Feel Loved and Belonging
Find connection, worthiness, and goodness in yourself
Do you feel like you don’t fit in or don’t belong? This was my theme all through school and work. A big part of me wanted to feel loved and worthy instead of an outsider (so I thought).
It’s easy for me to over-analyze and feel hurt from taking things too personally, and I pushed many people as a way to protect myself from those feelings. Feelings like fear of rejection, shame, and disapproval were pretty regular and made me feel disconnected and alone.
I think a lot of this stemmed from my childhood with an angry parent, and I fell into the people-pleasing paradigm, which is not productive for growth. It took me a lot of time to realize that I wasn’t happy with myself, and I was trying to be somebody for someone else… not cool.
I learned from this lesson that I had to go inwards to find connection and belonging first! I couldn’t form deep relationships simply because I didn’t know who I was. The bad habit I gained from this was trying to fit in and be like other people because I didn’t think I was good enough.
The first step I had to take was to admit that I was acting phony to try and be normal. Instead of winging it and letting my uncalculated spontaneous personality arise like a surprising whirlwind of experience and emotion.
The second step I had to take was to confirm (repeatedly) that I was worth it! I am worth the time, effort, and discomfort to enjoy myself more and more. Also, with this point, I enjoy who I am and enjoy the road of progress to who I want to be.
Since it was so easy for me to slip into trying to be like others, making them laugh, and fitting in, I would lose my sense of self. On the other end of the spectrum, I would not trust anybody out of fear of getting rejected, abandoned, or hurt feelings. Bouncing back and forth is enough to make anyone feel alienated and alone.
If you can’t trust yourself, it will be harder to trust others. When I felt I wasn’t lovable or worthy, I couldn’t fathom another person would find me so. It took a long time to feel any kind of love when I hugged myself or looked into the mirror.
The constant struggle of self-acceptance falls away when you stop comparing yourself. There is only one you, which is a perfect representation, right here and right now.
So, this brings up the question, “how am I making myself feel neglected, unworthy, alienated?”
It may not be obvious, so I recommend writing or recording yourself. But ask penetrating questions like this when you feel disconnected.
Another beneficial tip I have discovered is doing this in a dark room alone. It helps me to jump-start the whole inquiry process. It also removes distractions, which is incredibly beneficial.
Ideally, the goal of this little pow-wow sesh is to befriend yourself and become your best buddy: your very best closest personal friend, parent, mentor, guide, and teammate. You build respect, understanding, and observation skills.
Let’s say you do this yet still feel alone. You grow trust in yourself that you have your back but still self-sabotage yourself in the face of adversity or other people. With these new observation skills and watching yourself self-destruct or go into a negative thinking cycle, all you can do is watch from a compassionate place. Don’t judge yourself or condemn yourself. Just notice the why and where it’s happening.
This observation is critical because it can illustrate your patterns.
Try to keep track of the ideas that lead to feeling out of place, not good enough, or undeserving. Tracing your reflections is a powerful tool because you can look at them from a distance, separate from yourself.
Once you have been practicing disidentifying and accepting these traits, your social life will boom. Mainly because you respect yourself so much that other people’s thoughts have no bearing on you. It also opens the door for you to understand people better because you have done the work to understand yourself better.
The more people we can be authentic around, the higher quality of our life. It enables us to accept ourselves and others just how we are all meant to be.
Keep getting up, my friend,
Tyler D.
