Rebecca Langley Jensen
Writing is like creating a tutorial for my own mind
Medium, I have something to tell you, and I’m mainly doing it to remind myself. I’m not here to earn money. I’m not here to promote myself. Lastly, I’m not here to prove to myself and the world that I am a writer.
Then why am I here? Well, I’m not fully sure, and I kind of like it. Going on Medium, not fully knowing what I hope or expect from those little green notifications that pop up each day, yet being pleasantly surprised every time I open them, feels good for a change. I feel grateful to those who appreciate my work (meaning two pieces thus far, but nevertheless) and not hurt by those who don’t. I haven’t felt this way about likes since — well, ever.
I guess what I’m getting at is that it feels good to share something of myself without expecting a reward other than “damn, that felt good to put out there.” At the same time, people's stories and generosity are quite a joy to follow, so I’m here to stay.
Putting words to paper always made me feel genuine towards myself. As the shy kid I was at the beginning of my school years, it was simply hard to express myself out loud, but something about that ink hitting those blank pages illuminated my inner world. And in that world, I could express myself without pre-judgment. I was just there.
I was later diagnosed with performance anxiety and a Quiet Borderline disorder, so being scared of facing people’s judgment from such a young age finally made sense. In my stories, however, my personality could come through.
I quickly became the kid who the teacher claimed could become a writer someday, who wrote ten pages for class, though only assigned two. Knowing when to stop? Yeah, still working on that. That, of course, also meant that writing became a source to strive for perfection instead of learning, and also my sole identity. So when my teacher during 5th and 6th grade started to give me mediocre or straight-up terrible marks in class for my writing, I consciously told myself that I had lost my spark and became - dare I say it? Insecure.
The love for storytelling proceeded to exist within me, though, but going down the writer's path seemed frightening. So, I propelled myself to find joy in acting. Acting was another outlet to express what was hidden within, and I allowed myself to dream BIG. So big that I moved to the US for two years after high school to pursue my dream. Coming from Denmark, a country notoriously known for people holding themselves back in everything, and I do mean everything, the US was refreshing. No limits, no fitting in, just being. Once again, I found solace in my creativity.
Coming back to Denmark after those two years was challenging. It’s been eight years since I returned, and I still struggle to make ends meet as an actor. I’ve struggled with all the same insecurities, to name a few, and, of course, questioned if this was the right path for me. But honestly though, path, what is a path in life?
Figuratively speaking, when you go down a path, you have to change direction at some point or even stop. I don’t understand why we walk down our so-called paths, live our relationships, or even see our dreams as a one-way street. And so now, I’m walking. Just walking. I still don’t fully know when to stop, but at least I keep moving forward because I haven’t gotten any stop signs yet. And when I do, it’s probably just time for some introspection before I decide where to go next.
So, with not too much money in my pocket and with no clear future prospects, I’ve returned to writing? Because surely that’s so much more sustainable? But for me, it is, actually. Going through my darkest periods, I found those blank pages once again became the only place I could stay true to myself. No teachers judging, no casting director never responding, and certainly no self-blaming. Just being, once again. Writing my thoughts down in the form of a play, film, or just in a diary made me understand myself, and I got to know myself again. I was literally writing a tutorial to my own mind, and I found it fun, exciting, and liberating.
I’ve spent most of my life and acting career trying to be who I think people want me to be, to be ideal, but I’m here to tell you (or write to you) I got my own damn mind to do that!
