What It’s Like to Go After Your Dreams and Then Wonder If You Really Want Them

I auditioned for and got into the Second City Conservatory, which is kind of like grad school for improvisers.

The Second City is where some famous actors came out of, like Tina Fey and Stephen Colbert. Thousands more not famous actors have also come out of The Second City.

I was talking to a guy in my class. I’d been thinking he seemed off in some way, like he didn’t care, or something. He kept forgetting my name.

I tell him that if he doesn’t remember my name by the end of the eight weeks that I’m going to kill him and I describe how I’m going to do it. I do this in a fun way, I think. I’m just joshing. But then I feel bad about it and apologize.

He says it’s okay, and then I ask him to tell me about where he’s from, which is Venezuela. I pull it up on my phone and realize I’d forgotten where Venezuela was.

He shows me the city where he grew up, a small city 30 minutes away from the capital San Cristobal, which is in the mountains. He shows me the house where his parents still live.

And he tells me that his brother was kidnapped for a couple hours two weeks ago, and that now his brother is really scared and doesn’t want to go outside.

He doesn’t seem very close with his family though, so I don’t know if that has do to with anything, but then he looks at me and says, you know, I’m not really here in this class.

I say where are you.

He says, I don’t know. I’m just not here. I don’t feel like playing, like getting up and playing. I came so far to do this and now, I don’t feel like doing it.

I wanted to encourage him but didn’t know how. I told him I would tell him whatever he wanted to hear.

But I know how he feels. This class, and it’s still just the beginning, is lacking for me in some kind of feeling. And I’m like — is this it? Do I want this? If I keep going with this, where will I go?

Derek Sivers said something about how he feels like asking people how they got successful is like asking people for their winning lottery numbers. There are so many paths to success. Is this really the one that I want to take?

It’s scary to chase your dreams. Then, when you are, it’s even scarier to question them.