Do People Who End up Married Make Good Long-term Friends?
When Close Friendships Are Negatively Impacted by a Friend’s Partner or Family Life
INTRODUCTION
Do you have friends that you’ve known for a long time and that you trust enough to be comfortable confiding in or discussing any topic with? If you do, then I bet that your relationship with some of them has weakened as a result of their partner or family life.
But what do you do when that’s the case?
DEVELOPING A CLOSE FRIENDSHIP OVER TIME
When it comes to friendships, I believe that quality over quantity is always preferable. And that’s the difference between cultivating a few close friendships over long periods of time compared to opting for Facebook-style “virtual friends in bulk”.
Friends whose family members you’ve met and they’ve met yours. People that you’ve met face to face and spent hours interacting with and talking to countless times on a personal level that goes beyond the more superficial conversations you can have in a group.
You thought you’d have each other’s back forever. But then…
THE FIRST STORY: THE FRIEND WITH THE JEALOUS, INSECURE, OR IMMATURE PARTNER
Just last week I had an opportunity to meet with a close friend I hadn’t seen in over three years due to geographical distances. A friend that I would surely be spending time with almost every week if we lived in the same city. I was finally in town, so I gave my friend a call and we made plans to have dinner and catch up a few days later.
He’s had the same girlfriend for a few years now. And although they don’t have a family together, they do live together and even see each other at work. I’ve known him for a great many more years than they’ve known each other, though. In fact, he was one of the two friends that were with me the day we skydived and I barely made it out alive.
In any case, we made our plans and his girlfriend was aware of them, just as she was well aware of the significance of our long-term and close friendship. He arrived to pick me up a little later than planned, coming straight from home. We went to dinner and, after that, we drove around for a bit and found a spot to park the car somewhere and continue our discussion. The same thing we’d done more times than I can remember since our college days, pretty much.
At this point, we’d only been hanging out for a couple of hours, which is a short time for when we get together and really goes by fast. Suddenly, his phone rang. It was the GF. She tried to get him to come home earlier, eventually using the reason that her stomach was a little uncomfortable and she needed him to be there so that she could fall asleep, or something like that.
Now… most grown-ups I know who have an upset stomach would take a painkiller, maybe put some heat on it, and lay down. But my friend was forced to bring me back and go home to avoid an argument, despite the fact that there was literally nothing he could do about this trivial situation.
Because this happened during the workweek, and my friend does have a lot of hours to work, it was best to just let it go and make plans to hang out again later in the week. He asked for us to meet for dinner with his GF and child at the weekend. And so we did. And no sooner than his GF was done eating her food, she was already acting impatient and asking about going home. She even used the young child asking to leave earlier as an excuse to do so.
When I witness such behaviors, I am concerned for my friend’s well-being. There’s a good chance that we may end up discussing this privately and I know that he’ll listen. The same thing he would do for me if things were the other way around.
If you recognize your own partner’s behavior in the story above, I strongly suggest that you re-evaluate your choice of partner.
THE SECOND STORY: THE FRIEND WITH THE FAMILY LIFE
Some time ago I had a chance to meet up with another close friend whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. I’ve known him for as long as the first one, even a little longer. He has a very friendly and understanding wife, as well as a couple of children.
We made plans to go out for dinner and catch up during the workweek as well. We talked about his work, family life, some problems with the children, and so forth. I was showing a genuine interest as usual, and just waiting for my turn to naturally come up in the conversation.
Much to my surprise and dismay, however, the subject of what and how I had been doing never really came up, and this despite the fact that I live in a different country where I no doubt experience many more and different things than my friend who still lives in the same city as where we grew up. This felt like a real change from the norm for us, if not a turning point.
Where before we’d always traded information whenever we hung out, this time it was all about his family life and personal interests and I simply couldn’t share anything I was looking forward to sharing with him. There were some important child-related concerns brought up, and of course, it was understandable that he’d want to talk about them. But, after those, he went into some other things and never really got around to asking me anything substantial about my own life.
And this is the worst because you are with a close, long-term friend, and you want to “be there and show support” for that person, but it all felt really one-sided. The kind of situation that makes it hard to pick up the phone the next time…
If you recognize your own behavior toward a friend as a result of your family life in the story above, do that friendship a favor and take the time to inquire about your close friend’s life next time. Especially if you still value that friendship as highly as you had always shown in the past.
THE THIRD STORY: THE FRIEND WHO’S ALWAYS COME THROUGH NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES
This is another long-term and close friend that I made plans to meet with during the same trip home as in the previous story. He also has a steady relationship and children. The difference, in this case, is that we always make plans to meet at the weekend because he comes from a different city and must drive a couple of hours to come to spend time with me.
We had a meal together and spent some time shooting pool and talking afterward. He kept his schedule as open as possible so that we wouldn’t need to rush. The conversation flowed easily as it normally always did with him or my other close friends. We shared info on work, family, health, and everything in between. He wasn’t being rushed by his girlfriend, who was taking care of their child back home. Just no pressure like the good old times, every time.
When you’ve known someone for that long it should always be a given that you’ll ask about them and their family members (parents, siblings, children, etc) and vice-versa at one point or another. There are no gaps in conversation, nor are there a lack of subjects to talk about. From work to study to entertainment and travel experiences to struggles you each may have had, it’s all organic to the conversation and of genuine interest to both parties.
If you have a friend like this, model your behavior after him/her. Keep maintaining and strengthening that bond. Friendships like these don’t happen coincidentally in life. Both parties have to consistently show interest and work at them.
CONCLUSION
I don’t know if anything can truly be invaluable to us in life, but I would argue that close friendships that you have developed with people over a long period of time might just be it. You know things about each that even their partner or spouse may never know about, and you’ve built a real trust and bond that could never be recreated without having lived it with that person exactly as you did.
Maybe this is why some partners or spouses can’t seem to handle such meaningful friendships. They know that they will never be able to replicate those feelings and memories with you. But the thing is... they shouldn’t try to. A love story is not the same as a close friendship story. And close friendships don’t develop by chance. They require constant work from both parties.
I wish everyone the good fortune of developing long-term, close friendships and also finding the right partner or spouse to go along with them.
All the best,
Pascal
PS: Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments and you can also read more about me here.
