Semicolon: to create pause.
The semicolon is an essential use in grammar, which for myself, proves vital in my use of it as a writer. A semicolon is a punctuation mark that indicates a pause, typically between two main clauses that are more pronounced than that indicated by a comma. Indicating a pause, very much like in life; or death. The semicolon punctuation mark has become something more in today’s culture by being used as a message of affirmation and solidarity against suicide, depression, addiction, and other mental health issues.
The semicolon tattoo was popularized by Amy Bleuel, who having struggled with depression, addiction, and difficult personal circumstances wanted something to commemorate her survival. In 2013, Amy founded the faith-based nonprofit Project Semicolon, which chose the semicolon as it’s symbol.
“It’s used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life.”
Project Semicolon is dedicated to the prevention of suicide by raising public awareness of depression and equipping communities and individuals with tools to promote mental health (1).
While suicide has become a more discussed topic, it has also been criticized as being overly publicized, made glorified through media, literature, and pop culture. Keyword, criticized. For myself, I find comfort in similarities, it helps me feel not alone in that which I have battled. For five years I battled internally with depression and through my addictions, I became more embattled by darkness. It was during this time that suicide became a constant in my mind and reasoning. I knew how I was going to take my own life, where I would jump. Every day, whether I got myself out of bed or whether I forcefully contributed to my day, my death was on my mind. I use the word death instead of suicide because that was what was on my mind- death. In my admission, I am aware of the selfish nature that I embody because I am a Mom, certainly was a Mom during that time in my life. My daughter was the only feeling other than the hopelessness that had taken over me, she was the only light amongst so much darkness. In time, the light became stronger and brighter, and I began my journey toward healing. The time in which I have focused my energy, mind, and body toward healing has been greater than that period of hopelessness, where I was ready to sleep forever. Though small on the scale of time, significant on the extent of what has impacted my life. Life because I chose life, to not give in, no matter how much I felt it easier on everyone if I were to be absent forever.
Losing my Mom when I was too young is something I realized I never wanted my daughter to be stricken with. A realization found obvious to another; still, for me, it came much later when thoughts of suicide again returned. 2016 was a year that I wish I could forget, but it was also a year that has provided me with a clear example of what I don’t want my life to return to. 2017 brought the start of healing and my frequent visits to both therapy and psychiatrist appointments. I was prescribed antidepressants and also ADHD medications.
My experience with prescriptions are not something positive, and I never intend on offending anyone who takes prescriptions and believes it is necessary to continually work on finding the best option with your Doctor.
2018, 2019, I continued with my appointments and medications only to find myself abusing the ADHD medicine, during which I drank much more alcohol. I learned there are multiple steps regarding recovery. The realization led me to dramatically rip up my remaining scrips, flush my remaining pills, and again focus on my recovery from my addictions. I certainly allowed myself the ease of indulging in my habit because “my Doctor prescribed” me with the scripts. Still, my morals were strong, and I knew internally that I needed to fight for my freedom from these afflictions. I remained on antidepressants but felt a love-hate relationship with them, but was so aware of my own anxiety that I forced myself to continue taking them. I did come to realize that I felt I was still depressed while on my antidepressants when a small dark thought crept it’s way back into my mind. I found myself thinking about suicide again. I was not in a place of hopelessness though, and while true I had dealt with relapses, I was very dedicated to improving myself. My circumstances were very different than the years before when it was only a stairwell that stood between me and jumping. I mentally could picture the word “suicide” spelled out, and the idea continued to resonate with me mainly at nighttime. It was during an honest conversation with my daughter’s father that I realized this time my “suicide thoughts” may be an effect from my antidepressant. I decided to stop taking my antidepressants, much like I had from taking my ADHD medicine and gradually began to feel like myself again. Each day I began to get a little part of myself back.
The best thing about life is getting to experience each new day. I am grateful for where I am now, something I get to relive with each positive step forward in my life. So much can change from a decision, and I really admire the Semicolon Project because it is a reminder of just that. Life from today forward will forever be something more to those of us who, at one point, had opted for another route.
(1) Project Semicolon. “Project Semicolon — Mental Health & Suicide Prevention.” Project Semicolon — Mental Health & Suicide Prevention, projectsemicolon.com/.
— JLJ @thisdamsel
