How to roast a vegetized presidential candidate

By Alexasha

What algorithm decided this ad fits my demographic?

I am a citizen of high standing.

Why generic?

I will never look at soap or donuts the same way again.

What a gimmick. A gimmick, folks. Why not make soap that’s molded to your body so you just step into the mold, it adheres to your skin, then water gushes through little holes in the soap for an initial cleanse, and finally the soap’s rinsed away and the water coats you, washes away any thoughts I don’t like you to have.

A waste of soap? One may as well step into a car wash.


Efficient use of water. Glue a shower head to every gleaming china tile.

This is how one orange vegetable prefers to rejuvenate its dying stem cells. This is why sometimes it resembles a burbling goldfish, its mouth-noises warped by a film of water. What a shame. A shame, for it is good fun to roast vegetables, but not when the vegetables turn into fish. I tell you, I do not eat fish. I tell you; maybe it’s true, maybe not. Who cares?

When I roast vegetables I burn them but leave them undercooked on the inside. This orange vegetable — perhaps an overgrown carrot — will take a while to roast properly, as its matter is dense. It is high in cellulose; little can pass through the Wall that protects its helmet, and, spaghetti forbid, cause it to question the course of its decision-making. That is not for plants to do. Not this plant, anyway.

The Wall has the additional benefit of shielding the vegetable from nuclear particles. It instead deflects nuclear particles toward other plants, causing them to shrivel into skins. The vegetable consumes the skins, never realizing any nutritive value has already leached into the soil. Thus the vegetable remains undernourished, yet maintains its physical energy needs.

At night it scours the earth for human bodies to make up for lost nutrients.

The high material density of this vegetable — coupled by its size — may explain why it is such an attractive body, attracting other bodies seemingly by virtue of its existence. Maybe by virtue of gravity. But the vegetable is gravity.


Perhaps microwaving the orange vegetable would be preferable to roasting. It would get mushy, and you could sell it to babies. The vegetable would be so easily digestible then. Lip-smackin’ good. Until the diarrhea comes.