5th Year
*Originally posted via Facebook on Wednesday, October 19th, 8:32pm*
Some rambling thoughts on this the eve of our 5th reunion
It hit me tonight that I’ve spent so much energy griping and ranting about the logistics of registering for reunion that I haven’t paused to take stock of how the hell I’m actually feeling about the reunion part of reunion.
And it hit me tonight that I’m actually kind of nervous.
Is anybody else feeling that?
I can’t quite put logic or precise wording behind my nerves, but I think they have something to do with that all-encompassing word “authenticity.” And perhaps honesty about where I’m at right now, five years after we all stumbled around the stadium and tried to find our parents in the stands.
Is anyone else wondering how they’ll put into a few sentences, a quick passing conversation, all that’s happened in these last five years? Anybody else a little nervous about this?
Like how do I say to you when I see you as I’m running to this event or that thing or trying to find xzy, how do I answer the cheerful and certainly well-intentioned question “HI how are you?? What have you been up to???” when the truth is, for me — these last 5 years have actually been really…hard. And what I’ve been up to is…kind of all over the place.
Is anyone else thinking about this tonight?
Like how do I say “Well, actually…right now I’m grateful to be alive, and of sound body (mind is questionable), but five years ago I was interning in New York, living on food stamps, carrying on an affair with a married woman, lying to pretty much everyone including myself. And four years ago I was temping in Los Angeles while struggling and ultimately failing to make a long distance relationship with my Stanford boyfriend work. And three years ago my assistant job in television was actually the source of a lot of anxiety and depression, contrary to what my Instagram might have told you. And today? I’m yet again hoping to switch careers as I actually don’t quite know what the eff I’ll be doing in another five years. Oh and sure I’m in a different, better, relationship and live with my handsome fun boyfriend, but we fight. In fact we’re fighting right now.”
Like…how do I say THat?
Is anybody else feeling this?
I guess I’m nervous that I’ll spend all weekend trying to create some image of myself that’s not quite authentic to where I’m at right now.
The truth is, if there’s one thing I’m actually proud of from these past few years it’s that I’ve gotten a bit better about being honest. It’s a little scary — I’m certainly nervous about what the reaction might be to this post. It takes time — you can’t really have a meaningful conversation in passing. It takes intention — one or both people have to be willing to create space for things to not all be great.
But I have, in the last 5 years, found that it tends to resonate with people.
So maybe my point in posting this as I also remind myself to be grateful for my life, and general health, and remind myself that I was very privileged to be at Stanford for those four years five years ago, maybe my point is to publicly challenge myself — and maybe anyone else, too? — to see how authentic we can be this weekend with each other. Understandably every interaction can’t be as deep, as meaningful, as authentic, as perhaps we’d like it to be. But maybe we can give each other the space to not have it somewhat — or even sort of — figured out. That is, if we/you don’t! Maybe you do! If you do, I stand (sit actually. I’m tired) in awe of you.
But if you don’t, if you don’t have it figured out, if your plans for the future you made five years ago have taken a sharp left turn, or turned upside down, or perhaps you too are a little nervous about this weekend —
— know you are not alone! I’m here, and will be there, proudly and also sheepishly strutting (can one sheepishly strut?) around campus with my homecoming name tag and packet, utterly overwhelmed yet grateful, nervous yet excited, and curious to know how you are.
How you truly are.
Xo
Olivia
