Infidelity: how to recover from a mishap in a romantic relationship?
Infidelity in romantic relationships is a serious problem. Most time, it is an extremely painful and unforgettable experience.
It shakes the very foundations of the relationship, destroys trust, calls everything into question and creates deep pain and betrayal. It turns the relationship upside down.
Often the person who has been deceived wonders, “Was it all a lie?” ". Cheating doesn't just affect spouses. It disrupts the life of the entire family system and causes great suffering.
The road to recovery often takes years and is a painful and heartbreaking process. It requires considerable commitment and courage on the part of both parties.
During this healing journey, I have often heard the unfaithful partner say in therapy, “If I had known the disappointment this would cause, I would never have had this affair.”
Intimate relationships can be rebuilt after infidelity. I have seen firsthand that with commitment, patience and honesty, an even stronger bond can be forged.
The only way to get over infidelity is to face it, ask tough questions, and be honest.
You don't get over an extramarital affair by pushing it away, avoiding talking about it, and pretending it never happened.
Most of the time, before the infidelity happened, the relationship was already fragile. It is important to explore how both partners contributed to the suffering in their relationship before the affair occurred. Once they understand this, they can build a new, stronger relationship.
This is not to say that this light excuses the actions of the unfaithful partner. He is always fully responsible for his actions. No matter what made them unhappy in their relationship, they chose to look outward, instead of resolving their dissatisfaction within their relationship.
To recover from infidelity, the cheating partner must be prepared to answer any uncomfortable questions the injured partner has about the affair.
The tricky part of rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is that the unfaithful partner must also become the healer. He must be willing to tolerate his shame and pain and deal with the emotional distress he has caused the injured partner by his poor decision.
Answer often very in-depth questions from your partner about the details of the relationship with the third party.
Research has shown that couples are more likely to recover if the cheating partner is willing to answer these difficult questions. Failure to answer questions perpetuates a lack of transparency and honesty, which compromises the building of trust.
For most people who have been cheated on, the fact that they were lied to is one of the hardest things to deal with. An intimate relationship can only be built with unconditional honesty.
You can only begin to rebuild your relationship once the offending partner has ceased all contact with their affair partner.
This involves no longer seeing the partner in person and stopping all communication. If the estranged partner reaches out to the partner who offended you, he or she should notify the injured partner as soon as possible. There can be no secrets, otherwise the healing process is compromised.
Secrecy and novelty often lead to feelings of euphoria. Hormones of well-being and pleasure circulate in the veins. They trigger states of sexual and emotional euphoria. This may be especially true if sexual and emotional intimacy has not been satisfactory in the romantic relationship.
As long as this important emotional and sexual energy is drained from the committed primary relationship, it is not possible to explore whether it can be rebuilt. It's like trying to start a fire without a spark and kindling.
To recover from cheating, the abused partner must know without a doubt that the unfaithful partner takes full responsibility for his or her actions and is deeply sorry for them.
This is an essential prerequisite for beginning the reconstruction process. The old relationship is dead, a new relationship can only be built on a solid foundation of responsibility and remorse.
In my experience, if the person who was cheated on has not directly felt that their partner is devastated by the pain they have caused them and has not explicitly expressed that they are deeply sorry, the path to healing is blocked.
This can be especially difficult for the unfaithful partner to express because it means they have to deal with their shame and their partner's devastation. He must admit to himself the extent of the destruction his actions have caused.
I have yet to meet a couple who were able to successfully rebuild a relationship without the help of a couples therapist.
They may exist, but very few. Often, the very weakness that made their relationship vulnerable to an affair now blocks the path to healing.
Let's say you had poor communication and a lack of connection before the infidelity. You didn't know how to express your needs or set boundaries. You didn't know how to express your emotions productively before the infidelity. Then, after the infidelity, you don't have the tools to rebuild your relationship.
A marriage counselor can teach you these skills. Without this skill set, no lasting recovery is possible. The therapist can guide you step by step and help you determine whether you can build a stable relationship that suits you both, or whether it is better to separate and start from scratch.
