If You Have To Change Them, They Are Not For You

Do not enter into a relationship thinking you will change them with your love and attention. Nope, not gonna happen.

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

“Love can transform a person from head to toe” is nothing but another myth that has been instilled in our minds through fairytales like “Beauty and the Beast”. However, no such thing exists in real life.

The biggest mistake you make while entering a relationship is seeing the red flags, witnessing and experiencing things that are making you uncomfortable, and still pursuing the relationship, thinking they will change in your company.

There is no harm in falling in love. No one is perfect. We all have flaws, and everyone expects that one day someone will fall in love with us the way we are. Some day someone will love us despite all our shortcomings. Yes, it happens. However, there is a massive difference between flaws and narcissistic traits. The sooner you identify these, the better.

Someone I know showed interest and claimed his love for me for more than five years. However, I was never willing to initiate the relationship because of the narcissistic traits he has. He is arrogant, self-obsessed, disrespects others, makes fun of people, and loses his temper on the smallest things. I had known this for years and witnessed so many episodes alone. For these reasons, I never considered him as a prospective partner.

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However, after the lapse of five years or more, I finally gave in. There were a lot of other reasons for considering him for a relationship, including being consistent for such a long time, being a responsible guy, professionally stable, confident, and last but not least, societal pressure that had started affecting the ‘single’ me. So I gave him a chance, thinking I could change his bad habits with time. He proved me wrong.

I gave this relationship a chance for two years. These two years, what I have endured is unexplainable. He was never emotionally available; he never had time to talk to me, we could never sort things out with discussion, and he lost his temper several times on the same petty issues and caused public embarrassment. He would lose his temper, insult me, and then apologize privately. I tried to make him apologize in public, but NO. That’s not possible because his ego matters……..

After two years of exhausting journey with the same kind of fights, I finally gave up. I realized that he would never change, not even an inch. So the only options I have are to leave or accept him the way he is and be ready to deal with the same behavior my whole life. To be honest, I thought a lot about the second option because of societal pressure. However, I could not bring myself to opt for this and chose the first one i.e., to leave.

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During this journey, I realized that my self-respect and peace are way more important than what society thinks of me or says about me. To hell with their opinions. This is my life, and I cannot make decisions based on people’s views. So I left, and I have never felt better in a long time.

Here are my two cents on the relationship advice:-

1. If a prospective partner seems to have narcissistic traits, do not fall for their words because they will not change.
2. Don’t feel obliged to accept someone’s love for you despite how hard they try to convince you. If they love you, they have to deal with it, and it’s not on you.
3. If they cannot admit their mistake, they will definitely not correct it.
4. If you can’t see the future with a person’s current nature, DO NOT initiate the relationship thinking you can change them.
5. You only have one choice if you can’t leave them out of love or any other reason. Accept them the way they are. Stop thinking about taming them. Because this hope is only going to cost you your mental peace, nothing else. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Deal with it..
6. It is unfair for the other person if your love for them is subject to them changing their-selves for you. There might be someone who can love them the way they are. Think about it this way as well.

Relationships are partnerships, where both partners learn many things from each other. However, do not think of relationships as rehabilitation centers or institutions where one person acts as a teacher or counselor while another acts like a student or patient. If both partners are not compatible in ethics and behaviors, there is no hope for the relationship.

You cannot build any relationship on vague foundations. Ever accepted a job offer where your salary is too low compared to what you deserve, thinking it will get better with time? Did it work for you? In most cases, you don’t get drastic increments or promotions in such jobs. Then how can you expect this in lifelong relationships?

As conclusive remarks, I recommend having the highest expectations regarding behavior from your partner and never compromising on those expectations. Everything else can change with time. A person may earn less now but may have a bright future. However, if an adult does not know how to treat others, there is less than .00000000001% that they are ever going to learn this.