Dear New College Grads

Dear New College Grads,

Sometimes I find myself propped up in bed, late at night, having exhausted my Instagram and Facebook newsfeeds and every other means of social comparison. I find myself propped up in bed and I reach for that thing I know I should use more often — my journal.

Bear with me. There’s a point here I promise.

Tonight when I reached for my journal, I knew there was something special I needed to commemorate (which usually just turns into lists and ramblings and rambling lists because to be honest writing coherent paragraphs late at night is somewhat difficult).

But as what I knew I needed to write about tonight turned into another rambling list, I realized maybe — maybe! — there’s something here that you might want to hear as you head off into the scariest, most possibility-filled opportunity yet: your first post-college job(s).

Today is July 1st, 2014.

One year ago today was the first day of my first ever “real” job; not an internship, not a fellowship or freelance gig or part-time something. My first benefits-overtime-PTO-expense-account job.

I had been out of school for two years at this point, so I was slightly more seasoned than you are now at barely a month or less out of school. But I had filled the two years since graduation with camp-counselor-ships and internships and fellowships and every ship you can imagine and this was my first Job.

(I SWEAR there’s a point to this.)

To give you a glimpse into the kind of lists I make in my journal (or perhaps just to avoid having to construct more mini-paragraphs), here’s how I would describe myself one year ago:

• scared, nervous
• living in fear
• constantly second guessing myself
• needing someone else to fill the void I felt in myself
• doing what I thought I was meant to do
• filling somebody else’s definition of success/career path
• jealous, suspicious, impatient
• not in control of my temper or emotions
• unable to fully show up as a good partner
• dependent, financially insecure(ish)
• sick to my stomach when thinking about going into work
• no real time for work, sleep, AND self care
• just fucking terrified

But here’s how I would describe myself today, July 1st 2014.

Today, I am:

• calm(er), though admittedly dramatic to a fault
• good friends with my co workers
• happy when I think about going into work
• financially independent
• in control of my schedule
• secure in my ability to be alone
• able to ask for what I want
• ready to be a good partner to somebody
• surrounded by people besides my family who care about me
• able to take time for self care
• not scared

The reason I wanted to share these lists with you is because I think there’s a lesson to be learned particularly in the second list, and one that I think might — might! — help you.

DISCLAIMER: as with everything I write, it’s all the ramblings of a formerly-depressed, neurotically-empathetic creative-type, who has no professional qualification for giving advice other than wondering if people read what I write. There are holes in my arguments (and socks), I don’t always make clear connections, and more often than not what I write is generated between the hours of 11pm and 4am. So. End of Disclaimer.

Without going into the details of what I used to do, I’ll just say that about five months ago I completely abandoned what I thought I was “supposed” to be doing as someone who’s always been involved in the arts and entertainment. I listened to the deepest part of my gut that said “You’re not happy. You’re living in fear,” and was fortunate enough to get a job in a completely different industry.

Side note: I want to recognize that making a switch like I did isn’t always so magically laid out (thanks, Universe!). But as my all-knowing Mom has recently pointed out, it wasn’t until I decided I deserved better that things mysteriously started falling into place, so maybe there’s something to that positive-thinking mumbo jumbo after all?

Ok. Almost to the point.

The first few weeks at my new job were certainly stressful. A completely new industry to learn, with new vocabulary, different expectations, and way a lot of Google docs. The company I now work for is in a stage of rapid growth, so all employees (though we definitely have defined job titles) are oftentimes expected to step up in an all-hands-on-deck type of way. At the C-Suite level (look, Ma, I know what that means!) there can be tricky personalities, I’ve heard stories of less than perfect managers, and our ridiculously low turnover rate perhaps indicates a culture that’s too hesitant to fire people.

My department has a number of recent college grads from various Class(es) of 2013, so — like you now — for these co workers this is their first job out of college. They are generally happy at this company, and feel supported by co worker friends, if not their managers, department VPs, or other individuals throughout the company. I’ve seen them laugh hysterically with the head of HR, play foosball with the VP of Legal, drink wine with our President, and watch soccer with our CEO.

And yet — I’ve noticed many of them have genuinely complained over time about unclear goals, poorly communicated expectations, frustration with not feeling enough personal growth and professional development, disappointment over promotions not happening quickly enough and compensation differences across teams feeling unfair. Some expressed considering leaving if things didn’t “improve.” Their frustration was bringing me down for a while because I wondered how it was that I could be at the same company, doing many of the same things, and yet still be as happy as I am.

And then it finally dawned on me: because I know what it’s like to work in fear.

I think once you’ve worked in fear, with a constant knot in your stomach, in an environment where you don’t look around and feel deeply connected to the people you work with, where you can’t walk away from your desk when you need to, where you can’t really take a break and you can’t spend twenty minutes clustered around guacamole without fearing missing an All Important Thing for which you could be reprimanded…once you’ve worked in that kind of environment, you know just how damn lucky you are to work at a company where people (teammates, managers, VPs, Founders) genuinely. care. about. you. and your wellbeing.

Because when I ask these recent college grads at work if they feel cared about by at least a handful of people at the company — whether that be co workers, teammates, or superiors — they say yes. When I realize that they can afford to live in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, when I see them in the kitchen at work, laughing over endless bags of blue corn tortilla chips, or getting full support from our VP for dance parties and office pranks, I can’t help but wonder if they take that into consideration when feeling frustrated or disappointed.

I am by no means discounting genuine frustration. It happens. It will happen.

I promise.

The company I work for is by no means perfect, nor is any company.

But if you can find yourself a work environment in which you feel cared about, uplifted, supported, and you can look around at your co workers and say “these people have become my friends,” then I can almost guarantee you it won’t matter what your “job” ends up being. Who knows — it could be something you’ve always dreamed of, it could be meh, or it could be in an industry you always made fun of.

People. People are what matter.

People, and how they treat you.

So I hope you will be so lucky as to have your first post-grad job be one with good people, who treat you well and trust you to manage your time and give you space to be a human, a human who doesn’t have to fear asking for space. And if not? Then I hope you know it’s ok to make a change. It’s ok to tell nobody that you’re secretly thinking of ditching all that you’ve worked for because you need to hear one voice — your voice — and one voice only when making that decision. It’s ok because if your decision gets you closer to good people and further from fear, I promise you life will be better.

Because life is about to get hard.

And as I’m sure you’re well aware, this is quite possibly the scariest time of life as you’ve known it.

And while not all fear is bad, living and working in fear will take so much energy that you might find yourself without the ability to do whatever it is you love.

And if you find yourself as I did a year ago, you might find yourself without the ability to love.

Anyway.

There’s a point in there somewhere. I promise.

Maybe.

XO