My Dead Parents Won’t Leave Me Alone
How to live with ghosts
My mom died on Christmas Day 2018.
My dad died in May of 2019.
But lately, they’re everywhere.
Today I saw my mom in my oldest daughter’s face when she laughed.
When that hard-working drive-thru employee asked me if it was okay if the freeze we ordered was only three-quarters full, and I asked if it was okay if we only paid three-quarters of the price, I heard my dad.
It was the only time in my life I’d ever seen her create something like that. I’d never even seen her draw before.
Everyone loved it. Mom was proud of it. But she never drew or painted anything ever again.
I begin working on an experimental panel with colors I’ve never used together before, and I hear Mom and Dad trying to convince 10-year old me to paint my room blue and brown.
I refused to go along. I couldn't imagine that those two colors could ever look good together. My walls never did get painted.
I see Mom in my 14-year old and my 10-year old when they gracefully move around the house, practicing their dance routines. Mom was a dancer before she had kids. When she thought nobody was watching, she would sashay while cleaning the house.
It’s impossible to sit down and watch a basketball game with my 16-year old and my 12-year old without seeing my dad there.
Watching basketball together is one of the few memories I have of Dad that isn’t tainted by what he did later.
I didn’t even go to their funerals.
But now I see, hear, and feel them everywhere.
I don’t miss the people my parents were when they died.
But, inside of me is a little boy who is scared to death of everything. He misses his mom and dad. He wants them to comfort him.
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