What Do I Feel When I Act Like a Toxic Person?
And it was one of the most worthwhile and interesting experiences ever!
I used to be someone who would always go along with whatever others wanted, even if I had different thoughts. I’m not exactly sure why I was like that, but I didn’t feel like I could speak up about what I really felt. It made me really uncomfortable.
But then something happened that changed everything.
I went on a trip with a group of close friends. I was sharing a room with two other girls I knew pretty well. The only concern was that we had never actually lived together before. Our relationship was limited to social dining and phone conversations only. Hence, while we were on the trip, there were a bunch of things about their behavior that bugged me, but I did not feel like making a big deal out of it.
In this friendship, sometimes my friend did things that really bothered me, but I usually try not to let it get to me. However, our recent trip was a total game-changer.
Before hitting the sack, I usually do my skincare routine after a long day. But I was bummed out when I discovered that someone had used my personal belongings without asking. I had saved a lot of money to buy popular beauty equipment, FOREO, and I did not want anyone to use my skincare products. I was worried about hygiene and direct contact with my skin.
However, I found that someone secretly opened my personal belongings and used them without my permission. They didn’t even put them back in their place for three nights. I forgave them and accepted their apology despite being angry for a few days after.
Close to the day before I left, they continued to use my things without asking, which pissed me off. I realized that they didn’t respect me. I thought if they didn’t apologize, this behavior would continue. If not them, there are still others who treat me this way. I decided to make a scene about it. They eventually apologized, but they also twisted the story and made me look like a toxic person who is domineering, selfish, and sour.
If it were me the other day, I would have probably cried a lot and tried to reconcile. But I have always been able to speak my mind and defend my opinions. I refuse to be tied down by anyone.
I lived comfortably this way for a long time, but at some point, I changed into someone I didn’t want to be. Initially, I just refused requests I didn’t like, but eventually, this made me intolerant, and I became a conservative person. I worked hard to become a leader in group study sessions, but I often used my position to argue with others and refute their opinions, even if they were right.
At first, I just tried to speak my mind, but later, I started to use hurtful words to win arguments. I would use people’s weaknesses or secrets against them, which was a behavior that I would never have done before.
Initially, I was grateful for any help I received, no matter how small, and I would always try to repay it. Later, I became indifferent to others’ needs and would feel uncomfortable if someone asked for my help.
There were many changes in me that I didn’t like, and I didn’t feel guilty about them. However, I realized that this wasn’t who I truly was. As I matured, I spent more time alone and thought deeply about my behavior. I noticed that my relationships had become distant, and people were cold towards me.
I discovered that I needed to balance my personality. I still behave kindly, but I also learned to distinguish right from wrong better than before. I won’t forgive easily, but I won’t be mean to others either because of negative emotions.
