Giving Difficult Feedback: Strategies and Techniques
Navigating the complex terrain of providing constructive feedback is an art that goes beyond mere professional interaction — it’s a skill that significantly influences personal and career development. Mastering the ability to deliver feedback effectively is essential in fostering growth, both in the business sphere and on a personal level. These tough conversations offer an opportunity to understand why they’re pivotal, prepare adequately, and manage the emotions that can arise in such dialogues. By delving into the significance of these discussions, the art of preparation, and the management of emotions, individuals can acquire essential tools for success in their professional and personal lives.
Geoff Newman
Founder of Starget
Providing effective feedback is an essential skill in your professional and
personal life. These tough conversations are critical for several reasons,
including fostering transparency, building trust, and facilitating
individual and organisational growth.
Before going into such conversations, clarifying your objective and
gathering relevant data or examples to support your points is important.
The choice of timing and setting is equally crucial, aiming for a neutral
space where both parties can focus on the discussion.
When you deliver the feedback, I was taught by a medical doctor that it is
best to be direct yet tactful, leading with the key message and avoiding
overloading the other person with too much information at once. This
approach is particularly helpful when emotions run high, making it
difficult for the person receiving feedback to process detailed
information.
Show empathy, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and clearly outline
the next steps for improvement. If strong emotions do come into play,
provide space for the individual to absorb the feedback and be open to
answering any follow-up questions they may have at a later time.
Overall, the aim is not just to convey a message but to pave the way for
constructive growth and change.
Dr. Ryan Sultan
Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Columbia University
https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/profile/ryan-s-sultan-md
Drawing from my extensive research and professional background, I’d like to offer my insights on the art of giving feedback. Providing constructive feedback is an invaluable skill that can shape both professional trajectories and personal relationships. Yet, it’s a skill that many grapple with, largely because of the emotions and potential conflicts involved.
Feedback, while sometimes seen as a mere tool for improvement, holds much deeper significance. It’s a channel for open communication, fostering understanding and growth. Unfortunately, not all feedback serves this purpose. Ill-delivered feedback can result in defensiveness, resentment, and even workplace discord. To ensure your feedback yields positive outcomes, understanding its nuances is crucial.
First and foremost, the intent matters. Before offering feedback, introspect on your motives. Are you genuinely aiming to help the individual grow, or is there an underlying agenda? Honest self-reflection sets the tone for the conversation. I recall a situation with a colleague, James, who had the habit of being verbose in meetings. Instead of accusing him of wasting time, I approached him with genuine concern about his need to over-clarify, which we then addressed together.
Preparing for the feedback session is as important as the feedback itself. Plan your thoughts, ensuring you separate the person from the behavior. I’ve noticed you’ve been coming in late is more effective than You’re always late. By focusing on observable behaviors, you reduce defensiveness.
Handling emotions is another pivotal aspect of giving feedback. Emotions will arise, both in you and the recipient. It’s essential to create a safe space where the recipient feels seen and heard. If they become defensive, acknowledge their feelings without becoming defensive yourself. For instance, I understand this might be tough to hear, but my intent is to help us work better together.
Feedback should be a dialogue, not a monologue. Allow room for the recipient to share their perspective. Often, there’s valuable information in their side of the story, nuances you might have overlooked. Ending the conversation on a positive note, with actionable steps, ensures the feedback is constructive.
Giving feedback is more than just pointing out flaws. It’s about fostering growth, understanding, and collaboration. While tough conversations are never easy, they’re vital for personal and professional development. By approaching feedback with empathy, preparation, and open-mindedness, you can transform it into a powerful tool for positive change.
Tina Grant
Quality Assessor at Aerospheres
Imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes. That’s one of the best pieces of advice that you should keep in mind. When you get a better picture of things from their perspective, it’s easier to formulate the way you’re going to give feedback. However, that doesn’t mean you should sugarcoat things. The truth is, constructive criticism is really important when it comes to personal growth. Telling someone they’re doing an exceptional job when they’re actually screwin up is going to backfire on you. Another tip that I’d like to give — don’t delay. I’ve found that trying to delay the “giving feedback” part just makes it harder on yourself and the other person.
