Loving Ourselves After Narcissistic Abuse
Shedding distortions of ourselves and learning boundaries is key.
When I was learning about narcissists but still hesitant about attaching the label to people I knew, I sometimes revealed to new acquaintances that I was just “coming out of a distorted self-image”. It was accurate.
Growing up with narcissists, you can be hypercompetent and articulate but still suffer from severe imposter syndrome and self-doubt.
“Narcissistic” may have become a buzzword in the last several years (right before Trump took office) but its widespread use belies how needed this word was to explain the experiences of narcissistic abuse survivors.
I’ve not yet worked with anyone suffering from a distorted self-image or low self-worth who didn’t have a long-term relationship with a narcissist or two (or more). These are usually children, siblings, or spouses of narcissists, under severe psychological distress from dealing with individuals they’ve struggled to please.
Assurances like “you’re not crazy” usually bring relief to survivors when I believe their stories. Because narcissists behave in rather common patterns, I can even predict the survivor’s stories and all the denial, moral attacks, and gaslighting they’ve faced.
The victims of narcissistic abuse are always made to feel like they’re the ones who did wrong. They may have had, at one point, their own perspective and hold on reality, but eventually, the narcissist wears them down with constant fault-finding and criticism.
If a family or culture does not acknowledge or understand the toxic behavior of narcissists — or worse, they normalize toxic and narcissistic behavior — then the scapegoat or target of the narcissist’s abuse feels even more isolated, “wrong”, and ashamed.
Like Narcissus of Greek mythology, narcissists are the center of their own universe. They have no ability to see or truly empathize with other people around them. People are not “allowed” choices that disagree with what the narcissist decides for them.
In a narcissist’s orbit, you’re not allowed to be yourself.
You’re only allowed to reflect the grandiose hero/victim character that narcissists play in their fantasies.
In many dysfunctional families, every member inadvertently falls into appeasing or caretaking the most dysfunctional member. In a narcissistic family, that’s usually the biggest narcissist. (Yep. I’ve seen families with more than one.)
Much energy and attention get sucked into the inevitable drama that narcissists inevitably create, which is at odds with how they believe themselves the epitome of reason and kindness.
That’s just part of the script they’ve handed you, and you have to play along.
Or else.
The Distorted Mirror
It literally took me decades to see myself with any compassion because I had grown up with narcissists.
To develop as healthy human beings, we not only need to meet our physiological needs, but we also needed safe emotional connections and reliable mirroring of our experiences when growing up.
Mirroring is “you seem upset” instead of “you’re oversensitive”. Mirroring is “hey, I noticed you struggling to make friends with Sarah” instead of “you’re such a loser, no wonder Sarah doesn’t want to hang out with you”. Mirroring comes without moral judgments or blame.
It provides an external perspective that remains open instead of judgmental. It is necessary for emotional maturity and for forming healthy, trustworthy relationships.
Narcissists cannot do this.
For me, my parents painted the world as black so that I would only trust them — my “saviors” — and would become a victim of anyone else. Everyone (outside the narcissist) was bad, questionable, or a fool. Narcissists are rather dependable in this: They will smile and compliment other people but then rip them apart as soon as they are out of earshot.
I stopped defending my friends or nice people with narcissists because it would turn into a conversation about my naiveté and the awfulness of the world.
And so it is with most interactions with narcissists. Someone has to be broken, blamed, or painted with broad (black) strokes. Because this facilitates, again, the narcissist’s hero and victim story.
If they’re playing savior at the moment, everyone is cast as desperate, defective, or degenerate. If they’re playing victim, their nemesis is desperate, the devil, and degenerate.
Relying on a narcissist as a mirror, you lose yourself. Children of narcissists, even into their adulthood, struggle to see themselves with compassion and objectivity. Instead, they may deal with superlatives as their narcissist did: They are the worst daughter, son, or human being on the planet; at best an incompetent, ugly, unqualified, and undeserving cretin.
Or, some children of narcissists may learn to become narcissistic themselves and play both the hero and the victim of the entire world.
