Looking for Good Ole Love
Seek and thou shalt find it
Love is not a static concept that one can define. Don’t bother looking for it in the dictionary. To truly understand what it means to us, we must look inside and around ourselves.
The more I think about what it has meant for me over the years, these words pop in my head: love is an ever-evolving, messy, confounding kaleidoscope of experiences and I suspect it will keep evolving and surprising us as we go through the different phases of our lives.
Soon after we are born, I imagine it is our mother’s smell and touch that fill us with a sense of belonging and the distress of being away from her embrace is probably how we come to associate love with the longing to be close to the ones we love. As we understand the world around us and confront its dangers and our smallness, love is that cozy, protected feeling we have around our dads. That sense of safety we feel at home surrounded by our family.
It is when you meet your first best friend, possibly in school, that you discover that love exists outside the realm of family. You learn that love is that giddy feeling you have in your stomach when you are getting ready for school because today you and your BFF will play tag in recess. Many a friendship bands and odd rituals are exchanged to swear eternal love to each other. This is love tinted with friendship — a realization that will enrich the rest of our lives.
When you are a gawky teenager and there is much angst inside of you, love is more than just a hormonal infatuation. It’s our first taste of love borne out of desire mixed in with a whole lot of awkwardness and self-doubt. Whether it is a crush on a classmate or a favorite celebrity (mine was Keanu Reeves), it is probably the first time we realize love is also romance.
When someone dear to you dies, possibly a grandparent, you discover love can be searing pain, utter grief and leaves with a huge sense of loss. You realize that just like love can bring you unbridled joy it can also plunge you into the depths of despair. Jane Eyre and Oliver Twist finally make sense.
As I look back at my life and think about these various forms of humanly love, I realize that, ultimately, love has to be sought. It is hidden in our everyday lives in unexpected places; in grand and small gestures. It is veiled behind kindness and anger. Love can be pompous like a diamond ring and humble as the most beautiful wildflower. Love takes patience and commitment when you are a caregiver. It takes perseverance and sacrifice when you are a breadwinner.
I looked for love in my mundane life and this is what I found: Fetching my spectacles from upstairs when I am too tired to move is love. Making breakfast on a Saturday morning so I can sleep in, is love. Calling to check on me when I am not feeling well, is love. Sharing the last piece of candy is love. Pausing our favorite show because you dozed off is love. Rooting for each other when we are starting something new and hard is love. Remembering how my friend likes her coffee is love. My father spending the afternoon peeling pomegranates for us is love. An unexpected embrace is love. Your kids running to hug you, just because, is pure love. Love is when my three year old niece, unprovoked, declares “I love you”. Love is the joy of being heard and understood.
If you look and listen hard enough, you are bound to find love.
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Thanks to Robert Ralph for asking this all-important question and letting me pour out my heart in this space.
You can find other essays I have written about self-reflection, stillness, love/food and animals. Follow me if you are interested for more. Thanks for reading.