Troy Portillo
Director of Operations of Studypool
It’s never fun to have to give difficult feedback. Some experts will advise
you to sandwich the difficult feedback in between positive feedback, but in
my opinion, this negates the positive feedback for most people and doesn’t
really soften the blow. You’re going to have to have difficult conversations in your life. There’s no getting around that. Start off the conversation by telling the person that it’s going to be a difficult conversation, but that you’re committed to helping them find solutions on how to correct the situation. Make the conversation more about how they can move forward from whatever mistake they made instead of focusing on the mistake itself and it’ll go over much better.
Andy Kalmon
CEO of Benny
Whenever I have to deliver difficult feedback to a friend or colleague, I
focus on creating distance between the feedback and the person’s identity.
For example, if I have to provide negative feedback about an employee’s
performance, I ensure that none of the language I use constitutes a
criticism of the person’s overall personality. I also make every effort to
stick to facts when offering difficult feedback, since opinions leave more
room for debate.
Andrei Vasilescu
Co-Founder & CEO of DontPayFull
In the realm of challenging discussions we have the chance to cultivate connections that lead to professional growth. These conversations serve as a means to address conflicts, find resolutions and enhance communication. To ensure participation, in challenging conversations it’s important to comprehend their purpose and desired outcomes. Additionally, reflecting on our emotions and biases allows us to approach these discussions with empathy. Planning talking points and anticipating responses can also be helpful. When faced with emotions during conversations it is crucial to remain composed and attentive, prioritizing active listening and understanding the other person’s perspective. Utilizing ‘I’ statements can help express our feelings without resorting to blame or accusation. If emotions become overwhelming at any point taking breaks is recommended as it provides a chance for cooling down. It’s essential to remember that conversation opportunities for growth and comprehension; therefore approaching them with an open mind and respect fosters constructive dialogue leading towards positive outcomes.
Shwetank Dixit
Founder of Voohy.com
Tough conversations are sometimes important because these are conversations where you uncover areas of growth. Finding out about these isn’t always pleasant, and it might appear tough in the moment, but after a while you may look back on it as a very valuable conversation which allowed you to see your blind-spots.
Giving feedback is a skill that most managers don’t have naturally. It’s
only over time that people grow into it. Usually people either are too kind
and don’t approach difficult topics of feedback, or veer to the other side
and just become overly negative. There are various frameworks for giving
feedback like non-violent communication, the COIN model, etc, but essentially, you need to be candid about the things you’re giving feedback on, and you need to make sure that they know that the feedback is coming from a good place.
When receiving feedback, it usually is not pleasant. There is always a choice. You could accept that feedback or not. The temptation to push back is there, but more often than not, it’s better to thank them for their feedback and reflect after a while on the feedback when you are in a cooler state of mind. If there is something you haven’t understood properly,
clarify it when you’re receiving the feedback. The worst thing is if you
receive negative feedback but you’re still confused on certain aspects of
it. So clarify.
Amanda Frudakis-Ruckel
Person to Person Psychotherapy and Counseling Services
https://www.person2persontherapy.com/
Feedback, both given and received, is all about communication expressed not just through words but also gestures and tone. Giving feedback is a skill
that takes practice. It isn’t limited to the workplace, it applies to all
interactions when you are working within a team. A positive, fair, and
balanced approach to giving feedback is most effective and serves the
purpose of enhancing situations and individual performance. Being mindful of our responses, both in body language and tone, is important.
Waiting too long to give feedback can diminish the impact of your feedback. Timely feedback retains its impact, preventing resentment due to delayed responses. Informal and frequent feedback can be more effective than formal periodic feedback.bThink of it like addressing a recent one-hour task gone wrong rather than a year’s worth of mishaps. Offering continued support emphasizes that feedback is an ongoing process not a one-time event. Being approachable, warm, and empathetic in both giving and receiving feedback creates an environment of growth and understanding.
