6 Signs That Will Make You Rethink Your Relationship
And what to do about it.
Most of us have been in an unhealthy relationship at some point in our lives. It happens to the best of us. They may control you, drain you, suck the lifeblood out of you, make you unhappy or simply be ‘just not quite right’. Whatever the reasons, it is essential that you can recognize when you are in a relationship that is not right for you. Staying can be damaging — mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s not always easy to see when you should leave. We’re often clouded by illusions of love, attachment, and/or lust. Here are six fail-safe signs that you should stop and re-evaluate your relationship right now.
Please note: If you are in a relationship where you believe you or your family are at risk of injury or death — please ring your local emergency, domestic violence, and/or child protection services immediately. This article is not meant to apply to situations of extreme danger such as this. It is targeted at those of us who are surviving rather than thriving in relationships and aren’t quite sure what to do about it.
1. You start to compromise on the big stuff
‘Big stuff’ can mean different things to different people. However, there are bound to be some things that are important to most of us- our visions of family and commitment, our values, our physical and mental health, chemistry, and security…to name a few. Everyone is different, but when there is a clash on something fundamental it’s time to think again. What are you compromising on? Is this something that can be worked through? Is it worth it?
If it is, you have to strike the delicate balance between maintaining your boundaries and not losing yourself, whilst trying to be open enough to keep your ego to one side and see where the other person is coming from. This is not easy, and it may be wise to have a third party mediate in the way of a counselor, friend, or relative.
If it’s not a difference that can be reconciled in a way that makes sense to you, you need to find the gumption to leave. Know who you are, value your worth and prioritize yourself above what an unfulfilling relationship will bring you. It is not worth compromising on who you are simply for the illusions of security and comfort.
2. You start to doubt yourself
Healthy relationships add to your sense of value, confidence, and overall happiness. Of course, it’s good to have healthy differences of opinion and debate topics with respect and understanding. It’s another matter when your partner is so dominant and fixed in their views that you start to question your own beliefs and opinions; or because you are not sure enough of yourself, you start to mold your mind into a different way of thinking. It’s not a weakness to be flexible and open-minded, so long as you are not so accommodating that you start to compromise on who you truly are and what your core values and beliefs are. If this is the case, look elsewhere, or have a break from relationships and spend some time understanding what you stand for, and what makes you so malleable.
3. You need to change…big time
There is a tricky balance between wanting change and acceptance. It is good to favor growth, but the beauty of love is also in its acceptance of each other’s humanness. We usually change organically for the better in healthy relationships.
Focus on yourself — do you need to make changes, and if so, are they beneficial for your overall growth? If the answer is yes, great! Go for it. If not, don’t try to change yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of who you should be. If you have compromised yourself by being in a relationship, ask yourself whether you are in the relationship that is right for you, or whether now is a good time to be in a relationship at all. Maybe it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself and build a stronger sense of trust in who you are. If your partner has deficiencies that are causing issues — you are limited in what you can do, for only they can choose to change themselves.
There is also only so much change that we should expect from ourselves and our partners. If the changes that are needed are very significant, is this the right relationship for you? Are you better off taking some ‘me’ time?
4. You become isolated
Relationships should be celebrated, and you should both be able to slip into each other’s lives with relative ease. Of course, it’s usually not possible for either of you to get on with all your partner’s friends and relatives. However, if you realize that because of the course your relationship is taking, you are having to close yourself off to your nearest and dearest, recognize the alarm bells. Think about why this is the case — are your loved ones and your partner simply not compatible? Are you having to defend one against the other? Are you losing your sense of self?
Sometimes these issues can be addressed, and situations can change for the better. However, if you are losing your footing in terms of your support system, you’re in a dangerous spot. Stop and re-evaluate.
5. You are in scarcity mode
Being with your partner should be an experience that fills you with ease, contentment, and peace — maybe not all the time, but in the overall sense of the relationship. If your dominant emotions are anger, sorrow, hurt, fear or guilt — why is this the case? It is not healthy for anyone to spend the majority of their day, week, or (heaven forbid) life being consumed by such negative emotions. It’s not simply unhealthy, you don’t deserve it. No one deserves to be dragged down. You shouldn’t be in a mode of wanting, needing, or craving. You should be in a state of ‘enough’.
Take an honest look at yourself and your relationship. Why are you feeling the way you are feeling? Is this temporary or is it starting to become a part of your overall being? What needs to be done? Whatever the situation and answer are, take action. You may need to have some painfully honest conversations with each other and with yourself. Communicating can be difficult, and you may want to get help in the form of a counselor.
Remaining in prolonged states of anxiety and distress can be damaging for your mental and physical health in the long term. The longer you are in a rut, the harder it is to come out of it. It’s not worth it. You deserve to be happy, now and in the future. If the relationship you are in is threatening this, do whatever it takes to change the situation- fix it, and if you can’t then leave it.
6. Your loved ones tell you so
As the age-old adage goes, love is blind. Sad but true. If we weren’t blinded to the less than palatable aspects of our other halves, we would find it quite difficult to form romantic relationships in the first place. Blindness is somewhat necessary, but it shouldn’t be allowed to drag you into a world where you are destabilized, not yourself, and not accepted nor celebrated for who you are.
That’s why we have loved ones — to tell us if this is the case. We are incapable of seeing the reality of a relationship when we are attached, so if a trusted person who cares about you plucks up the courage to share their concerns with you, take it seriously. Of course, ultimately it is our choice whether we choose to remain in a situation that is unhealthy for us. Outsiders do not and cannot always know the whole story. However, if they have your best interests at heart and they have something to say, there is probably some truth in it.
Facing the truth is hard, particularly when our need for safety, attachment, and company is so strong. Life is never straightforward, and there are at least two sides to every story. Striking the balance between looking after yourself and being vulnerable in a relationship can be difficult. Often, there is some worth in trying to repair situations (unless they are so dangerous to you that you should leave immediately). Ultimately, however, if you find that your sense of worth, self, and value has slipped in the process, you are unlikely to be happy in your relationship going forward.
Whatever the reasons may be, use your experiences as valuable opportunities to learn and grow, gifted to you by life. Relationships are not the solution to life’s challenges, but they sure can be springboards to wake up to the beautiful souls that we truly are.
My thoughts are based on my own experiences of love and relationships. What do you think? What have you taken away from your relationships that you would like to share? I would love to hear your thoughts.
