the internet as a platform to share many things personal, but in this age of “social isolation” I think it is more important than ever to reach out to others in any way we can. It breaks my heart to see so many people having to postpone weddings and special events during such an uncertain time, and I found myself in a uniquely, well, unique situation where I feel I am one of the few people who has lived it in some way and may be able to offer some perspective.
This past fall, my husband and I had to postpone our wedding. I was vocal about the postponement; however, I never shared the story online of why we had to postpone. In light of the current environment, it seems appropriate to share it now.
A little over two weeks prior to our early September 2019 wedding, my father fell and hit his head playing racquetball. We thought nothing of it for a few days, until some rather dramatic symptoms led to a rushed trip to the ER where he made it, quite literally, with minutes left to his life. To spare the details, he suffered a brain bleed, midline shift, and hemorrhage which caused severe damage, but thankfully emergency surgery and an incredible team of doctors saved his life. However, while he was technically alive, there were no assurances of any chance of him coming back as his former self — there had been severe trauma to the brain which caused no real cognitive processing, all short-term memory loss, the inability to speak, and the inability to perform even the most basic functions. With less than two weeks prior to our wedding there was no debate — we had to postpone.
It was the most traumatic and intense eight weeks of our lives involving multiple surgeries, the ICU, and specialized rehab hospitals. But don’t fret too much — the story has a happy ending. He had incredible medical care and, on top of it, truly defied science. I am proud to say my dad miraculously made a full recovery and we had a wedding months later where he walked me down the aisle, danced with me, and made his (lengthy) speech.
Why am I telling you this? Because what the world saw was the shiny, happy ending seen on my social media. It saw the posts with the excitement over a new marriage license, the photos of the day — my dad recovered — and the happy couple. What it didn’t see? The fear, the anger, the tears. It didn’t see the terror that I picked the wrong date — that it would be too soon, that he wouldn’t have recovered enough. It didn’t see the anxiety that people wouldn’t be able to come anymore, that the day would be different or marked, that I would be the bride who’s wedding was postponed and people would watch me with pity instead of joy. It didn’t see the double dose of upset at my wedding being snatched from me combined with the fear of losing my dad as I knew him — destined to a life of caregiver instead of daughter, missing having my dad at my wedding by two weeks.
Right now, if you have had to postpone a wedding (or other similarly significant event), you are in the dark phase before the shiny social media posts. You are in the depths of the fears, anxieties, and unknowns. You are feeling the heartbreak at your day, as you imagined, being taken from you. You are feeling fear at this unknown, traumatic virus that is taking away your reality as you knew it and making those around you sick. You are feeling the fear of the uncontrollable, as I did.
The thing to know, though, is that while the fears are real, they are not prophetic. The scenario I had painted in my head during that phase was a reaction, not a reality. I promise, no matter how it may feel now, that you too will make your way to a shiny, happy ending. This phase of darkness will end and you will have your day with the people you love there to witness your joy. You will wear your outfit, walk down the aisle, and feel the happiness that I had the privilege to feel when I married my husband. You will find a new date and you will get your happy ending.
Know that that fear, that sadness, that anger — it’s okay. It’s part of it. Feel mad, cry, do what you need to do. Let yourself have those moments as they come. But don’t ever mistake that for how you will feel forever. Know that the joy comes back. The day may be different than what you imagined and have moments of sadness or residual grief, but it will not be fully consumed by the pain you felt at the start.
Please take this as my promise from someone who has lived it: it will get better. In fact, your wedding will be all the more joyous and valued for the unexpected path it took to get there. My dad defied all odds to recover to be at our wedding, you will defy this asshole virus too and have a more extraordinary day for it.
I want to leave you with my top tips that helped me during the most difficult times. Maybe it can help you as well. We’re all in this together, even if forced six feet apart. You got this. Trust me.
All my virtual hugs,
Sarah
Sarah’s top five tips for postponing your wedding:
1) Gather your team: You aren’t alone in this. Trying to take on a full postponement and all the details that go with it is too big a task for one person as it is, and combine that with the fact that you are also dealing with the loss of your original date — yikes. If you have a wedding coordinator, let them take the lead. If not, find a great friend or family member that can help you. We had an amazing friend who does events helping us, and she was instrumental in taking some of those calls off of our shoulders. Find that person for you.