When giving feedback avoid generalizations and exaggerations. Be specific
about the behavior and issue you’re addressing, ensure there’s no room for
misinterpretation. Focus on the firsthand experience rather than the hearsay
Ensure a safe space for open communication. Use I Statements to express
your feelings, making the conversation less accusatory. Feedback should
focus on changeable aspects, words like always and never should be
avoided. Start on a positive note to create a comfortable environment,
emphasizing what was done well. Ending positively is equally important. It
leaves the individual motivated to improve.
Limit the feedback to a couple of key issues. Overwhelming someone with a laundry list of problems can be demoralizing. Allow the individual to share their perspective. Encourage them to actively participate, letting them own the solution. Avoid imposing directives, instead ask open ended questions to involve them in finding resolutions.
Feedback isn’t a one time event, it’s an ongoing process aimed at improvement. Measure the impact of your feedback and be willing to adapt
your approach. Document conversations, noting what works and what needs adjustment.
Hanne Wulp
Communication Wise
https://www.communicationwise.org/
Having difficult conversations is important, because it inherently means that the content is significant for at least one of the conversation partners.. They’re tough, because the opinions differ, the stakes are high, and the emotions might run high. It would be so nice if we all agreed at all times, but we won’t. Conflict is a natural part of life, and yet, we are afraid to stir things up and rather ‘keep the peace’. However, that means one person is oblivious/happy, and the other isn’t. And that eventually will ruin relationships.
So, we have to speak up about things that matter to us — and are contentious/controversial.
Here are a few tips to have them well, to at least do your part well:
Prep:
* Get clear on whether the topic means enough; is this really a problem that has to be addressed?
* Is this a one-time occurrence, a pattern, or has this reached the level of trust/respect in the other?
* Find a good moment and spot, in which both are mentally present, and at least somewhat at ease.
How to handle the emotions that might come up:
* Check in with yourself continuously about your current intentions: are you still working on working things out together, or have you digressed into wanting to win the argument/punish the other person? Or have you stopped contributing to the topic, and are you now withholding relevant viewpoints/hiding by giving in?
* Check in with yourself continuously about your feelings/emotions: acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let them dictate what to do next. This helps to stay rational and reasonable. Having a tough conversation doesn’t mean that you’re not safe, or that things won’t be okay later. Help the other person feel safe also: reiterate that you value their work and respect them as a person, and that you’re talking about details, but not their overall performance, and certainly not their worth. If appropriate, mention that you want to continue the collaboration.
* You are responsible for your own feelings, but not theirs. You’ll have to give them space for the emotions they’re experiencing, and be okay with that. You can’t manage them and expect them to change from fearful/angry/sad to instantly happy, and excited because you’ve said what you wanted to say.
* End with an agreement on the follow-up: you care about improvement, and that means you can’t leave them hanging there with a bad review without a clear path ahead about when and how to improve.
Chelsie Kenyon
Certified Neurocoach, and Neuro-linguistic Programming
practitioner
www.chelsiekenyon.com
Giving difficult feedback doesn’t have to be difficult. Start by praising
what you love about the work that was done. Be enthusiastic and share in
detail what was done well, or correctly. Then simply add on what you would like to see changed, updated or completely redone. If the whole thing needs to be redone, you can start by thinking them for spending so much time on it, and praise their skills. Then you can explain how you would love to see it done this other particular way.
If the feedback pertains to a task or project that you requested, it’s
incredibly important to take personal responsibility for what didn’t go
well. Perhaps you were not clear in your explanation. Maybe you didn’t give
enough context. Maybe you needed to make sure that there was more training.
When you start the conversation with taking responsibility for your role in
the situation, it turns the problem issue into a collaborative effort. You
can also look at it as an opportunity for how you can improve your
communication, as well empowering them by inviting them to ask questions in the future to make sure that they understand what is being asked of them.
This way no one is wrong or right, it’s simply an opportunity for everyone
to learn something.
