Moments of Self-Doubt
Being Able to Grow and Adapt in a Supportive, Loving Relationship
Low Self-Confidence
I have times when my self-confidence and self-esteem get very low. I start to doubt myself. I doubt my abilities. I doubt my worthiness. Yes, there are times I have thoughts about whether my partner would be better off without me. Not in an attention-seeking way, but in an actual, valid statement of self-doubt in what I provide to the relationship.
Highly Capable if Not for Our Health
Sure, we’re both highly intelligent, and if we were able to work, money wouldn’t be an issue right now. He’s highly skilled at electrician’s work, IT, and network development. I have an aptitude for math, music, customer service, and various hobbies that I have picked up over the years. I know that there’s something that I could be doing still if I weren’t in so much pain all the time and dealing with a variety of mental issues.
Dealing with Aggressive Emotions and My Health
This has actually amplified my concerns lately. Why aren’t I healthy? I know I got into a relationship with my partner nearly 8 years ago, and he told me upfront that he has multiple sclerosis. I was healthy at the time—a little overweight, but generally very healthy. I’ve processed what this means for our future in my own way. He tells me that MS patients have shorter lives on average because of what it does to the nervous system, the brain, and the body in general. I try not to think about a finality. I’ve never been good with finality and coping with loss.
I Need to Be Stronger
I’ve tried to be there for him in many ways. Sometimes, I think I’m not physically strong enough to help him when his illness gets worse or when he has an episode. I want to be able to lift him over my head, and anywhere he wants to go without worrying about how I’m going to recover from this activity. He’s still the physically strong one, not me.
“Do I Need to Be More?” and Improving Our Quality of Life
What do I really add to this other than being the person he loves and vice versa? I can’t imagine living my life without him, but those moments of self-doubt and fear make it to where I go to some very dark places. Then there are those moments when he tells me that he feels like our love keeps him alive longer and improves his quality of life despite all of the things physically wrong with him.
Being a Better Person Despite My Doubts
I feel the same way. I definitely wouldn’t have learned the things I know now and overcome the adversity I have without my partner there to support me every step of the way. I feel like I do that for him too, but as I said again, self-doubt creeps in more than I think it should these days. I know he wouldn’t leave me. I wouldn’t leave him despite the number of times I scream that in rage at him in the heat of the moment.
Love Is Strong Through The Pain
There’s obviously love and commitment that’s strong enough to keep this relationship going forward despite the bumps in the road. We love each other. I’m learning things as I grow and move forward. We’ve been through a lot together. I just can’t imagine living without him. We’re both nowhere close to 100% healthy, struggling daily with chronic pain.
Just Being There For Each Other
He massages me. I massage him. We try to show each other every day that we are in this commitment for the long haul. As we’ve grown in this relationship, the self-doubt has become less frequent, but it can sometimes be just as intense as the last time. I have had to learn how to handle these emotions and feelings in healthy ways so that I can be a more supportive, loving partner as consistently as my partner has been to me. I think if I can just get to his level instead of trying to be perfect, then I wouldn’t feel so inadequate at times.
