Alas! I Am Torn Through Time By Your Celestial Tug of War

A Poem

Timothy O'Neill
Mar 26 · 6 min read
Image by A Owen from Pixabay

I was quite sure that certain people would check out or abandon me
I get it, there is only so much effort you can put into persuading insanity
At first they were gentle and subtle, then they brought out the bulldozer
I guess they thought tough love was the best way to achieve closure

I haven’t taken it well, my life is breaking down all around me
This is deliberate, they’re doing their best to confound me
Dog chasing cats, cats fighting cats, mother in tears, father praying for me
I try to allow it all, witness it and let it be

You’re very precise, how do you know where I’ll be tomorrow but not today?
You see through time, but when you sync up, everything might go gray
You might employ pattern recognition with the infinite info you’ve amassed
You may think cyclically, seeing a future that hasn’t come to pass

To 4D, 3D may seem like reality manifested entirely from higher planes
I noticed that if I ever miss a lesson it will seek me out until I change
Dark and light are similar here, they traffic in plans A through Z
Lost? We’ll take you through five more turns to get you where you ought to be

I told them ripping my body apart wouldn’t work, wouldn’t break me
They have to attack my mind, and rock my reality to wake me
I’ve given my keys over to an experienced driver
I’m dark and dense, and he’s heart and soul, more loving and lighter

They question my trust when I’ve put my life in their hands over and over
You know I have the soul of a poet and the mind of a soldier
I know what I’m capable of, and it’s more than what I produce
It’s more than being a fanatic or some paranoid recluse

I’ve trusted you with the care of my soul, there is no greater responsibility
Now I ask you to trust me and my abilities
I know I’m a broken, autistic, recovering alcoholic who is fat and miserable
Who went out of his way to create a life that was unlivable

I know I have a raging demon inside me, who says I’d be happier if I let go
I know I still tell lies to loved ones for the sake of the show
I know that the weight of my grief is staggering
I know there have been certain parts of my life that are beyond imagining

But you can quite literally break my back and I’ll keep crawling up the stairs
Until the exact moment that I can’t, it will come and I must prepare
I don’t think I’ll be doing this when I’m older, if I last that long
For now it helps my spirit to put my sadness into a song

I can’t be the only person that has felt this way, mistreated and ignored
Disrespected, patronized, humored and infuriatingly bored
I can’t be the only one who wants clear answers instead of cryptic hints
You say you’re benevolent, but I’m not entirely convinced

You told me you were always experimenting, no ideas are harmed
That philosophy did not sit well with me, I was rather alarmed
Do we place ideas over individuals? Traditions over the brilliance of youth?
Why is she lost for decades in the desert when she she is a bringer of truth?

I know that I am paying penance for crimes I can’t recall perpetrating
I’ve sinned against gods and men and the soil of Mother Earth is waiting
I’m tired, so tired and afraid, I don’t think I’ll ever make another friend
This is what you sacrifice when you make the decision to descend

Does anyone else know what it’s like look down the barrel of eternity
Does anyone else know how to conquer uncertainty?
Must I radically accept that I am living in someone else’s dream?
When I say I’m existentially exhausted, do you know what I mean?

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, it wasn’t meant to be black or white
It was supposed to be harmony and balance during my soul’s dark night
But the dark doesn’t want to let me go, they call me a rat and a traitor
I’ve been brave in the past, now I have to be braver

I have friends in the light who guide and protect me whenever they can
But they can’t stand in the way of karma, or in the way of me becoming a man
There are bitter battles being fought, and I’m caught right in the middle
At the same time I’m in cosmic court, praying for my acquittal

These are the days I miss smoking, it was a joyful release, sun and fresh air
Now I’m not leaving the house unless my system needs to be repaired
It was too much for one lifetime, wasn’t it? We should have gone more slowly
You picked me for a reason, but sometimes it feels like you don’t know me

A secret source? How would that even work? Please enlighten me
I felt like it was a deliberate false allegation meant to frighten me
My secret source is as real as my big red button
The first was imagination and guesswork, the second was absolutely nothing

Why are you rooting for me to fail? Just because you want to be right?
I’ve proven I’m strong, courageous, intelligent, unflappable and contrite
I make words dance, you’ve never heard a dark life articulated so well
This is what happens when you send poets to hell

But I’m not wasting another word on you, you won’t come round
This could be the day that my whole life comes crashing down
My mother asked me what was wrong, I said, in sincerity, everything hurts
They’ve hitting me to hit the demon, that’s just how it works

I’ve been programmed to implode when I’m on the verge of a breakthrough
I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to snort heroin, we’ll have to make you
I’ve been programmed to shy away from likeminded people
I’ve been programmed to have a romantic attachment to evil

I’ve been programmed for violence, for drugs, and for a lack of self esteem
I’ve been programmed for toxic masculinity, shame, dependency on a dream
I’ve been programmed for arrogance and selfishness, for cunning and deceit
I’ve been programmed to think I was special, one of the elites

There is much work to be done to reprogram and decondition
I just hope that someone would lend their ear and listen
Some of your troubling mental or behavioral habits aren’t wholly yours
They come from the darkness that refuses to be ignored

When you have ruminating negative thoughts you may be playing out a script
Of if you hear yourself saying similar lines, reality has given you a gift
It has shown you you are executing programs, not speaking from the heart
The negative ego is a beast and we need to methodically take it apart

My depression and my fear are mastering me in this moment
I can’t help but think of the blowback from my opponents
But not really, that’s not what makes me afraid
It’s everything winking out when I’m tossed in my grave

I’m afraid that time is pushing inexorably forward and we can’t go back
I’m afraid that I’m being pushed out of the house in which I’m trapped
I’m afraid of my parents dying without seeing me stable
I’m going to work hard, I’m going to do as much as I am able

Yesterday I threw a fit when my guides warned me the dark wanted my soul
I grabbed my chest, pulled out my heart, stomped on it and said I’ll never fold
So here, have the damn thing, come and get it, you want it, come find me
I felt the moans and groans of the angels hovering right behind me

I’m too much for myself, what happened to just feeling safe and secure?
Who wants to live amidst a celestial war?
The dark pulls to death and slavery, the light towards obedience and freedom
It comes down to power and whether or not light is light and I believe them

The struggle is tearing me to pieces, I often can’t tell who is who
Sometimes I have to push random buttons just to see what they do
My eyes are closing on me, it’s been an unhappy day
I wish you all well, and encourage you to raise above the fray

Weeds & Wildflowers

Stories of Dennett (Wildflower) & Ben (Weed) & Our Guests

Timothy O'Neill

Written by

Storyteller. Poet. Recovering alcoholic. Mental health advocate. Dog lover. It’s time to wake up.

Weeds & Wildflowers

Stories of Dennett (Wildflower) & Ben (Weed) & Our Guests

Timothy O'Neill

Written by

Storyteller. Poet. Recovering alcoholic. Mental health advocate. Dog lover. It’s time to wake up.

Weeds & Wildflowers

Stories of Dennett (Wildflower) & Ben (Weed) & Our Guests

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