An Open Letter to My Ex.
Writing letters is the oldest yet most powerful way of communication.
Dear Ex!
You know I loved you.
I loved you to the limits; no one ever loved ME. I loved you in a way no one ever loved YOU.
I told you very often how I felt about you; however, my words could not do justice. There were feelings far beyond the limits of expressions. I thought about you! Days and nights while being awake and asleep.
I saw your face in strangers. I heard your voice when you were not around. I smiled at your laughter even after weeks or months of meeting you. My heart missed beats when I thought about our encounters. I dreamed about you with open eyes. I loved you far beyond the lights.
You left me.
You left me even after I told you how important you were in my life. You didn’t stop when I told you my life would never be the same once you are gone. You shrugged off my words when I told you I can never love someone else now that I have loved you to the limits. You told me straight that all of this is nonsense, life doesn’t stop, and no one dies out of heartbreak. You coldly told me to compose myself and move on. You told me to forget everything about us and to go on with my life happily.
You left me shattered. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. You didn’t look back after leaving me on a road that I explored only while following you. I didn’t know where to go. All the doors around me were closed while I was looking at the door where you were standing with your bright eyes, loving smiles, sweet words, and kind gestures.
But what did you do? You closed that only door right on my face and peacefully moved on with your life. I kept looking at your door for months and years. I couldn’t accept the fact that my presence in your life meant nothing to you. I was the extra baggage that you got rid off when things got tough. I was someone you never intended to stay with.
Who was I to you? A puppet? A toy? Something to kill boredom? Someone to approach when you had no one else to be with? And now when you have your life set, you are meeting your goals, you have got people around to be with, I am no one. Like I didn’t even exist in your life.
You left me alone and never returned. But I kept looking back, every day, multiple times a day. Depression hit me hard, and loneliness broke me apart.
I spent my nights crying and my days lying, faking smiles and hiding tears. I was unable to focus on my life, my work, and my family. All I ever craved for was you. I wanted you back so bad that nothing else seemed important enough. I missed you with every heartbeat, but I didn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t contact you because I had nothing new to say. I had already told you everything I felt, everything I thought, everything I ever wanted. I had told you how much I loved you, but none of this seemed to matter to you. I practically begged you to stay, but all I was told was to stay away.
So I didn’t try to reach out to you even though my heart bled every second of every day. The only comfort I could find was in looking at your pictures. I wanted to feel your presence in this world. I just wanted to think that we are living under the same sky, looking at the same moon, so at least in some way, we are still connected.
But then you moved on and started your life with someone you actually wanted to be with, forever. It broke my heart into a million pieces all over again. I cried, thinking that this other girl would live that life with you that I only dreamt of. You will own her in a way I wanted you to own me. You will love her the way you never loved me.
My heart broke every night and I collected all the broken pieces to re-shape my heart every morning. Somewhere in this process, my heart changed forever. It turned into something even I cannot recognize.
I couldn’t blame the girl you married because she wasn’t the one who claimed her love for me. She wasn’t the one who made me feel wanted and then treated me as completely invisible. It wasn’t her. It was you who did all this to me, even after the way I loved you….
Despite all the pain you caused, I couldn’t stop loving you. Not a single day passes without me thinking about you. But yes, some things have changed now. I have stopped looking around, hoping to see you someday. I have stopped crying while thinking about you. My heart has turned cold, but the problem is, it isn’t cold only for you.
You snatched that urge to live from me; you made me feel so tiny that it was hard to notice myself. I lost all the spark; I forgot how to crack jokes. I stopped talking non-stop. I am a completely different person now, but what do you care about?
I guess you are still the same. As unbothered by my feelings as you have always been. And here I am, still addressing my letters to you.
I just hope someday I will be myself again. I just wish that day you won’t get to see me.
Love,
Me.
