The Blindsided Breakup: Relationship Through My Eyes Before The Breakup (ch. 2)
Reality or Illusion?
I saw him standing on the other side of the bar. (Yes, we met at a bar, old school I know!! which, now looking back, is probably one of the many reasons it felt more special than it is… but come on!! We met at A BAR!! Just by smiling at each other and ending up next to each other… of course, it felt special!)
He had the most charming smile. (That word ‘charming’… now that word is like one of those surprise gifts that used to come out of cereals, it might be the best, but it might also be the worst… and you never know which you’ll get.)
Later that night we ended up next to each other, and within seconds we started talking. It was an immediate attraction and pull towards each other. I was there with friends who were also next to me yet when he and I started talking it was like the world stopped, the music stopped, people around us disappeared and it was just us and the bar. We didn’t move away from each other for the rest of the night. He placed his arms around me and kept it there.
My best friend (visiting at the time and staying at mine) and I wanted to have another drink on my balcony afterward. It was a beautiful summer night in London. I was living about a ten-minute walking distance to the bar we were at, and so was he. I asked him if he wanted to join me for a drink. He said yes.
We had a nice few hours at mine, when my friend went to sleep, he kissed me. We kissed for a while. It felt like magic, like I forgot the outside world again. Afterwards, he left, but of course, got my number first by giving me his contact page to fill in at 5 am with a bright screen shining straight into my eyes. I filled out all of it.
Funny thing about all this is that, earlier that day I had friends over and I remember saying to one of them, ‘I am having a summer of doing things and being there for the people I love, but I really want someone to be there for me, like someone that looks out for me, I really want to meet someone and be excited to come home to someone, love someone, I just don’t know how this will happen, but I really want to meet that person…’ And just like that He happened…
It was like I wished for him, though I had all my shields up, having gone through a very abusive relationship with a narcissist six years ago I had to be. It was too soon to tell, and I am not one of those people who think they met the nicest man from one night/one date. Everyone can fake it for one night or in my case for six months even… (we’ll get to that later.)
He texted me the next evening and we set a dinner date. We went to a place he and I both regularly apparently go to (yet we never met there). He knew everyone there, again charming.
He kissed my hand in the middle of dinner, moved to sit next to me in the middle of dinner… He had all the ’tricks’, of course, those moments didn’t seem like tricks they were just making me fall for him… Said the right things, did the right things.
Background information, successful job, divorced (bad divorce as this is important), a kid (old enough), he ‘told’ me he is 48 (he was actually 49 and turned 50 when with me but we’ll get back to this later). I was (am) 35. But the age difference didn’t bother me, as we met in person at a bar, established a connection without knowing each other’s age or details and I wasn’t going to let age be a make/break factor. I was never one of those people anyway, caught up in numbers, age, height, weight, etc. Who cares, I just cared/care about the person in front of me, if there is a connection the rest is nothing.
We slept together that night. Then we both had travels after we returned, we had our second, technically third, date. On that date, he got up in the middle of dinner just to kiss me as our food came, and from that day on, he kissed me spontaneously during each meal we had, even on a hangover lazy Sunday eating ramen, he got up and kissed me… Every single meal till the end.
Basically from that second/third date on it was ‘smooth sailing’. People that seem to have the ‘real deal’ always used to say to me ‘When it happens, when you find it, it will be so easy, it will just click, it will just work’. That is exactly what happened it was the smoothest start to any relationship I ever had in my life. No confusion no games. We started seeing each other almost once every other day, sometimes he’d just call me to come over after he was out somewhere just to ‘tuck me in’, ‘kiss me good night’, ‘wake up with me’, ‘to see me’…
Semi issues, flags, situations that were always justified by, well he is ’48’, he is ‘divorced’, he had a ‘bad divorce’, ‘been single for ‘two’ years’, he is ‘busy with his very important job’, ‘he is older’, ‘he doesn’t text’, ‘he doesn’t like phone calls because he is busy with work calls’… They were (seemed) little things at the time and in the grand scheme of the connection we had they were nothing. Every relationship comes with things we need to get used to and compromise on.
Was it moving fast? Maybe yes, I was letting him run the pace, and I was matching it while still armouring myself. Whenever I had a major doubt about an action, he always knew how to say the right things… And they were blinding…
‘I never connected with anyone this quickly, this way before…’, ‘I never texted anyone even this much before…’, ‘I’ve never felt happier…’, ‘No one has ever treated me this good before…’, ‘I haven’t felt this way in ages…, ‘I’ve never done this with anyone before…’…. And many more…
I mean in the first stages of a relationship these are beautiful statements and ones that dissolve all armours. They stick right into the heart and capture you.
