So you’re cohabiting with a unicorn: a guide

So you’re cohabiting with a unicorn. Congratulations! Unicorns are notoriously picky creatures so if you’ve been chosen by one, you must be doing something right. But this is no time to rest on your laurels! Living with a unicorn can be a truly magical experience — literally, they’re magical creatures — but only if you follow a few simple guidelines. Do this, and you can expect a lifetime of incredible companionship with only light goring. So what say we get cracking?

WARNING! Are you sure you have a unicorn?

Before proceeding follow our handy checklist to ensure your unicorn isn’t a unicrock:

1. Has your unicorn’s horn fallen off? This is a horse.

2. Does your unicorn have an inflatable horn, stand on two feet and wear gold hotpants? This is a human you picked up at a rave. Drink lots of water and lie down quietly for a few hours.

3. Is your unicorn rubbery and smells of mackerel? This is a narwhal.

4. Is your unicorn pink and so shy it’s taken to hiding everything but its horn behind the wall of a public bathroom stall? This is a glory hole. Keep walking.

5. Is your unicorn black and white, has short legs with long claws and has a buttery, flaky horn? Someone has taped a croissant to a badger’s forehead. Untape the pastry carefully and be on your way.

If you answered ‘no’ to all of these questions — great news, the creature before you is a bona fide unicorn.

The Rules

1. Don’t fuck it up

This may seem obvious, but unicorns don’t just choose anyone. So whoever you are the moment a unicorn moves in is all you ever need to be. What with all the attendant glitter, rainbows, steaming fetlocks and beautifully conditioned manes, it’s easy to feel that you are NOT WORTHY. Not so. So don’t suddenly put on airs and graces; don’t change your brand of hay; don’t start walking around your condo in a self-consciously dressagey way. Above all, unicorns value integrity and hate fakery.

2. No consent? No saddle

Some unicorns hate saddles. Some quite enjoy them. Some really like saddles when they like saddles but hate them when they don’t. Some may show interest in a saddle/riding experience but, after you’ve spent hundreds of dollars on a gorgeous saddle, may decide they’re not into it after all. This may be frustrating but never, ever, attempt to put a saddle on a unicorn that doesn’t want one. If in doubt, ask, and respect the answer.

3. Watch out for the horn

Despite what you may have read, a unicorn’s horn is not a purely decorative object. Careful consensual horn waxing is appreciated every six months or so, as is draping with ribbons and baubles on holidays. However, using the horn for coits, marshmallows and shish kebabs is flat out wrong and will make your unicorn cranky and liable to show you what its horn is actually for.

4. Lighten up for chrissakes

You live with frigging unicorn. Smile.

5. Get used to glitter

Unicorns fart glitter, a lot, so get used to it — in your hair, breakfast cereal, dusting you when you wake, in drifts on your floor. Everywhere, basically. Being magical creatures, unicorn fart glitter is 100% sterile and actually smells like cherry scented erasers and box-fresh Kenner AT-AT Driver figurines from 1980. But while hygiene is not something to worry about, do be careful not to stand directly behind your unicorn when it raises its rainbow coloured tail. Glitter fart blasts have been known to give unsuspecting house mates whiplash.

6. Don’t feed your unicorn after midnight

Don’t be silly, they won’t turn into monsters, but it does give them acid reflux and makes for a very sluggish unicorn the following day.

7. Remember: a unicorn isn’t actually yours

At the end of the day, unicorns belong to unicorns. This utter freedom is what makes unicorns so special. So enjoy ‘yours’ as long as you have her/him in your life. Learn to cavort together. Try some shenanigans. Indulge in some tomfoolery and get some japes in. Stay up all night applying layers of shellac to your hooves and talking about what jerks Centaurs are. Plait each other’s manes and laugh yourselves silly about how preposterous organised religion is. Try a nose bag. Give each other noogies and eat glittery Smores by the light of the full moon. Gallop until your lungs burn. Solve math problems with hoof taps. Throw sugar lumps into each other’s mouths over a rainbow. Get your fill of cantering and whinnying — you’ll miss it when it’s gone. In short, enjoy your brush with magic. Unicorns love that shit.