For the tasks that you and your fiancé have to take on — tag team. Find what tasks don’t bother you as much and which ones you find triggering and divide them smartly.
Additionally, accept support from your friends and family. One friend sent me a postcard everyday with notes and messages, or even just a simple “yay, you survived today!” which was incredibly bolstering. Friends sent me grubhub gift cards, cookies, sweet notes. Family shared their support and love. I never would have gotten through without my mom, sister, friends, family, and of course, my incredible husband. Let your team lift you up — you don’t have to do all that heavy lifting yourself.
2) Start with the key players when finding a new date: When picking a new date, go far enough into the future that you feel comfortable. Don’t try to push it too soon or that is just adding another level of stress. Remember, no one is going to fault you for having to postpone. It’s not like you read your horoscope and it said you were going to have a bad week so you decided to call it off. It is for something much bigger than you and THEY WILL GET IT. But know also that not every vendor and wedding guest will be available on the new date. Take a deep breath now — it’s okay.
The key is to start with the VIPs. For vendors, you need to start with caterer and venue. Call your caterer first to see what dates they have available. Then cross reference with your venue and find the dates that match. Once you have that, go to your important guests (immediate family, bridal party, etc.) Find the date that the people that MUST be there can all make (or move mountains to make happen for you — they will). Then once you have that, cross reference with the rest of the vendors. Our vendors were amazing and made the new date work, even if they weren’t technically free. We all just did some creative maneuvering to shift times to make it work for everyone — sometimes some rethinking of the original schedule is all it takes. If not, you can find new vendors to help fill in those gaps — there are amazing people out there ready to swoop in and step up.
Then you go from there. You will send out new dates to everyone — some will not be able to make it, and it will be hard. But also some who couldn’t originally come will be able to now. It will balance out.
I would be remiss to not give a special shout out to our vendors who bent over backwards to make it work for us. If you are in the Philly area, check out The Levering Mill Tribute House, Miles Table Catering, Michael Handwerk Photography, Hair Jazz, Dylan Michael Cosmetics, Sing Your Life Karaoke DJ, and the incredible Deb at Madison + Gall Events.
3) Do something on the original date: Sitting at home on the couch feeling sorry for yourself is permissible for about a half hour. Then get up and do something! Watch that favorite movie, sit out on your deck, set up virtual hangouts with your bridal party and family. Order in a special dinner that you and your fiancé love. Find things that bring you joy throughout that day to find the happy instead of focusing on the sad. We had a dinner with some family and a few friends on our original date (I encourage yours to be virtual) where they started a new wedding countdown and we celebrated that new milestone. While it was a super hard day, I also found such joy in the love that surrounded me.
4) Find something unique about the new date that the original one did not have: I had planned a beautiful outdoor sunny ceremony for 5:30pm in early September. In November, 5:30pm promised to be quite cold and dark. Not so much for my outdoor ceremony. So, I reframed: I was going to have a beautiful candlelit indoor ceremony instead. I got really excited and bought string lights and LED votives by the bulk and re-envisioned. It was the first thing that got me excited for my new date.
Find that thing for you — what is unique about your new date that you wouldn’t have had on the original day that gets you excited? Maybe it is as big as changing locations for a ceremony (turn that bummer into an opportunity!), or maybe it is something littler, like adding those sequins into your bouquet that you worried were too much but actually secretly loved because they are fabulous. Maybe it is changing the florals to a different season and picking out new colors and varieties. Maybe you ran out of time to craft that extra “piece de resistance” for the centerpieces. Maybe you make a custom guestbook with your new date (because fun fact, you are going to find that old date EVERYWHERE when you least expect it. I found several on my wedding weekend — it is part of your story and you will learn to laugh about it!). Find something that you are going to do for this date that the old one would not have.
5) Shape your narrative: People will take their cues from you, so shape the narrative you want. If you are gloom and doom, people will view your wedding in that light. Don’t be afraid to share how you feel — this sucks! — but also know that if you share what you are excited about, they will follow suit. For example, I was worried that people would feel pity instead of happy, so our amazing friend designed for us cards with the new date and information to go out in the mail that were whimsical, sweet, and fun — it immediately set the tone for the event and brought everyone on the same page. You get to shape your story — tell the story you want people to remember.
Congratulations and cheers to you. I am so happy for you to get your special day soon — you will have more than earned it.
