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First Lap
Dealing with death
Monday, May 19th, was the one-year anniversary of Ben’s death. My daughter came a few days earlier, without her family, to be with me on that emotional day and the tough days leading up to it. I’m very grateful for her visit.
On Monday, I felt like I had completed one lap of a never-ending race. A race with no finish line, no trophies, no victories. I will run this race until I take my last breath, and I’ve only finished one lap. I will exhaust myself in a race I will never win.
I’ve read and heard that the second year after the death of a loved one, particularly a spouse/partner, is worse than the first year. How is that even possible? How can the upcoming year be worse than what I’ve already endured? What would be the point of moving forward if nothing improves? Why take another breath if the future is worse than the already horrible past?
I hope I’ve done enough grief work that the future months must be better than the previous twelve. Not good, but slightly better. I’ll take slightly better. A little less devastating. A little less depressing. A little less lonely.
Speaking of loneliness, one of the unintended effects of my daughter’s visit is that I felt lonelier than ever when she left. Her visit was a rose; her leaving was a nasty thorn. The house echoes in silence.
And so I begin Lap Two of a race I never wanted to run.
We’ll see what lies ahead. . .
© 2025
