How Do You Say You’re Angry?
Understanding the different ways we communicate anger changed my relationship
“Damn it to hell!”
I heard those four little words, muttered in the dark. They were followed by the hiss of a cigarette lighter, and the clattering of a phone tossed onto the nightstand.
From my vantage point on the couch, where I sat sipping coffee, I immediately knew two things:
- My husband was awake.
- He wasn’t happy about it.
In fact, he was pretty pissed. I recognized it. I heard it in every move he was making.
He’s loud when he’s angry. Not vocally, but with his actions. He slams things around and shuts cabinet doors with a bang.
He causes a ruckus. It’s extremely loud and completely obvious when he’s upset.
Hearing all the noise he was making just trying to wake up, I thought several things at once.
I know what kind of morning this could be.
I’m sure as hell not talking to him yet.
Just drink your coffee. It’ll pass in a little while.
I know my husband well. I speak his language. It’s taken the better part of a decade, but I’ve learned to interpret his non-verbal clues.
So, I continued drinking my delicious black gold and kept my mouth shut. He continued making a mess of the morning.
I was grateful, in the moment, for the noise my husband made. It was the sign I needed to know how to respond to the anger he was feeling.
As I sat, drinking coffee and trying not to talk, I wondered if other people are able to read the signs of anger in their partners so easily.
We talk a lot about love languages, but is anyone asking the other question?
What language do we speak to communicate our anger?
I get angry at times, we all do. It’s natural. How do you say it, though? What method of communication do we use to tell our partners we’re mad?
I would love to be a perfectly mature, responsible adult that looks mine right in the face and says, “I’m so angry with you right now.”
Sadly, I have yet to perfect my Zen-level communication style. That level of self-awareness eludes me when I’m mad.
When I’m truly angry, I’m a passive-aggressive monster. I often say things I don’t mean in order to get a reaction.
My level of sarcasm rises with my temper, and I can string together a line of cuss words that would make a sailor blush.
I’m a slow burn. It takes time for me to reach the boiling point.
My husband has figured out, after many frustrating and senseless arguments, that turning up the heat on my anger doesn’t help matters.
Now he gives me time to simmer down before talking to me. He gives me the time I need to cool off before I boil over.
My anger is quieter than my husband’s, but he’s learned to listen for the signs in the way I speak. He’s able to diffuse situations by walking away and waiting for me to calm down.
My lovely hubby, on the other hand, spontaneously combusts. He’s fine one minute, and up in flames the next.
It took years for me to understand that. I used to freak out when he got loud. I hated it.
The sounds of his mood sent me into a tailspin. The slamming doors and sheer volume of his anger were enough to make me react.
I would start pushing for answers. I asked over and over again, “What’s wrong with you?”
The harder I pushed, the angrier he became.
I didn’t get it. He wasn’t speaking a language I understood.
We express our anger in very different ways and we paid the price in heated arguments the first few years we were together.
I’ve finally learned to translate all that noise.
When he slams doors and kicks trash cans around, he’s sending a message. If I listen to the language of his anger, I can hear what he’s saying with all the banging and clanging.
I don’t want to talk right now.
Give me some room to feel how I feel.
Don’t get too close. I’m not in the right state of mind to figure this out yet.
What I viewed as a childish tantrum was just his emotions looking for a way out. It wasn’t directed towards me at all. Understanding this, I learned how to give him what he’s asking for when his temper flares.
We sorted all this out the hard way, over time. My husband and I had to learn to hear each other and understand the deeper message.
Figuring out all the different ways we, as flawed human individuals, communicate our emotions is damn hard.
Love languages are so much easier. It’s fun deciding if we prefer gifts or affirmations of love. Maybe quality time is what does it for you. For others, it could be acts of service. They’re all wonderful ways of understanding the people we love.
For me, understanding the language we speak when we’re angry is every bit as valuable. Knowing how to read the signs of anger in my partner has been crucial to success in our relationship.
This morning could easily have been a disaster, but hearing my husband’s anger, loud and clear, showed me the best way to deal with the situation.
I didn’t push. I didn’t poke and prod him about what was wrong.
I listened to what he was saying without any words and gave him the space he needed.
It wasn’t long before he began to come around.
After some coffee and quiet time, he started talking. Turns out, he didn’t sleep well. He was up most of the night. It’s freezing outside, which he despises to his very soul.
My poor, angry hubby was cold, tired, and cranky.
Having a little room to process that allowed him to recognize his feelings for what they were and start turning his mood around.
Speaking his angry language allowed me to do that for him. We were able to move on and have a great day together.
Hell, he even took me to Hobby Lobby and bought me a new llama for my collection.
Not too shabby for someone who woke up pissed at the world.
So, think about it for a minute. Do you know when your partner is angry? Do they know how to tell when you are? What are some of the ways you say you’re pissed?
What are the different dialects in the language of anger?
Is it in the set of the jaw, the look in our eyes? Is it the slamming of doors, or stomping of feet? Do you play loud, rage-filled music? Are you a yeller? Do you simply walk away?
Maybe, unlike me, you truly are a Zen master who calmly deals with heated emotions.
I would love to know how other couples communicate. Has it changed things in your relationship? I want to hear some answers.
Tell me, how do you say you’re angry?
