My flip phone has enemies

Dane Swan
Dane Swan
Sep 5 · 4 min read
For me, this is just a phone, but some of my friends wish for its demise!

This is my flip phone. I’ve had it for probably around a decade. There was nothing significant about the moment I bought it. Pretty sure I got it at a booth in the Dufferin Mall. I can text friends with it. I can phone family. It’s not perfect, occasionally one of the numbers has to be hot-glued back into place — It’s a really old phone. However, because it works, I still use it. One wouldn’t think that would be a big deal.

But it is. I didn’t know that an inanimate object could have enemies. But apparently, I was wrong. Wow was I wrong. Women hate this phone.

I first started to realize, how passionately this phone was despised this past Winter when —

Sorry, let’s jump back a couple months before the incident. Late last year while visiting my mom in New Brunswick for Christmas, she offered to buy me a new cellphone. When I politely refused — mine works and I didn’t want her to spend money unnecessarily — she offered to give me hers. Her phone plan allows her to get a new phone every couple years. Instead of trading it in, she decided that she would give her phone to me. Because there was no additional expense to my mother (through her phone plan she was going to get a new phone anyway) I couldn’t say no.

Now we’ve established that I do have a newer smart phone in my possession, we can get back to the story.

Returning from a trip to Ottawa, I was having a rough day. Somehow, I fell stepping out of the train. I was pretty disheveled. Getting reacquainted with my apartment, I dropped my phone. No big deal. I’ve dropped it tons of times. The thing is a tank.

Suddenly, my mom called me. I tried to answer the phone, but nothing happened when I pressed the appropriate button. I had to call my mother back. The next day, my buddy Pat called. He scored us some tickets to a minor-league hockey game and wanted to make sure I knew that we were going to meet at the arena. This time when I answered the phone, I could hear his voice, but he could not hear mine. It was official. My phone was busted.

Because of my current phone plan, to activate my mom’s Samsung I would have to head to a mall. Thing is, I hate malls. Also, I was busy all Winter. With no choice, I decided that I would head to the mall on Sunday to change phones. To give people a heads up I posted what I thought was a nothing post on social media. A small post to let people know that my phone was acting up, but I would activate a newer phone that weekend. Boy, was I wrong thinking that was a ‘nothing post.’

Suddenly, female friends, ex-girlfriends, and my mother started posting comments celebrating my phone’s demise. Women DMed me to confirm that my old flip phone was finally being retired. Many of these women had nothing in common; they were different ages, races, religions, and economic standings. The only two things they had in common, were their concern for me and their happiness for the end of my flip phone’s existence.

Of course, my flip phone had the last laugh.

At the time, I was co-editing an anthology with someone who does not follow me on social media. She called me midweek about something critical. On the fly, I decided to drop my phone from a low height, in an attempt to fix it. At worst, if it didn’t work, I was going to activate my new phone soon anyway. I could email Kate an apology, and not worry. However, to my surprise, dropping the phone repaired it.

With no reason to go to a mall, I haven’t gotten my mom’s phone activated. That’ll change this Fall, but the old flip phone works fine for now. Women around me were obviously disappointed. One ex was amused and chuckled. Another shook her head. Okay, a number of women shook their heads in my direction.

My rebel phone and its future replacement

I honestly don’t get it. Switching to a newer phone will not suddenly give me riches. I will not suddenly become more attractive. I can text, and I can call people. I own three laptops. I have no trouble answering an email. I already have a really good camera.

It’s not a big deal. If you ever need to reach me, my trusty, old flip phone will be with me. Like it always has been. Well, until I activate the Samsung. Then that…

We're Still Cool

What can we say? We're still cool!

Dane Swan

Written by

Dane Swan

Spoken word artist, poet, musician, author and editor.

We're Still Cool

What can we say? We're still cool!

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