Learning We’re “Unlovable”
Inevitably, with narcissists, we come to believe their view of the world and ourselves. Narcissists do not allow intellectual or emotional boundaries. This means that if you’re in a narcissist’s inner circle, you’re not allowed to have different opinions, ideas, or emotions.
People wise to narcissistic behavior come to accept that you can rarely convince a narcissist out of their own opinion. Doing so can make the narcissist accuse you of being “controlling” or “disrespectful”.
Children and spouses of narcissists often fall into a learned helplessness around narcissists. Because this is how they learned to survive.
Children of narcissists suffer self-distortion worst because there is no “before” in their lives before the narcissists. The “love” they experienced from their narcissistic parents was conditional, calculated, unsafe, and unreliable. And then they struggle with self-love, because if their parents found it so hard to love them, then who can?
The low self-worth and self-doubt are felt deep in the bones of children of narcissists because unconditional love was missing at a foundational part of their development.
Relying on their caregivers to survive the world, children of narcissists see themselves only in the funhouse mirrors their parents held up.
The Toll of Narcissistic Abuse
If we were denied personhood to the extent that we were not allowed to have emotions and opinions different from the narcissists, we will find conflict and self-advocacy stressful and challenging. Particularly if we get accused of malice or selfishness for daring to differentiate ourselves.
Our empathy and kindness easily get weaponized by the narcissist and we are forced to forgive or rationalize their actions when they ignore or undermine our choices. It’s back to the hero/victim fantasy they live in— they’re just the hero, trying to save us; when we refuse, they’re the victim. It’s crazy-making funhouse mirrors again.
Narcissistic abuse victims can tear their hair out trying to make it make sense. “Well, which is it? What do they want?”
Narcissists want you to follow their script. You’re just a puppet. You’re not supposed to want different.
And so we feel guilty and selfish when thinking about our own needs and wants. Children and spouses of narcissists find themselves tangled in an impossible morass of “should”, “musts” and “have to”. Anxiety and trauma from narcissistic abuse are real. Our brains and nervous systems are wired for survival; complex trauma gets us wrapped up in trying to appease, survive, escape, and “be grateful for” our narcissistic relationships. Brain fog, freeze state, and feelings of shame and helplessness are our bodies telling us this is an impossible ask.
More doable is to ask a survivor of narcissistic parenting what hidden chronic illnesses they have.
Chances are, they have a few. And they might have even been shamed for it by their narcissist abusers holding it as proof that they are weak, defective, and in need of the narcissist’s rescue. And they’ve likely heard that only the narcissist can save or “love” them.
Setting All the Boundaries
Setting boundaries around a narcissist is going to be seen by them as an attack, punishment, or act of manipulation. They will even say so. They will launch every possible missile of criticism, raging, and guilting from their arsenal.
If you’re not even allowed to have different opinions from them, they definitely don’t want you deciding that they should get less of your attention and energy. There’s not going to be a way to do this that makes them happy, so, get used to this first.
Decide how much contact they are allowed with you, now that you recognize the high price you pay with your mental clarity and peace to keep them happy. You can look up all the ways to say “no” to them, but do not try to think of a way to convey this that will please them. Nothing will.
You are also allowed to make mistakes with boundary-setting (shocking, I know) because you’re likely lacking practice. It doesn’t make it easier that narcissists have boundary blindness because they’re so entitled.
Once you spend less time around them, you’ll also spend less energy trying to counter their tiresome and judgmental (let’s face it) monologues. Grey Rock Method (ie. being as boring as possible) works to minimize the likelihood of them directing their rage at you when they get a narcissistic injury (ie. someone deviating from their script).
With less narcissistic drama and criticism sucking away your life, allow yourself to see life through the eyes of healthier people who accept and support the authentic you. It’s hard to heal any emotional wounds in isolation, particularly after coming away from narcissists who would have done their best to keep you away from healthy relationships.
Depending on how long you have lived with narcissistic abuse, healing usually takes years and trauma-informed mental health support. It’s common for survivors to feel ashamed or angry with themselves and the process, even re-submitting to abuse occasionally. But the more safe and healthy relationships you can find, the easier you can counter the negative self-talk learned from narcissistic relationships.
By doing so, you can start accepting and loving yourself the way you always deserved.
