welcometomytrauma
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welcometomytrauma

True Life: My Ex Pictured Other People When He Slept With Me

“It’s not cheating if you don’t do it for real,” he told me.

I hate sex.

I really can’t remember any great or pleasurable experiences that I’ve had.

Every now and then, a sexual trauma resurfaces, and one that sticks out in my mind was when my ex casually blurted that he pictured other people while having sex with me. I asked him why we always did the same position (doggy style) and that was his response.

So basically, he was using my body to masturbate.

I asked him who he was picturing. He told me porn stars, friends, people he used to “talk to.”

Like… WTF?!

I guess that would explain the lack of foreplay and how he never made me cum. He didn’t even care to try. Only gave me head twice, and it was horrible both times. But always wanted to stick his dick in my mouth. Just selfish as fuck.

And we never did anything where he would look me in the eyes because I guess it would’ve ruined the fantasy.

I just couldn’t believe it.

I was a sex toy. Nothing more than a sex toy.

Can you imagine?

And the fact that he tried to justify it by saying, “it’s not cheating if you don’t do it for real.” Like… WTF?! It’s almost the same thing, though. He didn’t actually want to have sex with me. He wanted to have sex with them.

What was he trying to say?

Was I not attractive? Or was he just not into me?

At that point, I knew that he wasn’t exactly having sex with me. I was a prop. It wasn’t a shared activity. But I guess I should’ve already knew that because I was always gravely unsatisfied.

Sex seemed like a chore for a long time.

Now I knew why.

At that point, I started refusing to sleep with him. He would throw tantrums, guilt trip me — all but force himself on me. He even tried to kick me out once because I said “no.”

I’m glad to be out of that relationship, and I’m glad I learned my worth since then. It was a very abusive relationship. Physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, psychologically, sexually, and even spiritually.

What’s worse is that his parents joined in on his abuse, but I’ll write about that in another post.

I wish I could say that I’ve had good experiences since this relationship ended, but no. If anything, it opened my eyes to just how selfish “men” are in the bedroom and I don’t think I’ll ever share my body with anyone else again. They all act the same and treat my body the same as my ex did, if not worse. It’s not even worth it.

I’ll just stick to my dildo. And that’s assuming I ever get aroused again because at this point, I’m asexual.

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Raena McQueen

Raena McQueen

If you know me, you don’t need my bio.