Melatonin Gummies
Keep dreaming — only til tomorrow morning
I downloaded dating apps recently. Just three months ago, I swore to my friends I wouldn’t use dating apps for life. Oh well.
I don’t really enjoy them. I don’t get an adrenaline rush when I match with someone. I don’t get goosebumps from seeing a super like. I don’t like swiping. I guess I just felt like I would be missing out on the trend if I didn’t try dating apps at least once.
I did meet someone on them. We are just no longer in touch. Contact has been deleted, text history has been erased, and the app has been uninstalled. But, once again, the short-lived midsummer night’s dream turned into a productive therapy session. Out of the one person I’ve dated and the hundreds of hallway crushes I’ve had in the last twenty years, I labeled him “bittersweet lesson #101.”
But honestly, I’m exhausted; From trying to see a lesson in everything, From convincing myself that every failed crush is another step closer to saying goodbye to my abandonment wounds and anxious attachment style, from always reminding myself to detach from the fantasized version of someone who does not wish to be with me. I have a love/hate relationship with always being conscious and alert.
What happens if I don’t try to move on? What happens if I keep replaying our last conversation and fantasizing about what could have happened? What happens if I sit at the same spot we visited together, thinking about how for the first time in, I don’t even know how long, my instinct was to hold my hand out when he put his on mine.
My rollerball perfume, the store I took him to, soccer ball, sofa pods, Newbury Street… Piecing all these puzzles together, you get a fantasized version of someone I no longer see. Ironic how four months ago, I was reminiscing over my winter night’s dream — we met in the winter, so I told myself even the wind was whispering his name.
I’d take it. I’d take not moving on from a fantasy. Let me break my own heart, all right. Replace those hard pills with melatonin gummies — only so can I keep dreaming in my sleep. Til tomorrow morning.
