What this website wants you to do
Hi there! I’m every website ever! Before you start browsing my content and shop of affiliated-wares, I just need a few things. Want to sign up for my newsletter? You should totally sign up for my newsletter. Just enter your email address in this little box here. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOOGLE. STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE MISSING AN “@” SYMBOL IN THE ‘email’ FIELD. DO IT OVER. Thanks for signing up. Whoa, what the hell guy? You didn’t say that you read my terms and conditions…! Click that box, dammit! Okay. Now you’re registered. Make sure to confirm your address in the email link I sent you and check your spam filters.
Now that you’ve signed up for our newsletter, you should “like” our Facebook page. Click that “like” box there. You aren’t logged into Facebook? Better do that first. Then click “like.” That’s like with an ‘L’ as in, you’re going to LOVE this website. But srsly like our page pls.
I see you’re on an Apple mobile device. Have you added us to your homescreen? ADD ME TO YOUR HOMESCREEN YOU FOOL! Just click that little button that looks like an exploding toaster. Ah, almost forgot. We have a mobile app. Trust me on this, you’re going to want to download it. Everyone loves apps. Apps make everything better. You know there are poor families in 3rd world countries that pray for you to download more apps? Make their lives better, download our app. Plus, the “lite” version is free! Oh, before you download it, better login to the app store first. WTF GUY? THAT ISN’T THE RIGHT PASSWORD. TRY AGAIN. No, I don’t know why you need to login to the app store to download our free app. Write a letter to Tim Cook.
Argh. You put your Apple password in wrong! Try again, doofus. I don’t know why there are a bunch of little * symbols there either. Only an ant-sized ninja could conceivably see what you are typing on that phone with a 4-inch screen. But Tim Cook wants to be super-duper-sure you want to download this free app, and that there’s no one standing over your shoulder in the process. R U SERIOUS BRO? You entered too many wrong passwords. You need to contact Apple to reset your account. Just do that and…there! It’s fixed. Be sure to check your email because when you reset your password you get 47 separate notifications from Apple, and the police issue an amber alert. Now download that app! Now that it’s open you can…ah, you need to download an update. Go do that in the app store. No, login to Apple again first. No, I don’t know why you have to do it twice. Write a letter to Tim Cook — remember, NMP.
Great…after being so patient, the app is ready for use. Click it. Boom. It’s open. Would you like to rate this app? Just go to the app store and click review. Now enter a username. No not THAT one. That one is taken. So is that one. And that one. Thanks for the rating.
Have you signed up for our newsletter yet?
Okay. You’re back on every website ever. Our APIs need a couple of things before you move forward. Can you give me access to your location? I need to access your phone’s camera. And its photos. And that set of awkward photos you took for your junior year high school prom. Yeah, the ones with you and the braces. Also, I need you to agree to the terms and conditions of this website. Did you see our shop? Click it to browse our vast wares of ironic t-shirts and artisanal kitchen things and productivity widgets. But before you can see our deals, you need to login with a Facebook account. Just hit that little “authorize” button. Good.
Now you need to make an account for our website. Not with that email address. It’s already been registered. Did you casually browse our site one time while sitting on a toilet? Don’t you remember going through this process before? Well, just reset your password. Not your Apple password or your Facebook password but your “every website ever” password. How many passwords do you have anyway? We think it’s like 4 total, but our marketing guys say that the average user has to remember hundreds. We don’t listen to them, we clearly are just part of your top 4, so set a unique password for us. Not that one. It needs to have an uppercase and a lowercase letter, and at least 3 numbers, 4 special characters, the Chinese symbol for armpit hair and be at least 25 characters long.
Okay, buddy. You’re in. You downloaded our app, rated it, added our website to your homescreen, subscribed to our email list, linked your Facebook account to our site, set up a custom account, agreed to our privacy policy, verified permissions to all our APIs, signed away the rights to your first and second born, pledged your unconditional loyalty to our website, and just subscribed to our monthly rotation of e-books for $19.99 each.
So now that we’re finally here, what do we want you to do on this website?
Everything except use the website.