Elene Cafasso
MCC Enerpace, Inc. Executive Coaching
Powerful communication can be delivered nicely and still be effective. The words make it powerful and the energy behind the words make it clear that the impact is not directed at the receiver negatively no matter what the message. Powerful communication makes the message effective, even if the recipient doesn’t like or agree with what they’re hearing.
If a relationship can’t withstand an honest communication, then
frankly it’s not much of a relationship!
In coaching, I work with my clients on the best way to do what we call
designing an alliance. This approach recognizes:
* We are both on the same side
* We are both responsible, intelligent and well meaning adults
* We both have needs and wants that are deserving of respect.
Neither are more important than the other
So how do you do this? You simply state what you need, without emotion
or blame. The other party gets to say yes, no or make a counteroffer.
Then they tell you what they want or need, and you have the same 3 options.
Say you’re asked to participate on a team at work. You might reply
with a counteroffer by saying I’d be happy to help, but I have a few
things with deadlines coming up soon. I can join the team in 4–6
weeks. Does that work for you?.
Or perhaps you can’t do it at all. You might say Gee, I’m sorry but
I really don’t have the bandwidth for that right now with what I’ve
got on my plate. If you really need my input, perhaps I could attend
only those meetings where you’ll be discussing my area. Or perhaps
someone on my team could more fully participate. What works best for
you?
If it’s feedback from a performance review that needs to be delivered,
don’t dominate the conversation and ask questions. And, provide
feedback regularly so that there are no surprises.
Vincent Burruano
President of Vince Burruano Consulting Services. LLC
https://www.practical-sales-wisdom.com/
As leaders, we are responsible for providing feedback to those in our
charge. While these coaching discussions are a fantastic opportunity to
help other people learn and grow, they can often be difficult and emotional
conversations. To have the best coaching discussion possible, you should
ensure you are well prepared. Here are a few tips.
1. Schedule a time and location that provides privacy and is free of
distractions. Especially when you may need to provide critical feedback, be
sure to show respect for the person. Find a comfortable area where you can
both be fully present to have a productive session.
2. Focus on behaviors and not attitudes. It is impossible to know what
someone is thinking or feeling. However, you can clearly observe their
behavior. When you are coaching someone about their performance, focus on observable behaviors, especially those you have witnessed firsthand. For example, instead of say, You had a bad attitude when helping that angry
customer you should phrase it as You did not appear to be patient or
empathetic when dealing with that angry customer.
3. Have specific examples to review. It is important to ensure your
observations about behavior covers more than just the last week, unless you are dealing with a particular serious issue that has surfaced. Be sure your feedback is representative of how the person behaves most often, not just on their one bad day. Be able to bring forth specific examples you observed or heard from highly reliable sources. Ask them to share with you their perspective on the example shared before you give them advice on what to do.
Your job is to help them discover and recognize what they should be doing,
rather than lecturing them. Self-discovery often leads to better long-term
behavioral changes — which is the purpose of your discussion with them.
4. Develop an action plan and provide ongoing support. There will be
times when someone has exhibited a certain behavior because they didn’t
really know how to deal with a particular situation. What may appear to be
callous behavior may actually be a display of insufficient knowledge. As in
the earlier example, maybe they never received training on the best ways to
deal with an angry customer and became unnecessarily defensive because they didn’t have the skills and confidence to handle the situation
professionally. Be sure to explore they understand your expectations for
performance and make sure they know how to achieve those results. Often, a little training can help people have the right tools to deal with a
situation better in the future. Find those teaching moments to help upgrade their skill set and catch them doing it right to reinforce the behavior.
As a leader, you are working to cultivate change not punishment or feelings
of embarrassment. You need to create a safe space where the person
recognizes you are having this discussion with them to help them be the best they can be and to perform at the highest levels of professionalism. It is only when they know you care will they be truly interested in what you know.
In the realm of challenging discussions we have the opportunity to nurture bonds that foster development and understanding.
