When Envy Takes Hold — 5 Ways to Harness It
Envy can serve as a motivating force to accomplish your goals, but if left unchecked, it can wreak havoc on your happiness and inhibit your potential.
The green-eyed monster. It lives in all of us. Some are better at taming the beast, while others are overpowered by the intense emotion it can evoke. Envy can serve as a motivating force to accomplish your goals; however, if left unchecked, envy can wreak havoc on your happiness and inhibit your potential.
What is Envy?
The words envy and jealousy are often used interchangeably. However, envy is quite different from jealousy. According to Psychology Today, envy is related to feelings of lack, whereas jealousy is related to a fear of loss.
So, if you’re feeling a bit crabby after hearing about your friend’s instant success with her new business venture (meanwhile, you’ve been working on yours for years) — that’s envy.
If you feel heated because your significant other has formed a close friendship with his female colleague — that’s jealousy.
Feelings of envy served a purpose back in the cave days. Within the context of evolutionary psychology, envy is an emotion that evolved to help ensure the survival of the human species. We feel envy when someone else has something that we want or lack and that’s perceived to be limited in availability. Thus, we are motivated to attain whatever it is we lack in order to survive.
If you’d like to read a bit more about the psychology behind envy, check out this great article on Bustle.
Envy can serve as a motivating force — when it’s kept in check. However, focusing all your energy and thoughts on the accomplishments or possessions of others won’t bring you closer to reaching your own goals. In fact, it will deter you from them.
If you’re feeling envious of what others in your life have accomplished, consider these five points.
1. Keep the Focus on You
When I first started doing yoga, I was envious of the more experienced yogis who seemed to be flexible contortionists with the balance of tightrope walkers. I’d be standing in a wobbling tree pose, while the woman in front of me looked more balanced on one foot than I did on two.
Every time I attended class, I felt inferior and wondered if I should just roll up my yoga mat, go get a latte and call it day.
Then I came across an article that discussed how intimidating yoga can be for those new to the practice. The author implored newbies to “keep your eyes on your own mat.” In other words, stop staring at the bendable Barbie next to you, and turn your focus within. I think this statement also applies to life in general.
Now, whenever I feel a pang of envy upon hearing about a friend’s accomplishment, I remind myself to keep my eyes on my own mat.
The more attention I put toward feeling envious of someone else, the less energy I have to put toward accomplishing my own goals.
The fifteen minutes you spend ruminating could be fifteen minutes you spend on writing your novel or pitching a client or whatever goal you want to accomplish. It’s that simple.
The takeaway: Your time is valuable! Don’t waste it comparing yourself to others.
2. Acknowledge Your Accomplishments and Be Grateful
It’s easy to let someone else’s news of a big promotion or extravagant trip to Italy overshadow all that’s positive in your life.
When you’re feeling envious, it helps to consciously take stock of your assets and accomplishments. This will remind you that there have been times when you were the one with the exciting news to share.
So, pull out a notebook and a pen (or open your laptop to a new document) and start listing everything you’ve achieved over the last five or ten years — both big and small. Don’t forget to include the everyday tasks you achieve as well.
For example, not many people can juggle family, work, social obligations quite as well as you can— that takes some serious organizational and time management skills. If you suffer from an illness that’s debilitating and still manage to get through the day — that takes a lot of strength. Each person has a unique set of strengths and skills that others may lack. Acknowledge and celebrate your assets.
Once you’re done listing all that you have achieved, make a list of all the things you’re actively working toward right now. While you may not have attained these goals just yet, the time and energy you put toward them is an accomplishment in itself. It should be recognized and celebrated.
Finally, look at these two lists and be grateful for all the wealth that exists in your life. By now, we’ve all heard about the benefits that gratitude has on well-being. In fact, gratitude has been shown to act as a natural anti-depressant.
Taking time to acknowledge your accomplishments and the abundance in your life will counteract the feelings of envy and lack that may come up from time to time.
The takeaway: Acknowledging accomplishments and the abundance in your life will boost positive feelings.
3. Dig Deeper
Sometimes you can feel envious and not really know why — or be wrong about the why. Digging deep and examining why it is you feel envious can help you gain insight into your own desires.
For example, let’s say your friend just spent the last month hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. You’re not much of a hiker yourself, but you feel a touch of envy as he describes his days and nights on the trail.
Think about what hiking the PCT entails: adventure, risk, endurance. Perhaps you’re missing this in your life. You may not have realized you wanted more adventure until your friend mentioned his hiking trip. These feelings might indicate that you need some adventure or another form of challenge in your life.
Or, let’s say your friend tells you she was laid off from her job. You feel sad and worried for her and, strangely, a little envious. This seems odd because you know you don’t want the stress of being out of work. It could be that you envy her newfound freedom and opportunity to try something new. This could be your subconscious sending you a signal that it’s time for a career change.
Tuning in when you experience feelings of envy and examining the deeper meaning of these feelings can be beneficial to you. The feelings are there for a reason, and they can be an opportunity for you to uncover parts of yourself that are calling for your attention.
The takeaway: If feelings of envy seem to come out of nowhere or don’t make sense, take time to explore their deeper meaning.
4. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
Yes, in some cases people hit a streak of luck or accomplish things that are worthy of envy. However, sometimes what you perceive of others isn’t always accurate — in fact, it can be far from it.
What may seem like a happy marriage may be one rife with arguments and betrayal. The colleague who landed the big promotion may end up overworked, miserable, and yearning for her old job. The friend with the McMansion and Mercedes may be on the verge of bankruptcy.
I’ve witnessed each of these examples firsthand. The married couple I admired for years filed for divorce. My good friend who landed her dream job became so stressed by it she turned physically ill and had to quit. My “rich” friend secretly struggled to pay the electric bill and eventually filed for bankruptcy.
Each case entirely shocked me. I hadn’t known the extent of their problems. It’s funny how people are open books when it comes to all that’s good in their lives, but tight-lipped about their struggles. Each of these instances reinforced the notion that you never really know what happens behind closed doors. I used to yearn for that marriage, that prestigious job, and that gorgeous house. Now, I’m grateful for what I have because, at the very least, I know the truth of my life.
I still have desires and make wishes — just not for what others have.
The Takeaway: Keep in mind that no one has a perfect life. At least with your life, you know the whole story.
5. Remember this … There’s Plenty to Go Around
This goes back to the evolution of envy and the idea of limited availability. As I mentioned earlier, we tend to feel envy when someone else has something that we want and that’s perceived to be limited in availability. Thus, envy can motivate us to attain whatever it is we lack in order to survive.
However, having a “scarcity mindset” can do more damage than good. A person with a scarcity mindset believes there are limited resources in the world — like success, love, money, and opportunity — and everyone must fight for their share.
The flip-side of a scarcity mindset is an “abundance mindset.” As you can guess, someone with this mindset believes there are plenty of resources to go around. Another’s happiness doesn’t mean there is less happiness available for the taking.
It’s a myth that there is a limited amount of luck and opportunity in the world that’s only available to a select few. Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates haven’t used up the universe’s allotment of success and good ideas. And just because someone else is already doing it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a go if it’s something you really want.
Having an abundance mindset will open more doors for you than a mindset of scarcity and limitation. So, if your friend hits the lottery, just make sure you buy a ticket for the next drawing.
The Takeaway: Have no fear … There is more than enough happiness and success to go around — but you have to be in it to win it!
