How being unattractive can make you attractive
Unfortunately, we live in a world where we all objectify one another. We have miserable times in high school, because we are deemed unattractive, or, because we are deemed attractive and are required to maintain that status.
But have you ever wondered why, when we become adults and truly have free choice, despite societal pressures, many of us find ourselves in relationships with people that our high school selves would never have dated?
Well, nothing on the internet truly disappears, and Youtuber Boyinaband found a pretty fascinating study online that on it’s surface, is pretty petty, but if you’re a empathetic, person like Boyinaband you might dig deeper and realize something: What makes us unattractive to the consensus population, makes us attractive to those who wish to engage with us.
The piece that disappeared from OKCupid’s website, “The Mathematics of Beauty,” is part of the author, Christian Rudder’s book “Dataclysm.”
Basically, while working for OKCupid, a popular dating website, Rudder interviewed and surveyed their clients. In one particular study, he asked straight men to evaluate the attractiveness of a set of women and compared that to how many messages the attractive people received from straight male members. What he found was surprising.
Rudder found that if there was consensus that a woman was physically attractive they received less messages from men than people who were evaluated as attractive by averaging their scores, but polarized the men surveyed. In other words, if the majority of men surveyed said that a woman was a 4 out of 5, less men would message her than a woman who averaged a 4, but numerous men saw her as a 5 and numerous men saw her as a 1.
Boyinaband suspects that if the study was straight women evaluating men, the results would be similar. I tend to agree with him — but we’re guys.
The study suspects that the number of messages that the polarizing beauties received was because those women feel more attainable. They suspect that men see these people as flawed, are still attracted to them, and think they might have a chance. However, I have a very different rational for why polarizing beauties get more attention on dating websites.
I’ve never used a dating website, but I’ve been a bachelor off and on forever. Who are we kidding, I’ve checked out dating websites. I’ve created a profile, had a look and then deleted my profile... multiple times. What I’ve quickly realized is that there are a lot of attractive people on these websites. And a lot of the women on these sites are attractive in similar ways.
Same heights, same weights, same haircuts, same sense of fashion. In a society where conformity is encouraged, the people who grab attention do it by breaking conformity in small ways. Sometimes, what makes us physically unattractive helps us to stand out. That standing out is what leads to engagement with those attracted to us.
In other words, if my average attractiveness is 3 out of 5 I shouldn’t worry if most people see me as unattractive. The people who do see me as attractive are more likely to engage with me. If that’s the case, then the probability of me finding a girlfriend/common law/wife/partner in crime has more to do with my willingness to expand my environment, and my communication skills than my lack of attractiveness.
As a quick aside, one thing the internet has taught me, is that all of us are sexually attractive to a lot of people. There are people attracted to larger people, older people, people less able, and people from varying backgrounds. In many cases, there are websites that cater to people who have those specific tastes.
I’ve dated a number of women who I’m shocked find me attractive. And often, they’re surprised that I’ve asked them out.
I don’t get to decide if I’m physically attractive — those attracted to me do that. What I can do, is dress in clothes that I like. I can read books that interest me, expanding my knowledge. I can go to a wide variance of events that I think I’ll like, expanding the number of people that I interact with. I exercise as maintenance — it helps with my back pains and my health. But as a result, I stand taller. Dressing in clothes that I like, reading books that I enjoy and exercise all become a part of what makes me attractive to the women who think that I am.
From my experience, if you do stand out, for whatever reason, taking care of yourself, and participating/going to events you enjoy, will lead to you meeting people. Then it’s a matter of being open to the possibility of being attracted to those who attempt to get your attention.
I agree with Boyinaband’s suggestions. If you want the people who are attracted to you to contact you, whether a website or in person, make sure that you stand out. He suggests that maybe you should get that tattoo you’ve always wanted. I don’t think it needs to be anything that drastic.
Maybe it’s time to have a different haircut than all of your friends. Perhaps you could make subtle changes to the clothes that you wear. Be open about that nerdy thing that you enjoy. The idea is to break conformity in small ways. We don’t have to go to extremes to do that.
For instance, I used to wear name brand black t-shirts like a uniform. Now I primarily wear plain, blank t-shirts. I wear black, but also, blue, white, grey, and brown shirts. Not a big deal to you, but to me it is. And in many of the circles that I still spend some time in, not wearing branded clothes makes me standout.
To simplify my thoughts:
Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you wish to be found by those that find you attractive, stand out by being yourself.
