Why You Should Never Annoy A Penguin
and what happens if you do
Imagine a birthday party. One you don’t really feel like going to, but it’s your wife’s best friend’s friend and you didn’t go to the neighbours thing either aaaand it’d be good for you to meet some… ok fine.
Once there, she immediately disappears in a cloud of chatter, you have a quick glance at the other guys — corduroy pants, boat shoes, hair product users— and decide your best survival strategy will involve a bottle and a silent corner.
All seems fine until two of your wife’s best friend’s friend’s friends (?) break away from the cloud and waddle towards the corner formerly known as yours.
Hey is’nt that (…)’s husband
Oh Hi, sooo nice to finally meet you
Can I just say I absolutely love the way you guys walk, sooo adorable
Happy Feet was such a funny movie!
LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DRINK MY WHISKEY.
Now this is probably hard for you to imagine.
Of course it is.
You are not an overromanticized, little understood non-flying bird.
The most ridicilous part of it being we somehow would all be ‘cute and fluffy’.
This is what happened to our human 'helpers' after an oil spill:
Sure. It’s decent enough of you to remove the disgusting black smear which your fellow humans were responsible for in the first place.
But don’t go bragging about it on social media and TED-talks.
Now imagine what happens when you really piss us of.
(and for that we only need to have a quick look at human-penguin history..)
‘Fat and clueless bird’ — Vasco Da Gama
All was fine for thousands of years.
Humans never struck us as the most intelligent of beings, but at least the ones living in the Southern Hemisphere didn’t do much wrong either.
Then the drunk religious fanatics arrived.
They were on a ‘holy mission’ to steal spicy food from the other side of the world while forgetting to bring any vegetables on board.
An esteemed African penguin biologist tried to warn them.
“Uhum, excuse me.”
“Excuse me, sirs.”
“Whilst it is true that some of the more advanced animals can survive on a refined diet of fish only, I would respectfully recommend you, dear gentlemen, to..”
But the scurvy barbarians never really listened.
“Fat bird! Fat bird!”
“Grab him João”
“Look at those wings, he can’t even fly..”
The biologist watched in utter disbelief as the toothless human beings waddled towards him. Did they really have no manners? With a graceful backflip the esteemed bird of science returned to the ocean.
Captain Da Gama later wrote in his diary how the ‘fat and flightless bird’ had stood ‘clueless’ on deck for minutes but unfortunately just managed to escape for what otherwise had surely been a tasty meal.
It was the last trip he ever made.
‘I am the ONLY empereur’ — Napoleon Bonaparte
There have been many like Vasco. Here’s another classic.
As most intelligent animals know, emperor penguins take a well deserved holiday after the breeding season is over.
Some go partying in Brazil. Others prefer a more soothing atmosphere such as the Southern Atlantic island of Saint Helena has to offer.
All was fine until the summer of 1815.
“I am the EMPEREUR OF FRANCE”
On a normally quiet beach a fat little man appeared. A couple of penguin families had just returned from their lunch break and were now lazily huddling together on the rocky surface. They tried to ignore the shouting.
“BOW FOR ME, little birds, I AM THE GREAT EMPEREUR”
Seriously, what was this guy’s problem? One of the elder emperor penguins — one who had dealt with humans before — threw a couple of leftover fish to the tiny man. It might be what he was after.
“I will accept your humble tribute.”
“Now, tell me your names, little birds”
While actually hoping for a quiet afternoon nap, the elder penguin took his time and explained the man more about their kind and their purpose of visting Saint-Helena. He also dropped some hints of how they especially liked the calming atmosphere of the beaches on the island.
But the fat little man never really listened.
“EMPEROR birds?
There is no such thing
I am the ONLY EMPEREUR
THE ONLY..”
This amount of shouting was too much — even for a human. Not long after all of the penguin families disappeared from the rocky beach.
Now if the tiny man had just left it to that day, but he kept on harassing penguin after penguin, shouting about his greatness, and the travel agency — run by a slightly more intelligent breed of humans (English) — realised they had to do something in order to avoid losing valuable customers.
The ONLY EMPEREUR soon started feeling a little pain in his stomach..
‘I don’t know how not to be adorable’ — Justin Bieber
And the list goes on.
Here’s a human kid trying to be cool while using penguin appropriation.
Sure, go ahead.
Use our culture. Use our image.
Not that I really care.
But it’d be fun to let some Social Justice Birds know.
Finally believe me?
You know what to do next birthday party.