I felt like I knew him my entire life in a way, felt like destiny. We were from the same country, same values, similar backgrounds, lived in same cities, moved to London same time, living five minutes from each other… We liked the same music, same movies, same food (mostly), same wine, same places… And not just in London, in the places we travelled to as well. It almost felt like it was too good to be true. And now #1 thing I learned is: If something feels like it’s TOO good to be true MOST of the time it IS too good to be true… (hard lesson)
But during the entire time we had together regardless of any flags or doubts he was the furthest person to ever make me think, ‘one day he will break your heart in a way you’ve never known, unexpectedly, and he’ll leave you in the type of pain you’ve never ever felt before completely alone’ with no consideration, lacking all human decency’. If anything, his words were matching his actions and his actions were matching his words (for the most part), and when it didn’t there was always a ‘valid’ reason. No relationship is perfect anyway, so it didn’t seem abnormal to me the issues we had at the time.
That summer he came to a wedding with me and my family back home, met my family, met all my friends, and basically was integrated into my whole world, life, and heart. And again, maybe you’ll say wow that is fast, maybe it was but I’ve always been a loyal, old soul who leads with love and believes in committing to something fully with her whole heart and mind, seeing only the good in people and things. I wanted to give it the chance it deserves and let it flow as it was.
Plus, I’ve always known what I wanted so when they say: ‘when you know, you know’, well I knew (or I thought I did) … He told me he loved me; I told him I loved him though I knew it for a while. I didn’t just love him, I was in love with him, with us, everything I felt when we were together, I cherished. It felt so right, it also felt so rare. Finding someone where you just click and have so much fun together… (fun is a tricky word and again can blind you from other essential things (apparently)…
He was so charming, so attentive, a gentleman, caring, playful, fun, funny, respectful, it was when we weren’t together that didn’t make sense (again more on this later). But when we were together it felt easy.
I tend to give a lot to the people I love, especially if it’s something they don’t have, never felt, never lived I have no limits, I do anything in my power. For example, when he told me he has never really had a birthday, or like since he is 6, I took it straight to heart, and for his 50th (yes he did later confess he was actually 49 when we met as his birthday was approaching) I gave him decade gifts. A few meaningful gifts that apply to each decade, his life with a matching birthday card to, in a way, celebrate all the birthdays he never got to.
For example, 0–10 I got him a toy version of his favourite car, 10–20 one of his gifts was that I take him bowling, 20–30 he had just moved to New York so it was a NY cap, 30–40 when he first became president in the company he worked in so a tie, 40–50 a special red wine bottle, and a lot more for each plus his main 50th gift which was major and I won’t reveal here.
That night he told me this was ‘too much’, that I care and love ‘too much’ and that it made him feel bad.
I told him to first please never call me too much of something, especially when it comes to good things as it was a major trigger from my past (my ex had used the words that I am too good, too caring as an excuse as to why he cheated on me multiple times), I was honest with him and told him this (this is important and we will get to this on the next article).
He promised to never call me too much of something.
Secondly, I told him that it wasn’t too much and he deserved it, and I wanted to make him happy, the way he made me happy, plus making him happy made me even happier.
I mention this because I really cared about him, I cared about giving him the things he was missing in his life, not materialistic things, but the feeling of being appreciated, the feeling of being deeply loved, feeling of someone looking out for him as well the way he looked out for others. I saw he was lacking these and I appreciated him so much that for me all this came naturally.
On his birthday I said: ‘Thank you for existing.’ He said: ‘No one had ever thanked him for existing before…’ I just said: ‘Well I just did because I really am so thankful you exist.’ And I meant it… I was so happy he existed, that he came into my life.
I was raised with the values of kindness and respect. Saying thank you, please, appreciation, value came naturally. I am day to day a person who lives in gratitude and appreciation for everything I have and around me. I understood from the beginning being appreciated didn’t feel natural to him, it was a major thing missing, he would be surprised when I thanked him multiple times for meals, or things he did, like calling me even though he hates calls. Maybe I overvalued the bare minimum I should have been getting without needing to thank someone but again more on this later. At the time I was just being me, and I didn’t understand how things were playing out.
Basically, he came and changed my life like night and day. In the end, he got me to trust him with my whole heart… He got me to love him beyond my whole heart. He succeeded. I opened myself up to giving him everything he needed with my love, my life, my heart… I saw myself doing this happily for the rest of my life.
Maybe I sound stupid, but I thought I was with my forever person. The least I thought it would take a lot to knock us down, and while I wasn’t blind to the extent that I didn’t see some of the difficulties that we would eventually need to overcome or things we still needed to live, the things that were missing to get to forever, the least I thought choosing to end us would either be an ultra-hard decision or if it came to ending it we would (at LEAST try to) do it in the least hurtful way possible after everything we had shared up until that point.
The point of this article is it’s so easy to overlook reality when you are so caught up in the magic. Should that mean, we shouldn’t allow ourselves to give people a chance, or to love the way we are capable of? No. We should love the shit out of people. The world needs more people who love wholeheartedly. What I learned after everything is that it was Me that made this relationship what it was. This love that I miss is the love I was giving, it’s all in me. He took a lot, but he doesn’t get to take away the way I love and the way I am from me.
What is love? In a way, it is the ability to love again and again and again, despite the heartbreaks you’ve lived or that you might live…
Next article: The Breakup (ch. 3)
